What is it?

What are you focused on? What are you working towards? What is up ahead? What Mountain are you climbing? What is at the top? What will your reward be?

- A flower garden?

- A lover that really gets you?

- A pay increase?

- More play and less stress?

- A friend or lover?

- A trip to Spain?

- A little plot of land in the mountains?

- A steady income?

- A closet of clothes that feels like you?

What do you go to bed thinking about? What do you wake up thinking about?

For me, it's so complicated. Yet, so simple.

In a lot of ways, I have accomplished many of my dreams. I have a lover who honors and respects me. I have a beautiful son. And I have a cozy home in the mountains. But my soul longs for more. I dream of community and art that will start movements. I dream of spontaneous road trips. I dream of peace, beauty, ease, connection, power and sacredness.

I guess I dream of feeling good most of all. Feeling good and doing good. I'm still just a girl who carries around a heavy soul with a pocket full of dreams. And a head full of questions.

God, please send more dreamers my way. Send us an anchor so we don't drown in our sea of ideas.

I think there is something to these childhood desires . . .



I like to use childhood desires as a compass. Let's time travel! Let's go back to age . . eh, 8 - 10 year old you. You were probably in 4th, 5th or 6th grade. zooom zoom zoom zooom zoom zoom zoom zoom wish wish wish wish swish swish swish (these are the sounds I imagine I time machine would make. . I should know. . . I built one when I was 11 with my sister and neighbor friend) OK. Can you picture it? Can you see the younger version of you? Pay attention. This is important.



What the heck did you want to be?? You know the question. The one we were asked all the time. . . What do you want to be when you grow up? Which interestingly enough, turned into "what are you going to school for?" I'm finding out that the majority of the time these answers did not match up.



Growing up, I wanted to be an astronaut. I was memorized my the moon. I saw a movie called Space Camp when I was like 8 or 9 and afterwards I was convinced that some day I would be standing on the moon. I remember thinking that it was going to be hard work. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to like the simulator training. "I would probably get sick. But it was worth it. Only a couple people get to stand on the moon and I want to be one of them." I thought.



Something happened over the years. I became interested in boys and my own image. And I forgot about that astronaut dream. The love of the sky has never left me. I would still gaze up in child-like wonder every night. But when it was time to "pick a college", my own true hearts desires weren't even considered. It didn't matter anyway, that dream had been buried with false realities. I had been swept up in "cool kid" stuff which at the time was cheerleading and boys and being really, really skinny. Ya know, so I could model and really "be somebody."



Fast forward to present moment. Today, I am looking back and wondering.



I'm wondering so many things. I feel those childhood dreams resurfacing. That love of the moon and saturn and soaring above the earth, looking back at our planet from space. I am wondering what 8,9 and 10 year old Amber was thinking. . what did she have right? I am so unbelievably wrong right now. I need answers. Little Amber, give me ANSWERS! I am so unsatisfied with these things I have been chasing that I thought I "should have been chasing" like the ideal job, family, image and home.



ANYWAY, I'm really curious: If I were to ask you in elementary school: what do you want to be growing up? What would your answer be?



I'm curious. What did you study post high school? Did you follow that dream? What happened?

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