Dear River,

We’ve been side-by-side for six months. And I mean that very literally. We have only been away from each other a handful of times.

Every morning you wake up happy and chatty. I like to imagine your dreams being full of adventurous, wonder and you are telling me all about them.

We spend all day together, everyday.

I’m told by some people that this is not healthy for either of us. Apparently, I’m creating attachment issues. But, ya know what? I don’t care what they think. I love our time together. Although, sometimes I wish you would chill a bit more so that I could write or eat a warm meal. 📷

We walk the aisles of bookstores and grocery shops like it’s our job. You LOVE being outside and people watching. You got your first tooth this week! It’s on the bottom and right in the center. You are growing like a weed and we are bagging up all of your stylish clothes to pass on to your future BFF cousin! (he’ll be here later this year) You met the ocean this month. Your attitude towards it was as mysterious as the ocean itself. You love to study and observe. (hmmmm, I think you get that from me AND daddy) Oh, and I almost forget- today you tried your first food! The delicious, nutritious AVOCADO. You seemed to like it, but you liked drumming with your spoon more.

River, I hope you will always see and feel and know that me and Daddy are doing our best with what we have been given. I hope that you always feel supported and loved at every phase and stage and age of your life.

Liberation from old thought patterns, stories in my head, self-sabotage, toxic environments, the need of approval. #moksha #happiness

Inner Guidance: set yourself FREEEEEEE! Be that bird in the background. Love one another. Be gentle. Be easy. Let go. Rise up.

“What in the world! It feels like there is a phone buzzing in my ovaries!”

Yep – I felt implantation vibration.

At first I thought it was stress related. I was working on my feet all day, everyday on hard concrete floors and I was exhausted. So I chalked the buzzing ovaries up to another symptom of adrenaline fatigue. But two days later and the buzzing was still happening- my spidey senses started kicking in. “Could I be . . .”

The full moon was in 8 days. Maybe I’m feeling that, I thought. I’m 3 days late. Hmmm, but my period tends to show up at all different times, so that didn’t mean much to me. I told myself that I would take a pregnancy test on Friday so that I wouldn’t be distracted during the work week if I was actually pregnant. (see, I already knew).

I pulled out my tarot cards and laid out a pregnancy spread which ended up being pretty dang accurate! Then I googled “early signs of pregnancy” all day. Two days later, I took a test and got confirmation that I was pregnant.

Trust that intuition, mama!

These two words sum up our current situation: SETTLING IN.

We are 4 months into this journey and I feel like we made it to the “settling-in” part. The first 3 months were very much survival mode- for both me and baby River.

He’s over there thinking: “where the heck am I? It’s bright and loud and people are looking at me and putting clothes on me and I’m not sure what to do. . . when do I get to eat again?”

While I’m over here like: “Am I holding him the right way? How do I clean his penis? Is he even breathing right now? Crap, my water has been boiling for an hour, I NEED TO EAT my oatmeal. Crap, I forgot I started laundry, again. How do I carry packages into the post office AND him? How do I run my business when I can’t even manage to eat, sleep and shower? What are the breastmilk rules, again . . .4 hours and still good?? Babe, I’m sorry I can’t look at how beautiful it is outside, I’m too busy to even look at my own reflection in the mirror!

Those first 3 months were R -O-U-G-H. Holy Moses. But now we are settling-in. “So how did we arrive here,” I ask myself. Well, it helps that River feels more comfortable and safe now. If he is crying, we usually know why. And we are feeling way more confident as parents, well, more so than those initial weeks of his life. Although, now that I’m on the other side and reflecting on the past three months, I realize that we also had to be intentional and shift some things before we could leave the “survival-mode”. In no particular order:

Acceptance. Surrender. Sacrifice. Adapting.

I had to accept the fact that I could not run a business and take care of a newborn. So I put the business on hold and we figured out a way to pay all the bills from Josh’s income.Accepting help without feeling anything other than grateful. This is a biggie. I had to let go of the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and let people help me. Dishes, dinner, changing diapers, whatever was needed – I eventually realized that I had no room in my system for feeling guilty about accepting help.I had to surrender to his minute-by-minute needs and be more go-with-the-flow than ever before. If that meant abandoning a fully loaded grocery cart due to a fussy session so be it. If that meant leaving a loud restaurant because he was over stimulated even through I was really enjoying the company and conversation, so be it.Lowering cleanliness standards.Adapting to an earlier bed time. Actually, scratch that and let’s just say adapting to a new way of life. A life where everything is done in 2 – 3 hour increments.Saying BRB to some of my favorite clothes and being ok with wearing the same outfits over and over because they are more breast-feeding friendly.

Tell me: How are you settling into Motherhood or your pregnancy?