in soul chats
Wednesday, May 5, 2021
My Fears of a Garden Taught Me I had to Let Go in Order to Bloom
“Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.” ― Joyce Meyer,
It was the perfect day to get the seeds in the ground. The sun was shining and Josh had finished work early, so we could all plant them as a family. Although, I was feeling resistant and I wasn’t sure why. Josh reminded me how much I wanted to do this and that we have been holding on to the seeds for over a year. ‘Fine.” I thought. Let’s just get this over with.
We started our first garden and now I’m realizing how much fear I had surrounding it.
I wanted the plants to stay close to me. I was scared to put the seeds in the ground. What if they wouldn’t sprout from me doing something wrong?
I kept the lettuce in pots, thinking they would be safer. Putting them in the ground was overwhelming to me. So many things could go wrong and it seems so permanent. Where as, if they are in a pot, I have the freedom to move them around or repot them if need be.
I wanted to be in control.
What if it rained too much? What if it didn’t rain at all this season and I forgot to water them one day? What if the deer get to the veggies? What if the weeds take over? WHAT IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I don’t really know what I’m doing anyway. Isn’t there a science to this? How much space do we need between each plant? Which direction do the rows need to go in? How do we know if the soil is healthy? What else do I not know?
I was beginning to feel completely inadequate in gardening. I hadn’t even begun.
Do you ever feel like this when starting something new?
If so, I invite you to reflect with me.
How can we practice being brave in the act of letting go of control? How can we not only have Faith in God; but also have Faith in ourselves? Can we believe in ourselves, in our abilities to tend to our hopes and desires? Can we plant new seeds and trust in our caretaking skills? Can we believe that we are CAPABLE, POWERFUL and WORTHY of blooming?
Can we be patient enough in the struggle as we push up through the soil? And then take time to celebrate our strength, our resiliency and our new growth before moving on to the next season of life?
The answer, of course, is YES. You know it and I know it.
But every time we are faced with fear of the unknown we have an opportunity to plant more seeds. It’s a lifelong practice. We must remember though, that we can’t reap the benefits of seeds we don’t sow.
So let’s encourage each other to take action and get our seeds in the ground.
May the promise of new growth outweigh our fear of stumbling.
Friday, January 8, 2021
Postpartum Day 10 Vlog
💘 Postpartum Thoughts 💘 Lots of thoughts from my last 10 days postpartum. Kinda preachy, def. rambley, all raw truth. 🥰Hoping it will resonate with someone. ❤️ If I had the energy to re-record, I’d substitute the word “crazy” for “wild”. So just keep that in mind. Words matter- birth isn’t so much “crazy” as it is “wild.” A shaman once told me I use the word “crazy” too much... Haha... now i know I do... whoops. 🤪Ok . Thanks shaman! Ok. Enjoy listening to a little of our story. Birth story still to come. 💓💓💓 take care & love on your mamas!! 🙏#motherhood #postpartum #soulchat
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Soul Chat: Finding Courage in Community
Takeaways: Following the Heart is the most courageous act. Community empowers our true inner voice. Un-faced fears are our limits. We are all golden threads in each other’s webs. I never want to hear crickets after being vulnerable. We are all healing.
We are building a new Earth.
I love you.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
People Pleasing, Recovery & Why I'm here.
I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt.
Today, I woke up with a little more clarity than yesterday and I remembered something.
I don’t belong in a box.
Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I said that I was going to post some delicious smoothie recipes and that every Thursday I would post five of my favorite things. Although, the truth is – I don’t want to do that. . . never really did.
Do you ever do this? Commit to something that sounds good on paper, but it doesn’t per say, “light you up inside“?
I mean it sounds fun and all- maybe, one day I will write a story about an epic smoothie adventure, but not now. Now is time for stories of the soul. You see, I have been trying to fit in a box my whole life and honestly, I’m fed up with boxes right now. I was trying to fit in the smoothie box for a handful of bad reasons. Although, one reason in particular shoots up a red flag. Inthauntencity.
A Word on Boxes and Belonging
I think a lot of us do this. We are smitten with boxes. Yet, we fail to see that the box we are trying to put ourselves in, well, it’s just too small and too rigid. (Especially if you are an Enneagram type 4 or ruled by Neptune and Picsces, like yours truly.)
As a young blossoming creative person, I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt. I’m a free-spirited, go with the flow kind of person. So every time I put limits on myself or I attempt to reach some sort of inauthentic goal that I just adopted from a top blogger or my parents, my spirit FREAKS OUT. And honestly, she goes on strike for a little while. I get confused and down on myself- like: hot dog, Amber, you were so stoked about that new project. You worked so hard to get it polished and beautiful. Why are you giving up?? Because . . .
I was trying to fit in a box and I’m learning I don’t belong in boxes.
(I may have to boycott the square for a while in protest of it’s perfection that it so effortlessly flaunts.)
Don’t get me wrong. I have respect for boxes.
Boxes are safe and safe feels good. People like boxes- they are useful. You can get a pre-made box and get a jump start to whatever it is you are building. Like a pre-made website template and well crafted recipes – no problem using the tried and true method as a step to your masterpiece.
Boxes can appear to be perfect with their straight lines and equal number of sides. However, boxes are not very great containers for leading a creative life. Have you ever seen a wild animal in a box? Kills their spirit! We can try to jazz up our box with color and photos of rainbows and lightning bolts, but at the end of the day a box is a box. It’s lacking in character, quirkiness, grit and WILDNESS. It’s vanilla. Stale and overused.
Anyway, I think you get the point. Use boxes, but don’t get yourself stuck in one.
Don’t get yourself stuck in a boring box that you don’t want to be in.
I’m not here to please you.
Ok, let’s get this out of the way: I’m not here to please you. I’m not here to fit nicely in a box or even do box things. I’m here to be like unfired clay.
Sorry if that’s an ouchie, but I just don’t care what you think anymore. I love you, but I’ve wasted too much time and energy worrying about your opinion. I urge you to stop, too. Can we please all stop doing this??
I’m a bit embarrassed to say that the smoothie post and the five favorite things posts were both motivated by a desire to be “liked, accepted, seen, heard”. My poor little mind. She was trying to be so clever. I’ve exhausted her by trying to figure out how to “do what I’m passionate about while being “successful”. Let me rephrase that.
I’ve exhausted my mind trying to figure out how to please others and myself, simultaneously. It’s all so sad but true. And I’d say . . . ohhhh, 99% impossible.
I am not here to please you.
Are YOU letting others control your life through people-pleasing?
I believe that many of us get caught up in this teeter-tottering action of doing, saying and creating WHAT WE TRULY LOVE and WHAT WE THINK WILL GET US LOVE.
I can recall moments in my life when I started something that I was excited about, whether it be a new career, relationship, art project, business, home remodel, etc. The inspiration was pure but somewhere along the way it slowly shifted into something far from my original vision, all because I got wrapped up in thinking about what others will think. So there I was, just trekking down a trail that I don’t want to be on with people that I didn’t click with. Waking up somewhere I didn’t belong going: “how the heck did I end up here??!”
Peace, love and freedom are on the other side of people-pleasing.
In Recovery
So here I am. 31 years of age. Sharper. Wiser. More intuitive than my younger self. Right?
Definitely, but my journey is not over.
Like a dog with a keen sense of scent, I can sniff out any funny business that my mind is trying to trick me into wayyyyy before I’m down the trail. I can hear the tempting voices howling promises of instant comfort. I feel the aching longing to be loved, accepted and part of a team. I know what I need now. I need to listen to my head, but I need to follow my heart. EVERY TIME.
Well, it turns out, I’m just a human, not a dog, and I make human mistakes and I’m still honing my abilities to act from a place of self-love. Recovering from people-pleasing and deeply rooted limiting beliefs, like perfectionism, takes practice.
It takes devotion and diligence and forgiveness and lots of self-love.
Following your own wise, heart is a courageous daily practice.
Bottom line: Surprise! I’m a human healing. I tried to be “likeable” instead of just being me- it happens. People-pleasing is an unhealthy habit that takes time to change. I’m in recovery and doing my best to love, accept and show up as poetry loving, holistic wellness obsessed, astrology nerd, spiritual Amber more often. I’m being called to serve. Let’s talk more about what lights you up inside soon.
A Takeaway (for people-pleasers and confused minds)– Ten years ago, on the brink of my spiritual awakening, I probably would have said something dumb like this: “just be you, because everyone else is taken.” Today, I’m opting for this:
If you have been through a traumatic life event, oh, say like: a divorce, career change, death or birth, (ya know, those major rites of passage that invite you to re-discover yourself through hard life-lessons, e.i., your saturn return), then you might do silly things in the process. Transitional phases of life are very fertile ground for experimentation and silliness! However, these times can become dark and we can become desperate for the light. (mmm, I feel the ache-ness just writing this) We can get real turned around and out of sync with ourselves. So we do silly things like eating raw cookie dough or cutting off our hair or taking bad life advice from middle aged white men that certainly know squat about our story. We go a bit mad.
We keep trying. It’s a process. You will get there.
Be easy on yourself. It’s ok to do something and later realize that was a total mistake. You are allowed to make mistakes and you can always change your mind. Just keep coming back to self-love. Remind yourself that you are growing and please ask yourself if you belong in a box.
Perhaps, you are better suited for a clay vessel. Perhaps . . .
You can always begin anew.
Go Deeper:
Can you pinpoint areas in your life that don’t feel quite “right”?
Are you people-pleasing your way through life?
What was the inspiration or motivation behind your latest instagram post?
Do you know what Enneagram type you are?
What does your astrology say about your uniqueness?
Thursday, January 16, 2020
A Soul Chat: For Uncertain Times
Find A Tree & Hold on Tight
Remember when we were kids and they would tell us that if we were to ever get lost in the woods to find a tree and hold on? Well, I’m here to tell you it works. (especially if you have a whistle) When we are lost we need something to anchor into. Something that will remind us to stand still and breathe. Help always comes.
Firstly, if you are searching for light in the midst of a hazy time, please know that you are not alone. I am with you. I feel you from miles away. I feel your shoulders heavy with the weight of the world. I feel your stomach full of deep desires. I feel your heart bursting with so much pain because you just want to make a difference.
I get it. I understand what it feels like to be searching for more. More than what you are currently experiencing. You are hungry for a sign, a glimmer of hope that there is more than a mediocre existence. You are craving clarity in a time of uncertainty.
Secondly, let me tell. Hope is available. Love will take you. Hold on with all of your might. You can get through this. Keep your mind strong. This is not the time to doubt your trailblazing skills. This is a time to harness your power and transmute confusion into clarity. Turn your “I’m not good enough, I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life, everything sucks” thinking into portals of curiosities. “Hmmm, well , that didn’t quite work like I thought it would . . . I wonder if I tried a different method. . . wow. . now I realize I need more time to myself . . . Oh. . . ok. . . that probably wasn’t the best time to start a garden. . .”
Lastly, extend grace and love to yourself. If you are an ambitious person willing to risk and sacrifice in the name of your dreams, then chances are high that you are a person with a courageous and determined spirit. Remember that! Channel that!
Think of this time as an invitation from the universe to believe in yourself and your spirit guides. The universe rewards those who believe.
So find a tree, say a prayer and hold on.
Thanks to the internet, we can journey together. All of my love, dear friend.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Why I’m taking a long break from social media.
We live in a seemingly connected world. Technology has enabled us to connect whenever, wherever. It has made our lives more efficient and we now have access to an abundance of resources. One can argue that we are connected to everything ALL OF THE TIME. Yet, we are finding ourselves separate from the things that matter most. Our best friends are in our back pocket, but we still feel lonely.
Distracted, Discontent and Disconnected from the real world.
This became all too clear when I gave birth to my first son, River. I found myself feeling alone and frustrated. I was doing all the things I thought would help bring me closer to my joy. I was going to story time and visiting with family and going to mom groups. I even tried to start a mom blog.
None of that seemed to work. It just made me feel more lonely. It took all year to figure out that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just too dang distracted. I made the link between social-media and my feelings of “dis-connect”. Everyday I felt this weird pressure to post, like, engage, follow, connect. Since I had used social media as a Marketing tool in my prior business the habitualized “need to be active online” pattern way of thinking was strong. Naturally, I thought connecting online was the most efficient way to gain support and not lose my shit as a new mom. So I would hop on a mom Facebook group while breastfeeding or scroll Pinterest for some meal inspiration. But it just made me feel more overwhelmed, sad, alone and anxious.
“Earth to Amber”, I would hear Nature whisper. “It’s time to come back to reality.”
It was stealing so much of my time and stressing me out. I had to take a break. So I did a 30 day social media cleanse. It was freeing and insightful. I was surprised at how easy it was, but I was excited to get back online. Spending time on Social Media had become a ritual and a creative outlet, especially since I started posting my poetry on Instagram.
sometimes you need more than a short shower
It was only a couple days of me being back online when a sinking, intuitive feeling came about. I had just wasted precious napping time mindlessly scrolling. I knew I needed a longer break to change this unhealthy relationship I was having with my phone. Every time I would grab it my fingers instantly swiped open my social apps and then I checked my email. I was addicted to that little dopamine hit that we get from notifications!!!
Babies bring motivation.
A few weeks before River turned one, I had a big ah-ha moment after he began imitating me cleaning. Oh my gosh, this baby is watching my every move. I have to be the best role model I can be! I was inspired and motivated to be a better mother- a mother that was not consumed by her phone. I mean, I’m molding the future. This is an honor, a privilege and a huge responsibility. I’m taking this role seriously. I thought to myself.
I vowed to get off social media until I felt more confident and connected with the things that mattered most.
I’m currently 52 days social media free and one thing is for sure. I’m doing a lot more of what I love. This blog is a testament to that! So far, I’ve been writing everyday- focused and fearless. I’m betting that I will feel more present through the holidays, which will in turn make me feel more connected to my family and friends. I know that by the end of this, I will return to social media with a stronger mindset, clear intentions, healthy boundaries, better sex life, better attitude and way less anxiety.
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