It got me thinking about the healing process and how insanely wise our bodies are. There wasn’t time to process the turn of events. I was a mom, now. I had to put on a brave face and keep this little guy alive. There was a lot to learn and do. So the emotions would just have to wait as best they could. Now, this doesn’t mean I was cool, calm and collected. I had my moments of uncontrollable tears and trembling fear; however, I’m realizing now just how much my body absorbed and stored so that I could get through what I needed to. The feelings would be there to process later.
in birthstory
Wednesday, January 27, 2021
The Birth Story of Indie Oaks
Dear Indie,
It’s 9:45 am on a Thursday in January. You are 3 weeks old and I've been attempting to string some words together to tell your birth story. It was such an event! I was only in active labor for four hours but the whole process leading up to the moment you were in my arms was quite frankly, dramatic and intense. So intense that my labor completely stalled for a whole day due to emotional stress!
Sweet girl, one day you may experience giving birth and I hope that I am right beside you every step of the way like Daddy and Grammie were for me. It is one wild ride and guess what. All you really have to do is relax and enjoy it for the most part. Then towards the end, it's some work, but I know you will be strong and I know you will believe in yourself and your body. I know, because I’m going to teach you. I will teach you how to trust yourself and breathe properly and have faith that everything is going to be ok.
Indie, we welcomed you during a beautiful snowy, white Christmas weekend. Everything was glistening as the sun beamed down upon us. I was basking in the beauty and gratitude as we drove home with you and River in the backseat. I just kept saying to everyone that congratulated us, “I’m so glad she is here.” I am. I am so insanely happy you are here beside me, making your little grunting noises and looking at the world with your big wandering eyes.
On May 1st, 2020 I discovered that I was pregnant with you.
Did you know that Beltane is on May 1st? A day symbolizing fertility and the unity of male and female energies to create new life . Scotland and Ireland observe it as a special holiday by celebrating with a big fire festival. You have scott-irish blood! How cool is that!?
I was a little in shock because we weren’t “trying” to get pregnant but you really wanted to be part of the family and grow up with River. We accepted this and started getting ready for you! Grammie and I went and bought you new clothes, blankets and other goodies so that it would really feel like home to you. I think Daddy was the most excited. He really wanted a little girl and has been working around the clock to provide for you and our family. He has plans to make you your own room very soon! I found some floral wallpaper that I think you will love. When you get a little older, you will be able to decorate it however you want. It will be your sacred space.
During the time you were in my belly, I was really sick . . . a lot. You wouldn’t let me eat pizza or drink soda water (two of my favorite things). You wouldn’t let me take a bath or sleep on my right side. You were very active in the womb, constantly kicking and stretching. You are already so strong from those exercises! You love lifting your head up and trying to stand already!
So yes, being pregnant with you wasn’t all that fun. We were also in a global pandemic! So I couldn’t see my friends. It was hard, but we got through it.
Towards the end, I was very ready to meet you. I thought you might have been coming around Thanksgiving because my contractions started getting stronger and you seemed to be moving down instead of sitting up in my chest! I had to pee all the time because you were sitting on my bladder!
It was on Christmas Eve when you started to make your descent into the birth canal.
You heard all of us celebrating and you just couldn’t wait. You were ready to meet your family! So as soon as we said bye to Grammie, Pappy, Aunt sis, Body, Uncle Tuck and Uncle J, you pretty much said “wait ya’ll I’m coming!”
I felt my belly tightening every 10 minutes! I gave the family a big hug and as they walked out the door, my smile grew bigger as I blurted out "see ya in a couple days!" I knew I was going to hold you soon. I went upstairs to finish wrapping Maya Moon’s gift before we left for Grandma-ma and Pappa D’s house and felt my belly tighten with more contractions, one after the other! I knew it was time. So me and Daddy got our bags packed and prepared to go to the Birth Center.
On our way to town, we figured out where River was going to go because he couldn’t be with us. We had plans for him to stay with Grammie and Pappy at our house but they got stuck driving in the snow! So we dropped him off to spend the night with Maya Moon.
I felt my belly tightening every 10 minutes! I gave the family a big hug and as they walked out the door, my smile grew bigger as I blurted out "see ya in a couple days!" I knew I was going to hold you soon. I went upstairs to finish wrapping Maya Moon’s gift before we left for Grandma-ma and Pappa D’s house and felt my belly tighten with more contractions, one after the other! I knew it was time. So me and Daddy got our bags packed and prepared to go to the Birth Center.
On our way to town, we figured out where River was going to go because he couldn’t be with us. We had plans for him to stay with Grammie and Pappy at our house but they got stuck driving in the snow! So we dropped him off to spend the night with Maya Moon.
This was our first night without your brother. I didn’t realize how sad it would make me. I didn’t like leaving him, but we had to. Daddy and I get in the car and started driving to the Birth Center so we could meet you!
But there was a problem . . .
The snow was coming down fast and hard! It was like a blizzard! The roads were covered and everyone was driving really slow so they could be safe. I was scared we weren’t going to make it! And you know what happens when a birthing woman is scared? Labor stops. Yep. My labor started slowing down when we were in the car and by the time we got to the Birth Center, my contractions completely stopped!!
We tried all sorts of things to try to induce labor again. I was doing laps around the room, lots of lunges and circling around on a big giant yoga ball. Daddy helped, too. He put a big giant scarf around my belly and tried to shimmy you around. Nothing seemed to help. I think you needed rest after the big stressful drive. I think I needed rest, too.
I was so sad. I was sad to be away from your brother and I was sad that the nurse and the midwife that drove out to help us were away from their families on Christmas and I was sad because we weren’t going to meet you (yet).
We were stuck
We had to stay the night at the Birth Center so we could leave safely in the morning when the roads were clear.
My sweet girl, just remember, not everything goes according to plan during birth . . . or in life. We can’t control everything. We must learn to go with the flow and trust in the Mystery.
The next morning we wake up and drive to get River. We were so excited to go home and spend Christmas together. We had gifts under the tree and banana bread to eat! But we ran into another problem . . . we couldn’t go home! Our mountain roads still had lots of snow on them. So we waited and waited for the snow plows to clear the roads, but they never came. During all of this waiting in the car, River was getting cranky, I was getting hungry and we ran out of diapers. And guess what . . . No stores were open! Not even Walmart!
So we went back to Grandma-ma’s and Pappa D’s and on the way there we decided to stay the night because I was afraid the roads would get bad again overnight and we wouldn’t be able to make it to the birth center if you decided to come again!
While Daddy and River played in the snow, I rested the whole day and I prayed that you would wait a little bit longer, because I really needed to recover from all the chaos and you did.
We finally made it home the next day and celebrated Christmas together.
Daddy and River played outside some more while I repacked our bags. During dinner, the contractions started happening again and I looked at Daddy like “uh oh . . . she could be coming tonight.” Then, “BAM” my water erupted! I screamed because for a split second I didn’t know what had happened. I thought someone had punched me in the vagina! But . . oh no . . wait … . I’m all wet! My water broke!
Chaos ensues.
Daddy gets panicky (which is strange because he never does)! River is scared and senses our stress. I’m trying to talk to the midwife and explain to her that “YES, I’m one thousand percent sure my water just broke”. As much as we had prepared, we still felt like we weren’t ready. BUT YOU WERE!
After running around like chickens with our heads cut off, we finally get in the car and start driving to the Birth Center. It’s dark and there is still so much snow on the ground. Luckily, Daddy is a great driver and got us to the Birth Center safely and quickly!
It’s a little blurry from here. One day, you might understand first hand how this part of the journey gets fuzzy. You have to focus with all of your might on your breathing. You have to get super connected with your body. Nothing else matters. You just take it breathe by breathe.
I was so grateful to have Daddy and the Birth Center team there holding space for me. They encouraged me the whole way through and made me feel safe and like I was doing exactly what I needed to do.
Just a few more hours and we would be laying in bed together!
I labored in the shower on my hands and knees for about an hour. The intensity was so strong and my body was working so hard. My knees started to go numb and my inner thighs were aching. I could barely stand up when we started to move to the birth pool. I leaned on Daddy and the nurses as they helped me get into the water.
Ahhhh. . . the water felt so good. I could hear the midwife and nurse gathering supplies to catch you. “Wow, “ I thought, we are almost to the pushing phase. I made all kinds of animal noises. I howled and growled and moaned. One day, I will teach you about how opening your throat and jaw helps to open your pelvis! Your body is so cool.
So the wider I could open my mouth and the deeper I could get my voice to go, the easier it was to help you move down. We were working together. I moved into low lunges and deep squats and once I flipped around I felt ready to push. But I couldn’t get grounded in the water. My body just kept floating to the top. So we moved to the bed, which is where I birthed River!
Daddy was behind, holding my hand and cheering us on the whole time. I pushed for only twenty four minutes! (River took two hours!) At the very end, I felt defeated. I was exhausted. Depleted and like I had given it my all. Your head was half way out. All I needed was one more big push, one more big roar. I heard the nurse say “you have to do this. Do this for your baby.” And that’s all it took to unlock my fear. I gave all that I didn’t even have left to give and you were born. (that’s motherhood) Conjuring up energy when you have none.
Once I felt you on my chest, all was right in the world. I was full of gratitude and love and euphoria. Nothing compares to birth. Nothing.
-Mama
Friday, September 25, 2020
Initiation into Parenthood: Our NICU Journey.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the moments right after River was born. Every other day this month, I have a flash back to our time in the NICU and how truly traumatic it all was. Thank goodness, these people were there for us. Reminding us that we are strong and so is our new little boy.
We are two years into parenthood and I still find myself, more often than not, reliving the first moments of becoming a mother.
Let me set the scene.
I had just birthed my first baby. Naturally. It was approximately 12 hours from when I began having major contractions to the moment he took his first breath. Let me say that again. Twelve hours in this unknown place, where you are just along for a wild, dark ride and just trying to keep breathing. It’s uncomfortable and otherworldly, like a bad trip with lots of pain.
Once River was born, all was well in the world. I was sinking into the bed in the most euphoric state of bliss. Feeling the most powerful I have ever felt. The pillows and blankets swallowing me as River laid on my chest holding my finger. The smell of birth billowed through the room. He wasn’t bloody like I thought he would be. Instead, he was clean and sweet smelling. I kissed all over his head. Josh was right beside me basking in the sight of his son.
Fast Breathing
The midwives came in periodically to check his breathing. It was a little choppy, but “nothing to be alarmed about,” they reassured us. “We are going to send you to the hospital just so we can double check everything out with an expert.”
When our midwives explained that an ambulance would come to get us because it was protocol everything seemed so fine and normal. They did an excellent job at keeping us calm. I didn’t like the idea of riding in the ambulance without Josh, but it was only a 3 minute drive. For some reason, I pictured us arriving at the hospital and the respiratory doctor meeting us in the parking lot to have a quick listen and give us the ok to go home. That’s the picture our midwives were painting. Looking back, I know it was for the best, but just imagine the shock it created when that’s not what happened . . . at all.
As if the whole 24 hours leading up to being wheeled away in an ambulance wasn’t traumatic enough. . . we were now entering another event that would stretch us and eventually break us into a million tiny pieces.
River and I get wheeled into the Emergency room on a gurney and are instantly met with a whole slew of people- it felt like what happens on T.V.- doctors and nurses briskly walking and talking to each other while you are left completely in the dark as they speak in code. They take my baby out of my arms and put him a plastic tub. The tears well up inside me, but I know I have to be strong. I have to pay attention and be present. They help me into in a wheel chair and Josh re-joins me as we make our way up the elevator. River goes in another direction. (why, I’m not completely certain)
We find ourselves completely unraveling. Things were getting serious fast and we were left wondering so much- too much. This was not supposed to happen.
The Diagnosis
Standing in an open room with other sick babies and doctors and nurses- they give us the news- River had phnemonia (they think) and would have to stay overnight to be treated.
I’m tempted to say that a wave of emotions flooded over us, but that doesn’t quite articulate the feelings we were having. Hold tight. I’ll figure out something else.
As if the thought of our freshly birthed baby, sleeping in a hospital on his first night outside of the womb, wasn’t enough to knock us off our feet . . . we proceeded to hear the words:
“you can’t stay here. we are out of rooms and since you didn’t birth here. . .we don’t have a room for you”
Wait, wait wait. HOLD UP. What did you just say?
I swear I thought you said that I would have to leave my baby here and go someplace else? As in, exit the building or wait in an anxiety and fear ridden waiting room??
Josh and I look at each other with enough disappear that it would send even the most joful person into instant depression. We cry. NO. We wail. We sob. Snot dripping everywhere. Completely disheveled and delirious. In the middle of a swarm of polished medial professional. Me, with birth juices and body fluid still caked to my back side and lower half.
We were just coming off the most intense, dramatic and TRAUMATIC night of our lives.
Hope springs forth when a nurse announces that a transitional room was becoming available. We could stay in the room but River would have to stay in the ward for at least one night. “Fine,” I thought. This is happening and I’m not leaving him.
My parents were already on the way home to Tennessee but came back the second they heard the news. It was nice having them with me for the short time, but they had to leave once visitation ended.
The First Night
That first night. Oh my gosh, that first night. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it. I was all alone with River. Well, kind of. We were in a giant ward with about ten other babies, separated by a thick curtain. I could hear everything- from the beeping machines to the little newborn wails and the nurse’s feet shuffling back and forth. It was freezing, as all hospitals seem to be. It smelled sterile, yet sickly at the same time. Like someone just threw up in a new car. Everything seemed unnatural- from the cords that River was attached to and the humming machines and the fact that I wasn’t laying next him with our skin touching. There were no other moms around.
I was so unsure of my motherly skills, but I tried my best to trust my intuition. I found myself bouncing him through out the night swaying back in forth in the 4 foot space we had. I was so nervous about holding him the right way and I didn’t want to mess up his cords, especially his IV. I was so tired. Goodness, was I tired. The only thing keeping me awake during the night feedings was the adrenaline. Which by the way, did I mention that breastfeeding is not easy and I was forced to figure it out during this unexpected nightmare.
I don’t remember praying, which is weird for me. And I think it was because I was completely swept away by the whole thing. I was mentally floating someplace else for a while. I guess it was my body’s way of keeping me spiraling emotionally.
I think one of the night nurses noticed the hollowness in my face and most likely picked up on the fact that I had no idea what I was doing. She checked-in on me many times. She would politely try to teach me a better way to calm river without me getting all “hey, I got this. Don’t tell me how to hold my baby” on her. Anyway, she made me this care package of all sorts of things I needed that I didn’t know I needed. Like Tucks pads and cheap chocolate. She reminded me that I had just went through a major thing- giving birth and all. I needed to make sure I was taking care of myself – ya know, down there.
Josh was sleeping in the room with all of stuff for the week. I wished he were right beside me.
It was the longest night of my life.
More hard lessons.
We moved to our room the next afternoon and spent the next six nights there. Josh and I sleeping together on a plastic couch that was smaller than a twin bed. Although, it didn’t really matter what size the bed was because we could barely sleep anyway. I was up every hour to nurse, pump and document River’s diapers and food intake. The nurses would interrupt us every few hours to give River his medicine and check his vitals.
The night that River had to get a new IV in because the one in his arm fell out was the worst. I was still getting used to hearing my child cry. The sound of his little voice alerting me that something was wrong – that he needed me was foreign and at the same time so intimate.
The nurses tried time and time again to get the IV replaced in his arms but his veins kept busting. So they tried his hand and then they tried his foot. I was clenching my whole body throughout the whole process, trying my best to absorb any pain he was feeling. They both looked at each other with a sort of look their eyes where I knew they were about to give me bad news.
“We are going to try a vein in his head. It looks really scary, but it’s actually not that bad.” They assured me that it was easier than trying to find a vein anywhere else. But I couldn’t help but feel even worse, thinking about my newborn being poked and prodded.
I had to leave the room. I felt guilty for not being able to stay. I felt weak. I went to the private nursing room to pump, while I called my mom crying. I wanted to be standing beside River, but my heart couldn’t take it. This might have been the first lesson in discerning when I needed to take care of myself first.
A Blessing in Disguise
Although spending our first week as a family in the hospital was not ideal; it was a wonderful learning experience for me. I got so much support from the nurses and doctors around caring for an infant and breastfeeding. I’m not sure how I could figure out how to swaddle, bathe a newborn and store breastmilk properly if we hadn’t ended up in the hospital’s care. I guess I would be doing a lot of googling and calling my mom.
Meeting River and getting to know him in a foreign place was a bumpy start to my new journey of becoming a Mother, but it made coming come that much sweeter and precious.
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