I made a Spotify playlist to help us stay on the bright and sunny side this winter!
Thursday, April 27, 2023
The Bees Are Awake
"Mommy. Mom? Mom?" my four-year-old son, River, calls.
"Mmm-hmm," I murmur, wiping the sleep from my eyes as I walk toward the coffee pot.
"Are the bees awake?" he asks, concerned.
I peek outside, praying that the bees are far, far away. One . . . two, three, four. Nope, the bees are up and at 'em. Lively, buzzing from flower to flower steps away from the front door.
My mind searches like a frantic bunny hopping to and fro, looking for a thorny bush to shelter in. I need something to say other than the truth- the truth that is sure to break him into a million pieces. I can't handle that yet. I need coffee. If I'm going to deliver the truth, I have to have a side dish to soothe the heat. I can't just whip around and say point blank, "Yes, hunny, they are." I know better than that. As his mother, I do my job to meet his needs.
My mind races to create a little white lie. Something like, "Yeahhhhh, I think I see one, but it looks like he's getting sleepy. I bet if we eat breakfast, he will go away."
You know– those ridiculous statements we parents say to herd the kids in the direction we want them to go. I caught myself telling my daughter Indie yesterday "Baby, you gotta brush your teeth. You've got bugs in your mouth." Which isn't entirely false . . . microorganisms right? Still- I knew I had to paint a ridiculous picture to compel good hygiene action. I'm embarrassed that it was fear related, but I digress. Back to the bees.
You see, River is deeply terrified of bees. He was stung a few years back, but the pain remains. Me too, buddy . . . I always think.
He doesn't want to be hurt again. He wants nothing to do with the things. So he stays inside and hovers close to my leg when he has to venture out, staying on full alert.
I don't know how to help, and this bugs me. (no pun intended) I don't know what to do to ease his anxiety. I try the ole "hey buddy, don't move. Just stay really still. It won't bother you if you don't bother it."
He shrieks at the sight and hyperventilates at the sound. His nervous system can't handle it.
He's only four, and I wonder what other fears he will have to face in life. So many, I am sure of it. My mother hurt throbs thinking about this.
It makes me think about my fears, past and present. What makes my skin crawl? Ahd what helps get me through it? Of course, heights, death, and all those big-ticket fears flash through my mind, but I dismiss those. I want to go beyond the surface.- past being bitten by a shark or mauled by a bear. I reflect for a moment on the fears I'm dealing with daily like River's bees. . . Then, Ahhhhh, I discover the ouchie zone- being late, being seen as irresponsible, being scared that someone will think I'm a bad person.
Perhaps, we all have bees that we wish would go to sleep. Yep, I'd say we do.
Nothing left to do but serve some little white lies to help us cope. We can wrap around the leg of our mother, pray for bravery, and walk through the flowers shrieking, whether on the inside or echoing for the whole holler to hear.
Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Yoga Pose Spotlight: Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)
Downward Facing Dog
(Adho Mukha Svanasana )
Adho Mukha Svanasana or Downward Facing Dog is classified as an inversion as well as an arm balance and a basic standing pose that elongates the spine and works the entire body. Great for beginners!
Adho Mukha Svanasana is part of the Family of Foundational Yoga Poses, a collection of poses that act as the essential building blocks of a strong physical practice. Foundational poses are used to build upon and are effective prep and counter poses to many other asanas. They help us become more aware of habitual patterns of asymmetry in our bodies. They teach symmetry and are strengthening and stabilizing.
STEP BY STEP HOW TO: DOWNWARD FACING DOG
- Start in plank pose with your shoulders over your wrists. Hands should be shoulder-width apart and grounded through four corners of your palms.
- Press down and out into your hands and lift your hips up and back
- Pressing through fingertips, paying special attention to rooting the space between thumb and first finger. (use a blanket for wrist pain)
- Lift and engage forearms.
- Broaden through collarbones.
- Externally rotate inner-upper arms to widen shoulder blades.
- Remove all tension from neck
- Reach the heels toward the floor. Careful not to hyperextending the knees (If your hamstrings feel tight, you can put a slight bend in the knees)
- Hold for at least 3 breaths.
- To exit pose, simply lower back to plank and onto the floor.
Go deeper! Try placing a block between your inner-upper thighs. Squeeze the block, press into your hands, lift lower arms to the sky, engage thighs and curl tailbone into your naval. Hold for 3 - 5 breaths.
Benefits ☺
- Lengthens spine, hamstrings and calf muscles.
- Strengthens upper body, forearms and wrists.
- Slows heart rate as a result of being a slight inversion, making it a calming pose for the mind and nervous system.
- Alleviates low back pain.
Energetics ☽☉☾
- Grounding
- Balancing
- Stimulating
- Neutralizing
꩜ Balances Root & Heart Chakras
Wednesday, May 5, 2021
My Fears of a Garden Taught Me I had to Let Go in Order to Bloom
“Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.” ― Joyce Meyer,
It was the perfect day to get the seeds in the ground. The sun was shining and Josh had finished work early, so we could all plant them as a family. Although, I was feeling resistant and I wasn’t sure why. Josh reminded me how much I wanted to do this and that we have been holding on to the seeds for over a year. ‘Fine.” I thought. Let’s just get this over with.
We started our first garden and now I’m realizing how much fear I had surrounding it.
I wanted the plants to stay close to me. I was scared to put the seeds in the ground. What if they wouldn’t sprout from me doing something wrong?
I kept the lettuce in pots, thinking they would be safer. Putting them in the ground was overwhelming to me. So many things could go wrong and it seems so permanent. Where as, if they are in a pot, I have the freedom to move them around or repot them if need be.
I wanted to be in control.
What if it rained too much? What if it didn’t rain at all this season and I forgot to water them one day? What if the deer get to the veggies? What if the weeds take over? WHAT IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I don’t really know what I’m doing anyway. Isn’t there a science to this? How much space do we need between each plant? Which direction do the rows need to go in? How do we know if the soil is healthy? What else do I not know?
I was beginning to feel completely inadequate in gardening. I hadn’t even begun.
Do you ever feel like this when starting something new?
If so, I invite you to reflect with me.
How can we practice being brave in the act of letting go of control? How can we not only have Faith in God; but also have Faith in ourselves? Can we believe in ourselves, in our abilities to tend to our hopes and desires? Can we plant new seeds and trust in our caretaking skills? Can we believe that we are CAPABLE, POWERFUL and WORTHY of blooming?
Can we be patient enough in the struggle as we push up through the soil? And then take time to celebrate our strength, our resiliency and our new growth before moving on to the next season of life?
The answer, of course, is YES. You know it and I know it.
But every time we are faced with fear of the unknown we have an opportunity to plant more seeds. It’s a lifelong practice. We must remember though, that we can’t reap the benefits of seeds we don’t sow.
So let’s encourage each other to take action and get our seeds in the ground.
May the promise of new growth outweigh our fear of stumbling.
Wednesday, February 10, 2021
Living Yoga with a Newborn, Toddler and Cabin Fever during the Global Pandemic
Hello everyone,
What is going on? How is life? How are you?
It's been over 4 weeks since we left the house. We drove to Hot Springs with the kids just so I could quickly run into the Dollar Store to grab some diapers and a frozen pizza. YOUR GIRL JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT. It had been weeks since I left the house and that was for Indie's newborn check-up appointment! So all in all, I've been out of the house 3 times in the past 6 weeks (2 of those trips being the birth center). This can't be good. Even for a highly introverted homebody like myself. I'm not sure what comes after having Cabin Fever, but rest assured - I'm about to find out.
Things are getting weird, but in a weird good way. The highs and lows of having a newborn seem to be even more extreme. I cry and sulk one day and the next I'm up dancing around the house. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm doing it with grace. You wanna know how? YOGA.
In tantra yoga we talk about making your mess holy. We talk about holy paradoxes and how to find the calm in the chaos. It's a lot of balancing opposing forces. Or shall we say CONNECTING forces. The yoga that I practice is about exploring the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine at the intersection of self criticism and self love. Oh, yes, there is a meeting point. It's called pain or discomfort or unhappiness.
I hear you . . . but whatever does that mean? What does it have to do with staying sane during these unprecedented times??
Well, people ask me: How are you surviving . . . how are you holding up? What's it like living with a newborn and a toddler . . . during a pandemic . . . in the woods?? Well, it's very quite simple - with lots of laughter and crying. See, ya gotta have both sides of the coin. :) But really . . .
Let's balance out the prolonged confinement with feelings of freedom and creativity. For us, that looks like wearing as little clothing as we want, writing and indulging in chocolate. (Then perhaps we balance out the sweets with some greens.) Let's meet our fiery rage with a soothing bath. See . .. simple, right?
No, not always. It takes practice to walk the Earth with a steady spirit. Lord, knows I'm no zen master. However, I am way more zen about life than I used to be.
Let's go a bit deeper. You've got time right?
Here's a story from earlier this week.
Damn it. I'm still ten pounds away from my pre-baby weight. I tell myself that it's time to detox. It's time to be diligent about your diet and exercise, Amber. You are 6 weeks past giving birth. Time to BOUNCE BACK. Every time I step on the scale or try to squeeze myself into my jeans I notice "the voice" bubbling up, disgusted with my squishy belly. I even have a name for her: ED. Yep, short for Eating Disorder. ED became my best bud in high school. We don't talk much anymore due to a major falling out. (it was time to go our separate ways) But sometimes ED likes to pop back up in my life, much like an ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be forgotten. So I just listen to her and later engage when I'm on my mat.
During my practice I pay attention. I try to go slow to notice all of these different voices, these different parts of myself that fight for my attention. (ED included . . . bless her, she just wants control)
I'm so used to going fast, it's hard to slow down, but I try.
I begin in standing position, aligning my body in Mountain Pose. It feels good to be standing tall. I sense my confidence growing just by rolling my shoulders back and down. I pause for just a breath. This is the part where I'm supposed to set an intention, but all I can muster is feeling grateful for the opportunity to show up. It's enough.
I start to flow.
Raising my arms high above my head and folding over my legs, the voices start chattering. (Wow, that didn't take long.)
My heart starts to race and my nerves get all frazzled as I notice my body wanting to move faster than the rest of me. I was already feeling the disconnection.
My mind gets frustrated and chooses to go elsewhere. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here . . it's too painful, too uncomfortable. So it goes where it always goes - to the kids, to the dishes, to the never ending to-do list. All of that mind wandering eventually leads its way to self sabotage.
I continue to flow through my sun salutations. I've done them for years, so it's easy for my body to go auto pilot, while my mind parades about attempting to find something to busy itself with.
Lingering in Downward Facing Dog was my bodiy's way of letting my mind settle. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know that taking time to breathe in this pose was less about stretching out my hamstrings and more about letting my mind catch up.
Linking the breath with the movements I start to feel connected again, but the emotions are still present. My mind isn't wandering. She's present. She's just focused on convincing me about how I'm doing it all wrong and how I still have so far to go since giving birth, especially if I want to be the best, the most flexible, the most tranquil, rooted, grounded, most inspired person ever. (Geeeze, give it a break will ya)
Feelings of shame and inadequacy surface as I lift my leg into the air to come into Warrior I. My mind says it's not high enough, I need to lift my leg higher. I feel fear thinking that I'm doing it all wrong. Questioning myself. Am I supposed to be pointing or flexing my toes at this point??
The self doubt grows as I stretch out my arms into Warrior II. I feel so far away from being a warrior, but I try anyway. I take the biggest inhale I can possibly take and try to conjure up as much warrior energy as I could. I'm praying the voices of self-doubt will calm down. An image of Disney's cartoon character, Mulan appears in my mind. I cling on to it. I think of giving birth. . . . twice. I think of starting my own business. I think of hiking the Appalachian Trail. I think of that one time I had that really hard conversation. I think of living through divorce and losing it all.
For a moment, I feel strong. The same way I did in the beginning when I was standing in Mountain Pose.
At this point, I want to quit. The practice doesn't feel complete, but I feel ok. I've only been on my mat for maybe 10 minutes and already I've battled a wandering mind, feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-hatred and voices of self-doubt. Isn't that enough for a day??
Maybe. Maybe, it is.
I step off the mat and walk towards my baby. She's awake, but satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs to check on my toddler. He's playing with his trucks. All is well. All is ok. I can check yoga off my to do list that I was so concerned with, but I don't.
You want to know why? Because my mind said it wasn't good enough. And that my friends, is where my healing work continues and my yoga goes root deep. Even though I know that any amount of yoga is more than good enough, there is a part of me that says otherwise. (and it's not ED) This one is called . . .
Perfectionism.
This little booger really keeps me from living the good life.
Perfectionsism does not like to rest. It's all work and no play. Perfectionism says there is always work to do. No time for rest and there is absolutely no time for play. Unless you can make your play productive . .. then we can talk. Perfectionism ALWAYS has the same response: "eh, could be better."
I'm cringing. Are you?
So here I am. It's been well over 24 hours since this yoga session and yet I could argue that I'm still in it. I'm not on my mat. Heck, I'm sitting at a messy desk with a baby strapped to me. BUT, I'm doing my yoga.
I'm working out allllllll of those feelings I experienced on the mat. I'm processing. I'm responding. I'm rewiring my system in order to open the channels for the Love to flow through. The Love that brings the Grace and Self-Compassion. That's when the mind, body and soul are connected. You know the feeling. When you feel free of any distracting thought. When you are present and when you have the capacity to love and be Loved. OOOooof . . . cold chills, anyone?
Let's wrap this up.
I'm sharing all of this because: CONNECTION, Joy, Healing.
We are in need of it. I need it and I know those around me are in search of it too. It's what we are here to do.
Yes, we are in a global pandemic, but we needed this work long before. Thankfully, it is pushing this work into the forefront. Yoga works for me. But maybe something else helps you connect to the Love. Reading the Bible, pulling a Tarot card, Dance, or whatever it is I hope you take the time to engage, to connect, to open and to heal.
I'm going to go put on some lipstick and pretend I'm going to a coffee shop. Hey, daydreaming is sacred.
Love you!
AA
Wednesday, January 27, 2021
The Birth Story of Indie Oaks
Dear Indie,
It’s 9:45 am on a Thursday in January. You are 3 weeks old and I've been attempting to string some words together to tell your birth story. It was such an event! I was only in active labor for four hours but the whole process leading up to the moment you were in my arms was quite frankly, dramatic and intense. So intense that my labor completely stalled for a whole day due to emotional stress!
Sweet girl, one day you may experience giving birth and I hope that I am right beside you every step of the way like Daddy and Grammie were for me. It is one wild ride and guess what. All you really have to do is relax and enjoy it for the most part. Then towards the end, it's some work, but I know you will be strong and I know you will believe in yourself and your body. I know, because I’m going to teach you. I will teach you how to trust yourself and breathe properly and have faith that everything is going to be ok.
Indie, we welcomed you during a beautiful snowy, white Christmas weekend. Everything was glistening as the sun beamed down upon us. I was basking in the beauty and gratitude as we drove home with you and River in the backseat. I just kept saying to everyone that congratulated us, “I’m so glad she is here.” I am. I am so insanely happy you are here beside me, making your little grunting noises and looking at the world with your big wandering eyes.
On May 1st, 2020 I discovered that I was pregnant with you.
Did you know that Beltane is on May 1st? A day symbolizing fertility and the unity of male and female energies to create new life . Scotland and Ireland observe it as a special holiday by celebrating with a big fire festival. You have scott-irish blood! How cool is that!?
I was a little in shock because we weren’t “trying” to get pregnant but you really wanted to be part of the family and grow up with River. We accepted this and started getting ready for you! Grammie and I went and bought you new clothes, blankets and other goodies so that it would really feel like home to you. I think Daddy was the most excited. He really wanted a little girl and has been working around the clock to provide for you and our family. He has plans to make you your own room very soon! I found some floral wallpaper that I think you will love. When you get a little older, you will be able to decorate it however you want. It will be your sacred space.
During the time you were in my belly, I was really sick . . . a lot. You wouldn’t let me eat pizza or drink soda water (two of my favorite things). You wouldn’t let me take a bath or sleep on my right side. You were very active in the womb, constantly kicking and stretching. You are already so strong from those exercises! You love lifting your head up and trying to stand already!
So yes, being pregnant with you wasn’t all that fun. We were also in a global pandemic! So I couldn’t see my friends. It was hard, but we got through it.
Towards the end, I was very ready to meet you. I thought you might have been coming around Thanksgiving because my contractions started getting stronger and you seemed to be moving down instead of sitting up in my chest! I had to pee all the time because you were sitting on my bladder!
It was on Christmas Eve when you started to make your descent into the birth canal.
You heard all of us celebrating and you just couldn’t wait. You were ready to meet your family! So as soon as we said bye to Grammie, Pappy, Aunt sis, Body, Uncle Tuck and Uncle J, you pretty much said “wait ya’ll I’m coming!”
I felt my belly tightening every 10 minutes! I gave the family a big hug and as they walked out the door, my smile grew bigger as I blurted out "see ya in a couple days!" I knew I was going to hold you soon. I went upstairs to finish wrapping Maya Moon’s gift before we left for Grandma-ma and Pappa D’s house and felt my belly tighten with more contractions, one after the other! I knew it was time. So me and Daddy got our bags packed and prepared to go to the Birth Center.
On our way to town, we figured out where River was going to go because he couldn’t be with us. We had plans for him to stay with Grammie and Pappy at our house but they got stuck driving in the snow! So we dropped him off to spend the night with Maya Moon.
I felt my belly tightening every 10 minutes! I gave the family a big hug and as they walked out the door, my smile grew bigger as I blurted out "see ya in a couple days!" I knew I was going to hold you soon. I went upstairs to finish wrapping Maya Moon’s gift before we left for Grandma-ma and Pappa D’s house and felt my belly tighten with more contractions, one after the other! I knew it was time. So me and Daddy got our bags packed and prepared to go to the Birth Center.
On our way to town, we figured out where River was going to go because he couldn’t be with us. We had plans for him to stay with Grammie and Pappy at our house but they got stuck driving in the snow! So we dropped him off to spend the night with Maya Moon.
This was our first night without your brother. I didn’t realize how sad it would make me. I didn’t like leaving him, but we had to. Daddy and I get in the car and started driving to the Birth Center so we could meet you!
But there was a problem . . .
The snow was coming down fast and hard! It was like a blizzard! The roads were covered and everyone was driving really slow so they could be safe. I was scared we weren’t going to make it! And you know what happens when a birthing woman is scared? Labor stops. Yep. My labor started slowing down when we were in the car and by the time we got to the Birth Center, my contractions completely stopped!!
We tried all sorts of things to try to induce labor again. I was doing laps around the room, lots of lunges and circling around on a big giant yoga ball. Daddy helped, too. He put a big giant scarf around my belly and tried to shimmy you around. Nothing seemed to help. I think you needed rest after the big stressful drive. I think I needed rest, too.
I was so sad. I was sad to be away from your brother and I was sad that the nurse and the midwife that drove out to help us were away from their families on Christmas and I was sad because we weren’t going to meet you (yet).
We were stuck
We had to stay the night at the Birth Center so we could leave safely in the morning when the roads were clear.
My sweet girl, just remember, not everything goes according to plan during birth . . . or in life. We can’t control everything. We must learn to go with the flow and trust in the Mystery.
The next morning we wake up and drive to get River. We were so excited to go home and spend Christmas together. We had gifts under the tree and banana bread to eat! But we ran into another problem . . . we couldn’t go home! Our mountain roads still had lots of snow on them. So we waited and waited for the snow plows to clear the roads, but they never came. During all of this waiting in the car, River was getting cranky, I was getting hungry and we ran out of diapers. And guess what . . . No stores were open! Not even Walmart!
So we went back to Grandma-ma’s and Pappa D’s and on the way there we decided to stay the night because I was afraid the roads would get bad again overnight and we wouldn’t be able to make it to the birth center if you decided to come again!
While Daddy and River played in the snow, I rested the whole day and I prayed that you would wait a little bit longer, because I really needed to recover from all the chaos and you did.
We finally made it home the next day and celebrated Christmas together.
Daddy and River played outside some more while I repacked our bags. During dinner, the contractions started happening again and I looked at Daddy like “uh oh . . . she could be coming tonight.” Then, “BAM” my water erupted! I screamed because for a split second I didn’t know what had happened. I thought someone had punched me in the vagina! But . . oh no . . wait … . I’m all wet! My water broke!
Chaos ensues.
Daddy gets panicky (which is strange because he never does)! River is scared and senses our stress. I’m trying to talk to the midwife and explain to her that “YES, I’m one thousand percent sure my water just broke”. As much as we had prepared, we still felt like we weren’t ready. BUT YOU WERE!
After running around like chickens with our heads cut off, we finally get in the car and start driving to the Birth Center. It’s dark and there is still so much snow on the ground. Luckily, Daddy is a great driver and got us to the Birth Center safely and quickly!
It’s a little blurry from here. One day, you might understand first hand how this part of the journey gets fuzzy. You have to focus with all of your might on your breathing. You have to get super connected with your body. Nothing else matters. You just take it breathe by breathe.
I was so grateful to have Daddy and the Birth Center team there holding space for me. They encouraged me the whole way through and made me feel safe and like I was doing exactly what I needed to do.
Just a few more hours and we would be laying in bed together!
I labored in the shower on my hands and knees for about an hour. The intensity was so strong and my body was working so hard. My knees started to go numb and my inner thighs were aching. I could barely stand up when we started to move to the birth pool. I leaned on Daddy and the nurses as they helped me get into the water.
Ahhhh. . . the water felt so good. I could hear the midwife and nurse gathering supplies to catch you. “Wow, “ I thought, we are almost to the pushing phase. I made all kinds of animal noises. I howled and growled and moaned. One day, I will teach you about how opening your throat and jaw helps to open your pelvis! Your body is so cool.
So the wider I could open my mouth and the deeper I could get my voice to go, the easier it was to help you move down. We were working together. I moved into low lunges and deep squats and once I flipped around I felt ready to push. But I couldn’t get grounded in the water. My body just kept floating to the top. So we moved to the bed, which is where I birthed River!
Daddy was behind, holding my hand and cheering us on the whole time. I pushed for only twenty four minutes! (River took two hours!) At the very end, I felt defeated. I was exhausted. Depleted and like I had given it my all. Your head was half way out. All I needed was one more big push, one more big roar. I heard the nurse say “you have to do this. Do this for your baby.” And that’s all it took to unlock my fear. I gave all that I didn’t even have left to give and you were born. (that’s motherhood) Conjuring up energy when you have none.
Once I felt you on my chest, all was right in the world. I was full of gratitude and love and euphoria. Nothing compares to birth. Nothing.
-Mama
Monday, January 25, 2021
Postpartum Day 28 Vlog
Hey, we’re doing ok 🍯 real talk about our life at 4 weeks #postpartum. And a story about a bird that reminded me I’m not alone... also extending an invitation to join me in trying to find ✨steadiness & ease✨ during this challenging time. Love you! Here to spread hope. Thanks for walking with me. 🕊 #postpartum #motherhood #yogaeverydamnday #birdfriends
Wednesday, January 13, 2021
Postpartum Day 16
Sharing some stuff from 16 days postpartum.
This is our life and I bet it looks a lot like other families’. It’s my second baby and I’m still struggling with this whole “being a mom isn’t enough” narrative, ahem LIE. Even though I know it’s bullshit, the story runs deep. So I’m putting this out there to try to help change that narrative. Mothering is a high calling. It requires everything and more. So stop feeling guilty for wanting a day off, stop beating yourself up for not “being productive” or for not crushing your to-do list. Holding your baby on the couch while she sleeps is more than enough. Eating lunch and soaking your vagina 2 weeks after birth is not only acceptable, it’s essential. This sacred period does not last for forever... soak in it. Nurse, Bond, Sleep, Eat, play with your toddler, give your husband a kiss. And for heavens sake, allow yourself to recover. ❤️ amber
(Words to myself but if they help you, by all means, take them)
Monday, January 11, 2021
My Postpartum Body
This is my body 4 days after giving birth. Round, swollen, bleeding, tender, healing, transforming.
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It was New Years day and I couldn’t help but take a little video of myself massaging oil on my squishy postpartum belly. It was a big moment for me because I had just stepped on the scale, (gasp, not the scale!) looked in the mirror & felt nothing but gratitude for my body. This was a big change in attitude for me. It was a New Year & new Amber.✨
This body and I have been on a journey. Actually, my whole life has been akin to one big war: Amber verses her own body. Sounds sad and dramatic but the reality is that many women my age have the same story. (where my soul sisters at?) I hated this body for a long, long time. And that hate seeped into every area of my life- destroying relationships, dreams and who knows what else. My body wasn’t thin enough or tall enough or smooth enough or strong enough . . . the list goes on, but I don’t think we need to go down that rabbit hole today. I’ll save the body dysmorphia, obsession and eating disorder stories for another time.
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What I am here to say today is I LOVE MY BODY. I CELEBRATE MY BODY. I am AMAZED at this body. This body carried, grew, nourished and birthed not one but TWO healthy babies!!! 💛 Our relationship has been rocky, dark and painful. So much hatred and self sabotage ultimately brought me to the bottom of the ocean. There I met the Divine, Mother Earth, the Feminine, my true essence. Years of healing and cultivating a loving relationship with my body led me down the most amazing path- becoming a wife to my favorite person and a woman who would rather channel wolf energy to be able to howl and growl her babies into the world instead of help from modern medicine. A woman who trusts in the mystery.
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Tonight, I am cozy in our den with my two babes and I’m in awe of how we got here. This life, this human journey is just so beautiful. Maybe it’s the postpartum hormones, but I just well up with tears thinking about all the transformation I’ve experienced. All the growth my soul has gone through. I look forward to the journey ahead with Faith, Gratitude, Humbleness & newfound Strength.
Thank you, friends, for seeing me in my fullness, radiance and beauty. Thank you for reflecting this back to me over and over again. Especially my husband- He is such a light in my life. I am so happy to have people in my life who illuminate truth.
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Gahhhhh now I’m rambling. Gotta go take care of the kids!
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I love you. Talk soon.
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May you trust in your body. May Love lead you all over the map and through a wide range of emotions that teach you about your own innate wisdom and power within! 🙏 So much love, Amber #postpartumbody #fourthtrimester#motherhood #bodylove#womanhood #riteofpassage
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Gahhhhh now I’m rambling. Gotta go take care of the kids!
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I love you. Talk soon.
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May you trust in your body. May Love lead you all over the map and through a wide range of emotions that teach you about your own innate wisdom and power within! 🙏 So much love, Amber #postpartumbody #fourthtrimester#motherhood #bodylove#womanhood #riteofpassage
Friday, January 8, 2021
Postpartum Day 10 Vlog
💘 Postpartum Thoughts 💘 Lots of thoughts from my last 10 days postpartum. Kinda preachy, def. rambley, all raw truth. 🥰Hoping it will resonate with someone. ❤️ If I had the energy to re-record, I’d substitute the word “crazy” for “wild”. So just keep that in mind. Words matter- birth isn’t so much “crazy” as it is “wild.” A shaman once told me I use the word “crazy” too much... Haha... now i know I do... whoops. 🤪Ok . Thanks shaman! Ok. Enjoy listening to a little of our story. Birth story still to come. 💓💓💓 take care & love on your mamas!! 🙏#motherhood #postpartum #soulchat
Monday, December 28, 2020
Welcome, Indie Oaks
INDIE OAKS NIVEN
We brought our sweet little girl into the world during a Christmas snowstorm! Born on December 27th at the WNC Birth Center in Asheville, North Carolina. I can’t wait to sit down and write about your wild journey into this big, beautiful world.
12.27.2020 1:09am 8.15 lbs 20.5 inches
Thursday, December 10, 2020
Soul Chat: CAVE DAYS
Hi dear ones,
I'm popping out of my cave to say "hello" and that I hope you are doing well! Although I am in hermit mode, I am still thinking about you and praying for you, my golden threads!
There is a New Moon approaching, along with a Solar Eclipse AND Winter Solstice is right around the corner! Phew, who has time to think about Christmas when so much is happening with the current astrology. Ha, Ha. Just kidding. I'm kind of a Christmas nerd. There is always time for Christmas in my house. We put our tree up a few nights ago. All of the bottom ornaments keep disappearing, because River thinks it's hilarious to take them off just so he can watch me put them back on. I thought my days of half decorated trees were over when our cat, Happy, grew out of his kitten phase . . . Oh, well. . . 'tis the season.
I made this little video last night due to a spontaneous burst of energy that I'm guessing was generated from the same hormones that have me running around organizing every little nook- the "nesting" is real! Anyway, it's just a short little update from my cave, as well as, a loving, invitation for you to go inward, too. <3
I mean we live in such a pressure-filled, production-focused world. We gotta take time to slow down and rest. Ya'll, these cave days have been EVERYTHING. I feel grounded, less anxious, well-rested and super focused. But I know what you are thinking. When is there ever a time to slow down?? And rest? Ha! What is that? I know. I know. The guilt for going against the collective norm is REAL. It doesn't seem possible. UNTIL, you figure out how to just freaking do it. Even in a small way such as breaking away from Social Media or un-consuming from all the spam in your inbox. Or how about saying "no" to some social obligations. (which honestly should be pretty easy right now) If this pandemic has gifted us with anything good, it's the fact that we have an excuse to sloooooooow down. To stop doing so much. Stop trying to be in a thousand different places. Stop trying to accomplish fifty things before the next week.
Let's take a cue from Nature, and get cozy in our dens. Slow down, sleep longer and tune in. As in: TUNE INWARDS. Take time for yourself to listen to your own thoughts and feelings and adjust your life accordingly. This is our time. As women, it's time for us to separate from value systems that aren't serving us. It's time to honor our own feelings and to find home within our own true Self. Please, I urge you to take this time to re-connect with yourSelf. Turn the dial down on the outside world. Get into your body. Root into your own Spirit. Dive into the beautiful, intuitive Self that is waiting for you. Cry the tears. Feel the sadness. Let the Anger transmute into Passion. All of those feelings that we bottle up and push down so well . . . FEEL them. They are our greatest gift. They are our guide.
More on: Cave Days
Cave Days are not just about disconnecting. They are about re-focusing. They are about re-connecting with ourselves. It can be as simple as a mental shift. What is truly necessary in your life? Cave Days are about living simply and living wholly. Stripping away everything that you don't need and re-focusing on things that nourish you. Like good sleep, clean foods, warm baths and family dinners. Cave Days can break habitual patterns like always checking your phone in bed or reaching for more sugar to sooth your stress or always over committing yourself from having weak boundaries.
The still, cold, quiet winter season affords us the space to get clear about the next chapter of our lives. As long as we cut out the noise, rest, reset and listen with our hearts open. We are who we've been waiting for. Here's to retreating to our personal caves, whatever that may look like and getting clear on what needs to shift and change in our lives. Here's to being strong women who intentionally choose to live mindful and passionate lives! Here's to showing up with a full glass. Here's to living into our fullness and to being ALIVE and well.
I love each and every one of you. As I get closer and closer to bringing my daughter into the world, I can't help but get all teary eyed about the simple fact of what it is like being a woman in today's world. It's a lot. But I have so much hope for her generation. Well . . . and ours! We have come so far and I am grateful to be on the journey with you.
As always, thanks for walking with me.
Love, Amber
PS: I'd love to hear from you! Let me know what's up in your life. Are you in a cave? Have you put up a tree? Are you feeling Christmas anxiety? What's up?
Thursday, December 3, 2020
Yoga Pose Spotlight: Mountain Pose (Tadasana)
Tadasana or Mountain Pose is considered a basic standing pose and is safe for beginners.
Tadasana is part of the Family of Foundational Yoga Poses, a collection of poses that act as the essential building blocks of a strong physical practice. Foundational poses are used to build upon and are effective prep and counterpose to many other asanas. They help us become more aware of habitual patterns of asymmetry in our bodies. They teach symmetry and are strengthening and stabilizing.
How To: Mountain Pose⛰
- Begin at the top of your mat in a natural stance, feet slightly apart.
- Hips are stacked above feet. Heart over hips.
- Now start to ground down from the bottom of your feet by pressing into the four corners of each foot. Try lifting your toes and rooting through the 4 corners (the ball joint under the big toe, the ball joint under the pinky toe, and the 2 corners of the back heel.) Once you are fully planted, lower your toes to the ground.
- Draw the energy upward by lifting the calf muscles, knee caps, engaging the quads, and engaging the core.
- Rotate your inner thighs back, spreading your sitting bones and dropping your tailbone toward your heels. This lengthens your lower back and lifts the front of your pelvis slightly. (Be sure to maintain the natural curve of the spine)
- Find length in the spine as the lowest part of your abdomen lifts and engages and your tailbone roots.
- Lift and broaden your chest by drawing your shoulders back and your shoulder blades down. (roll them up and down)
- Palms are facing the front of the mat. Fingers are relaxed
- We are giving equal attention to rooting and rising.
- Lift through the crown of the head, keep gaze level and soft. Chin draws back toward the base of the spine.
- Breathe deep.
- To exit the pose: Relax your arms and legs and stand with a neutral spine.
Benefits ☺
- Promotes safe, healthy alignment of the body and its flow of energy
- Creates balance and body awareness
- Improves posture by restoring natural alignment and adaptability in feet
- Strengthens feet and ankles
- Alleviates fatigue
Energetics ☽☉☾
- Grounding
- Centering - pulls scattered energy in
- Lengthening
- Stabilizing
꩜ Balances Chakras 1 - 7
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
"Bringing Yoga to Life" Reflections
Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi was inspiring, informative and the perfect companion as I began my Yoga Teacher Training. Although, it took me a bit longer to read, I enjoyed the slow pace as it allowed me to really sink my teeth into the words and digest the content. I underlined many passages and dog-eared several pages.
I resonated with so much of what Donna speaks about; however I appreciated the “Yoga as a Life Practice” chapter the most. Being pregnant and raising a toddler, I am forced to experience my yoga practice in a new way. I no longer have the ability to practice for long periods of time at the same time everyday. In a lot of ways my mothering has become my practice. I love how she talks about how life gives us opportunities to stay centered and to “let the task or the distraction become your practice.” She states clearly that “we can draw no definitie line between formal practice and everyday life.” That being said, I understand that formal practice is important and am aware of the peace that comes from this form of devotion. I just love that Donna points out that Yoga goes beyond that mat.
"when we choose to stay with our practice despite the inevitable highs and lows in our lives, we are actively choosing to focus our awareness on that part of us that is unchanging." - D. Farhi
I also really enjoyed the chapter on discipline as this is something I am always trying to cultivate in my life. Donna says, “when we choose to stay with our practice despite the inevitable highs and lows in our lives, we are actively choosing to focus our awareness on that part of us that is unchanging.” As someone who is ruled by her emotions, this chapter and the chapter titled “the Riptide of Strong Emotions” were both inspiring and encouraging to me. I believe somewhere Donna says: “practice anyway”. That was my mantra that best connected me with my intention throughout this Yoga Training. I may feel uninspired, frustrated, distracted, depressed but I tell myself to practice anyway- in whatever capacity. I made it a goal to get on my mat even if it was just to sit for five minutes and check in.
I often wonder why it is so hard to do the things we know will bring us happiness, health, wealth, etc. Why are we so resistant to devoting ourselves to the things that we know will be good for us? Well, Donna does a great job at explaining why that resistance sticks around. She says in the chapter of “The Freedom of Discipline”, that “resistance to practice occurs when we have not yet formed a clear intention. Until we form a clear intention, we cannot rally our energy and align with our goal.”
On day one of this training, Kelsey asked us to form our intention, or rather let our intention arise during our meditation. I had already given this some thought and made notes about it in my training manual. There were lots of goals and aspirations- things like, “to dive deeper into my curiosity of yoga, to connect with others on the same path, to learn what I needed to be a teacher, to gain confidence, to be a guide, to serve, to embody a strong, steady and peaceful spirit.” Then during the meditation the word: “becoming” came to me and I knew that this is why I was here. To become the true version of myself, to continue the work of untangling the limits and lies and conditioning. To become the vision I hold for myself. To become united in body, mind and soul. To become the teacher and the student.
So daily I remind myself, to practice anyway and trust in the process of becoming. My yoga practice is evolving just as life itself is.
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Life Update: I'm Going Inward
𓊓 I’m retreating to the cave. 𓊓
I’m getting cozy in my inner sanctuary this lunar cycle. Pressing pause on social media and other external content like podcasts and blogs because my mind is NOISY. I’m choosing to prioritize deep rest and play. Focusing on CREATING art- doing the soul work that doesn’t happen on here. CONSUMING LESS and taking time to integrate everything that 2020 has taught me. Wow. We all have so much to digest, right??
This upcoming New Moon has been an invitation that I can’t ignore. An invitation to reset, reassess my path and connect with the wisdom within. To meet the muse, the wise woman, the wild woman. To strip everything down to bare bones like the naked trees outside my window. To go underground and tend to the sacred seeds I planted in April. To spend more time cuddling with River, loving Josh, baking pies, writing the hard stuff, writing thank you letters, finishing poems, traveling the realms, immersing myself in my Yoga practice, tightening my circle, preparing for birth, taking baths, nesting, reading, listening, reflecting and taking good care. 💛
Sunday, November 1, 2020
We got married!
I'm officially a Niven! We tied the knot under the Full Halloween Moon.
Here are some snapshots from the event. It was so sweet and special. Since we are in the midst of a pandemic, we kept the guest list small but luckily there is Zoom . . . so there's that.
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