Trying to turn pain into art

Today, I woke up with a little more clarity than yesterday and I remembered something.

At roughly 7:15 am every day I wake up. . . usually too sound of my small hungry humans.

I ready myself to face the day . . . even if the ground is covered in snow for the 11th day in a row. Even though I haven’t left the house in weeks, even though my day looks the same as it did yesterday, even though I’m so tired I could sleep for 4 days straight . .  I know the day will be long and hard, but I get up. I choose to be grateful and like a warrior getting ready for battle I step into the arena. 

Here’s how it goes:

Feed the baby

Check on the toddler

Put wood on the fire

Make Coffee

Give Toddler Snack

Try to Brush Teeth (Maybe)

Clean 2 dishes 

Try to work

Feed baby 

Cry because you’ve already hit a wall

Dry the tears 

Try to work some more 

Feed Baby

Say bye to nanny and wish you hired her to say longer

Try not to feel guilty about the snowy driveway

Make more coffee

Play with toddler and forget about drinking coffee

Put more wood on the fire

Try to eat lunch while keeping baby happy while

Facetime with pregnant sister to vent about  toddler venting

FInally, change clothes from all the spit up, don’t worry about the pants. No time.

Record thoughts of rage so they don’t build up inside

Try to practice asana . . .

On a mat covered in crumbs, dirt, and dog hair

Try not to clean it up, try to keep moving, try to keep the mind focused

Give up and have a dance party with kids instead

Feed Baby and try to make a mental grocery list

Finally, get around to changing pants 

Try to get both kids to nap at the same time

Dance some more so I don’t cry

Try again to get kids to nap . . . ( somehow by the grace of God, succeed)

As soon as they wake up - get more wood for the fire that is definitely out by now

Decide to take kids to play in the snow

Try not to regret the decision

Try to get a family picture but the toddler refuses

Try to let him cry it out (that’s healthy, right?)

Try to get him happy

Go Back inside . . . check on the fire

Try to relax a bit  . . . 

But instead, keep thinking about how both kids really need a bath

Eat dinner on the couch and ignore how messy the house is

Try to make a mental list of everyone you still need to thank for the wedding gifts

End day in awe of how exhausting motherhood is and marvel for a bit that I created humans with the love of my life. 

Like wow. 

So - basically when I lay it out like that it looks like my life is a lot of  “trying”. A lot of striving (moving heaven and Earth) Does this hit a tender spot? Yeah, if you are a mom of littles then I’m willing to bet your day looks a lot like mine. 

When life is rough and heavy. When you have nothing left in the tank and you are running on reserves- Trying is the only thing you can do. Sometimes in life, all we can do is show up and be ready to take the next step. 

“TRYING is enough.” This is something I hear tossed around a lot in the Self Care realm. SHOWING UP every single day (and night for us newborn moms) and giving it your best - it’s everything. 

Or is it? . . .

What if there is one more thing we could do to bring some ease into our lives? Something really simple, but for it to work it takes being devoted, Discipline. Would you be willing to devote yourself to another way for a life of more peace? If so, stay with me. 

As moms, we don't really have a choice. Do you feel this way? Trying is what we do. (we try - it’s our struggle and strife) And for a lot of us, this creates an appetite for freedom. We feel stuck and like everyone around us sees us but no one is REALLY seeing us. So this desire for spontaneity grows and our longing for recognition builds and builds. Until eventually we are energetically trapped by these very real deep emotions.

This relentless role of being a mother can yield a real bad attitude if we aren’t careful. (If we aren’t practicing self-awareness) I know for me, especially with my first son, all the days of “trying” with no time for self-care led to me showing up as a version of myself I didn’t like. (which led to pp depression)

I was trying really really hard every day and night. But there was something deep inside that made my “trying” harder than it should have been. A lot of unprocessed emotions. And hey, I get it. I know what you are thinking - who the FLIP has time to process emotions as a new mom. Those first 12 weeks are survival mode. And I salute you. If you aren’t in a place to process, carry on as a soldier. 

But a lot of us can do this one simple thing. 

Stay with me. I’m proposing that we have options. Yes! Hallelujah. We have a new option other than simply, grinding through the day. Tell me more... 

Option One: Do as we have been doing. 

We can wake up and try as regular ole moms and live into the narrative that life sucks and I never get a break and everything is gross and terrible and I can't go to the grocery store without going over budget because Johnny had to have too many things that weren’t on the list and I don’t have the energy to tame a public tantrum.  

We can show up with our silent rage, suppressed resentment, self-pity, mom-guilt,  alllllllll the Unprocessed emotions. We can let our bitterness steep in us until it has hardened our hearts and suddenly we realize we are way short on patience, yelling at the dog, slamming cabinets shut, blaming our partners for everything under the sun, and . . .  just so not ourselves. It’s hard. Not Ideal. But we get through it. 

Option Two: We can shift our perspective a bit while crushing some limiting beliefs and FREEING ourselves from the heaviness by choosing the path of the Warrior- one who shows up with honor and love. 

We can try our way through the day . . . OR we can rise as warriors.

Deep down we know that it's an honor to be a mother but that truth is so hard to hold in the front of our mind, after so many night feedings and cleaning up dried oatmeal and trying to calm down a kid who is way too upset that his graham cracker just broke in half. 

Our warrior self gets buried by the waves of motherhood. We get bogged down by the mommy fatigue, the mommy guilt, birth trauma, all the mommy things -  that we end up grasping for others to pull us up out of the sand, out of the waves, and into the sun. 

I know personally- this was me, 2.5 years ago with my son River.  I was so hungry for someone to tell me I was doing a great job or that I deserved a break. I was so exhausted, mentally, emotionally, energetically that I couldn’t even remember that I could give myself permission to rest, that I could allow someone to help, that I deserved a night out with my friends. I couldn’t remember I was a warrior. So I just accepted that this was life (which was so depressing) and I kept waking up to get smacked in the face by the waves. 

Someone reminded me that there is another way. Another path, the path of the warrior, which is what I’m here to tell you. 

You are a warrior.

And if you don’t feel like that, may I propose: A daily Yoga practice? One that connects you with this warrior energy.

I encourage you to get on your yoga mat and work out those feelings. Clear out the channel for Love to flow so you can show up, more often than not, with a WARRIOR HEART... So you can feel FREE because when we show up as warriors  . .  the feelings of “ I have to do this” turn into feelings of “I get to do this”. 

That Warrior Love is there. It’s in us, Mothers- it’s how we get up at 3am, homeschool during a pandemic, grocery shop with screaming toddlers, and sing the ABCs with smiles on our faces even though we’ve been doing it for God knows how long.

This life is not easy. It’s not easy being a mother who can go about the day with a strong and steady spirit. 

But a warrior is molded in struggle. A warrior keeps an undying fire lit inside their heart, which only they can blow out themselves.

So don’t blow out your fire. Stop reinforcing negativity. Embrace the challenges. Tap into your Warrior Heart. 

You don’t have to have a yoga mat or some elaborate practice to do this. Look in the mirror and see what you've been waiting for others to recognize. tell yourself what you have been waiting to hear- that you are WORTHY, that you are RADIANT, that you are SUPERHUMAN, that you are RESILIENT, MORE. Let motherhood FREE you from those beliefs that you aren’t worthy or deserving or capable. It’s just not true.

Warriors know their strength & power. They are courageous, confident. They trust & love. (ahem, all the principles of motherhood, are they not?)

Yoga has become a way to keep me connected with this truth and it has brought so much EASE and Lightness into my life. 

We moms are warriors of the heart. Love is what we fight for. It’s how we keep showing up, everyday no matter what. 

So what will you choose: will you simply try? Or will you choose to rise and