Just trying to do my part
Of using my creative gifts
To help give our world a vibrational lift.
in Awakening Archives
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Inner Alchemy, A poem
Trying to turn pain into art
But fears and distraction has kept me from taking action
Will I ever find my voice? Will I ever calm the noise?
I’m taking a break from social media to raise my self esteem
Always feeling blue after looking at the screen
Always feeling lonely after the self-sabotaging routine
I know I’m better than this
Why can’t I just quit the bullshit
A prisoner of my thoughts
Got my stomach in knots
I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired mom-
Wondering what in the world have I done wrong.
Where has my self esteem gone?
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I thought my days would be full of color and play.
I left the corporate world so I could do more of what I love-
Sacrificing the stability and pay
You know, so I could make art and do the things I’ve been dreaming of.
But I’m scared.
What will they think? What will they say?
If I declare something true. If I paint something new.
If I stand for something they stand against.
If I make an uncomfortable mess.
If I choose to confess.
Things need to be put to rest.
This will be the ultimate test.
Can I alchemize
The tears that I’ve cried?
Can I visualize
A new me, a new you-
And be brave enough to believe it may come true?
I want to be cool. I want to fit in.
I want to be seen for the real me.
I want to be accepted.
I’ve been rejected.
It hurts for a minute, but then I’m over it
And ready to get back in it.
But this time I have different intentions.
This time I’m aiming to be respected.
Respected for trying.
Respected for truth-telling, being scared and crying.
Respected for messing up
And having the faith to get back up.
To transform these deep emotions
Into stories of love, hope and devotion
Would be an act of spiritual alchemy
Then, maybe, I will finally feel free
Sunday, March 1, 2020
People Pleasing, Recovery & Why I'm here.
I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt.
Today, I woke up with a little more clarity than yesterday and I remembered something.
I don’t belong in a box.
Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I said that I was going to post some delicious smoothie recipes and that every Thursday I would post five of my favorite things. Although, the truth is – I don’t want to do that. . . never really did.
Do you ever do this? Commit to something that sounds good on paper, but it doesn’t per say, “light you up inside“?
I mean it sounds fun and all- maybe, one day I will write a story about an epic smoothie adventure, but not now. Now is time for stories of the soul. You see, I have been trying to fit in a box my whole life and honestly, I’m fed up with boxes right now. I was trying to fit in the smoothie box for a handful of bad reasons. Although, one reason in particular shoots up a red flag. Inthauntencity.
A Word on Boxes and Belonging
I think a lot of us do this. We are smitten with boxes. Yet, we fail to see that the box we are trying to put ourselves in, well, it’s just too small and too rigid. (Especially if you are an Enneagram type 4 or ruled by Neptune and Picsces, like yours truly.)
As a young blossoming creative person, I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt. I’m a free-spirited, go with the flow kind of person. So every time I put limits on myself or I attempt to reach some sort of inauthentic goal that I just adopted from a top blogger or my parents, my spirit FREAKS OUT. And honestly, she goes on strike for a little while. I get confused and down on myself- like: hot dog, Amber, you were so stoked about that new project. You worked so hard to get it polished and beautiful. Why are you giving up?? Because . . .
I was trying to fit in a box and I’m learning I don’t belong in boxes.
(I may have to boycott the square for a while in protest of it’s perfection that it so effortlessly flaunts.)
Don’t get me wrong. I have respect for boxes.
Boxes are safe and safe feels good. People like boxes- they are useful. You can get a pre-made box and get a jump start to whatever it is you are building. Like a pre-made website template and well crafted recipes – no problem using the tried and true method as a step to your masterpiece.
Boxes can appear to be perfect with their straight lines and equal number of sides. However, boxes are not very great containers for leading a creative life. Have you ever seen a wild animal in a box? Kills their spirit! We can try to jazz up our box with color and photos of rainbows and lightning bolts, but at the end of the day a box is a box. It’s lacking in character, quirkiness, grit and WILDNESS. It’s vanilla. Stale and overused.
Anyway, I think you get the point. Use boxes, but don’t get yourself stuck in one.
Don’t get yourself stuck in a boring box that you don’t want to be in.
I’m not here to please you.
Ok, let’s get this out of the way: I’m not here to please you. I’m not here to fit nicely in a box or even do box things. I’m here to be like unfired clay.
Sorry if that’s an ouchie, but I just don’t care what you think anymore. I love you, but I’ve wasted too much time and energy worrying about your opinion. I urge you to stop, too. Can we please all stop doing this??
I’m a bit embarrassed to say that the smoothie post and the five favorite things posts were both motivated by a desire to be “liked, accepted, seen, heard”. My poor little mind. She was trying to be so clever. I’ve exhausted her by trying to figure out how to “do what I’m passionate about while being “successful”. Let me rephrase that.
I’ve exhausted my mind trying to figure out how to please others and myself, simultaneously. It’s all so sad but true. And I’d say . . . ohhhh, 99% impossible.
I am not here to please you.
Are YOU letting others control your life through people-pleasing?
I believe that many of us get caught up in this teeter-tottering action of doing, saying and creating WHAT WE TRULY LOVE and WHAT WE THINK WILL GET US LOVE.
I can recall moments in my life when I started something that I was excited about, whether it be a new career, relationship, art project, business, home remodel, etc. The inspiration was pure but somewhere along the way it slowly shifted into something far from my original vision, all because I got wrapped up in thinking about what others will think. So there I was, just trekking down a trail that I don’t want to be on with people that I didn’t click with. Waking up somewhere I didn’t belong going: “how the heck did I end up here??!”
Peace, love and freedom are on the other side of people-pleasing.
In Recovery
So here I am. 31 years of age. Sharper. Wiser. More intuitive than my younger self. Right?
Definitely, but my journey is not over.
Like a dog with a keen sense of scent, I can sniff out any funny business that my mind is trying to trick me into wayyyyy before I’m down the trail. I can hear the tempting voices howling promises of instant comfort. I feel the aching longing to be loved, accepted and part of a team. I know what I need now. I need to listen to my head, but I need to follow my heart. EVERY TIME.
Well, it turns out, I’m just a human, not a dog, and I make human mistakes and I’m still honing my abilities to act from a place of self-love. Recovering from people-pleasing and deeply rooted limiting beliefs, like perfectionism, takes practice.
It takes devotion and diligence and forgiveness and lots of self-love.
Following your own wise, heart is a courageous daily practice.
Bottom line: Surprise! I’m a human healing. I tried to be “likeable” instead of just being me- it happens. People-pleasing is an unhealthy habit that takes time to change. I’m in recovery and doing my best to love, accept and show up as poetry loving, holistic wellness obsessed, astrology nerd, spiritual Amber more often. I’m being called to serve. Let’s talk more about what lights you up inside soon.
A Takeaway (for people-pleasers and confused minds)– Ten years ago, on the brink of my spiritual awakening, I probably would have said something dumb like this: “just be you, because everyone else is taken.” Today, I’m opting for this:
If you have been through a traumatic life event, oh, say like: a divorce, career change, death or birth, (ya know, those major rites of passage that invite you to re-discover yourself through hard life-lessons, e.i., your saturn return), then you might do silly things in the process. Transitional phases of life are very fertile ground for experimentation and silliness! However, these times can become dark and we can become desperate for the light. (mmm, I feel the ache-ness just writing this) We can get real turned around and out of sync with ourselves. So we do silly things like eating raw cookie dough or cutting off our hair or taking bad life advice from middle aged white men that certainly know squat about our story. We go a bit mad.
We keep trying. It’s a process. You will get there.
Be easy on yourself. It’s ok to do something and later realize that was a total mistake. You are allowed to make mistakes and you can always change your mind. Just keep coming back to self-love. Remind yourself that you are growing and please ask yourself if you belong in a box.
Perhaps, you are better suited for a clay vessel. Perhaps . . .
You can always begin anew.
Go Deeper:
Can you pinpoint areas in your life that don’t feel quite “right”?
Are you people-pleasing your way through life?
What was the inspiration or motivation behind your latest instagram post?
Do you know what Enneagram type you are?
What does your astrology say about your uniqueness?
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Lioness Inside
I have a lot of things to say.
I think I'll start saying them... yep. Let's start with this little truth for all of my introverted, shy pals...
I grew up "the shy one" - being consistently scared of people. At times my timidness was so bad that my sister or best friend would have to speak for me. I was always, secretly living in fear. Scared of hurting, disappointing, or making others feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar? ( I've also developed a really good "I don't care" attitude, but really I always care. ) I'm really good at observing and noticing the subtleties. I have the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear. I'm like expert people pleaser. It comes in handy sometimes. Actually, I love my spider senses of knowing what people need to hear. But I've learned that people pleasing doesn't always help. Actually, most times, the truth is hands-down the most healing. Even when it hurts. So let's do ourselves a favor and just say what we want to say. . . In the kindest, most compassionate, most understanding, empathetic way possible. ☺️ we all got problems. Woo ... ok.... that was enough for like the year. HA. #babysteps #thereisalioninside 🌋🌋🌋
photo of how I look 90% of the time by sister, Lexi B Adams. #onamission
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Be still and know.
Be still and know ⋒
One of my favorite texts from the Bible. It’s so simple, yet so powerful. And just the words I’ve needed lately to anchor into the present moment (where the magic happens). Be still and know that other forces are at play. Be still and know that you are healing. Be still and know that you are light, love, darkness, formless and everything in between. Be still and know that you are not alone. Be still and know that what you are feeling is truth. ⋒
May you take some time to enter into the deep, divine feeling place and know whatever comes up for you is exactly what you need. Trust it.
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
you are so complex. I love. you.
U-N-F-O-L-D-I-N-G. 🌸
Adding layers, peeling them back, letting them go or tucking some away for another day. We all contain so much wisdom in our layers of life experiences. Today, I let one go. Today I choose not to feel bad about wearing lipstick and mascara. Somewhere (probably while hiking the AT) I picked up a story that wearing makeup was dishonest and not “natural” enough. 〰️〰️〰️ Jeeeee-wiz, amber. Loosen up, girl. You can be so rigid and serious sometimes. Right?? Hmmmm, so today’s wisdom seems to be coming through as : if it feels good, don’t suppress or resist it. Do it! Be it! Love it! And maybe, find some time to be a little silly. 💋💄💁♀️💃🏻 #rejoice in #femininity !!! #hershelterpoetry
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Answers in the bones.
The answers are always alive in us. Yet, for some reason or another they are not always available to us. Or maybe they are! 🤔 Anyway, it sure does feel hazy when an idea strikes! ⚡️I tend to have soooo many questions. (also sooo many ideas) Like, "ok, Spirit, I hear you but can you speak a little louder about: how, when and why???" Dreams, creative projects, big ideas and soul callings require so much patience and strength and WORK. I posted early today on @opalandwonder's instagram feed about how entrepreneurship is such a grand spiritual journey. So freakin' true. Keep the faith, fellow manifestors! I'm with ya all the way. 🌟
Monday, December 12, 2016
Dear heavy souls,
🔸Sometimes you have to take steps back in order to move forward. 🔸
I'm not sure where I first heard that, but it's been my mantra for the past 9 months. If you are stuck, hurting, fed up, lost, feeling hopeless and tired of trying to make it work, I feel you. 🙏🏻 It sucks.
But just because you feel the heaviness does not mean you are weak. Heaviness leads to healing. And healing requires bravery and strength. You are at the cusp of transformation, my friend. Do not be scared to let go. Let the tears of vulnerability fall. Let the walls down. Let your heart break open and feel everything. No matter how long it takes.
I'm grateful for all my friends and family who held space for me to do just that. No judgement. Just unconditional, pure love. 💛 Let's remember that everyone is going through something. Let's open our hurts and minds and allow more vulnerability to shine. 🌟
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Take it Easy
6 months ago I was a different girl.
6 months ago I had a fiance.
6 months ago I lived with my parents.
6 months ago I worked 40 hours a week.
6 months ago I did not know how to "go with the flow."
6 months ago I had never touched alcohol.
6 months ago I did not have an open mind.
6 months ago I knew exactly where my life was going.
During these 6 months, yes, I have lost more of my innocence but I have gained experience. And with true knowledge and understanding I have changed my perspective. No longer am I on the fast track, I'm takin' it easy. Why rush through college, work for the man, get married, spend all your money on diapers, and then look back and only remember yourself stressing to get ahead? Now I have a life goal to live free. I want to experience all the good and bad life has to offer. Forget my planner, instead I want to live for the moment. Less work, more play. No more saving 80% of my paycheck, let's go buy some liquor and zaxby's! Goodbye relationships, hello independence. I don't no where my life is headed, no worries, I'm enjoying the ride and takin' it easy.
Thank you Bonnaroo for channeling my inner peace child years ago. Mind, body and soul- all open for new experience
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