Just trying to do my part
Of using my creative gifts
To help give our world a vibrational lift.
in healing
Wednesday, February 10, 2021
Living Yoga with a Newborn, Toddler and Cabin Fever during the Global Pandemic
Hello everyone,
What is going on? How is life? How are you?
It's been over 4 weeks since we left the house. We drove to Hot Springs with the kids just so I could quickly run into the Dollar Store to grab some diapers and a frozen pizza. YOUR GIRL JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT. It had been weeks since I left the house and that was for Indie's newborn check-up appointment! So all in all, I've been out of the house 3 times in the past 6 weeks (2 of those trips being the birth center). This can't be good. Even for a highly introverted homebody like myself. I'm not sure what comes after having Cabin Fever, but rest assured - I'm about to find out.
Things are getting weird, but in a weird good way. The highs and lows of having a newborn seem to be even more extreme. I cry and sulk one day and the next I'm up dancing around the house. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm doing it with grace. You wanna know how? YOGA.
In tantra yoga we talk about making your mess holy. We talk about holy paradoxes and how to find the calm in the chaos. It's a lot of balancing opposing forces. Or shall we say CONNECTING forces. The yoga that I practice is about exploring the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine at the intersection of self criticism and self love. Oh, yes, there is a meeting point. It's called pain or discomfort or unhappiness.
I hear you . . . but whatever does that mean? What does it have to do with staying sane during these unprecedented times??
Well, people ask me: How are you surviving . . . how are you holding up? What's it like living with a newborn and a toddler . . . during a pandemic . . . in the woods?? Well, it's very quite simple - with lots of laughter and crying. See, ya gotta have both sides of the coin. :) But really . . .
Let's balance out the prolonged confinement with feelings of freedom and creativity. For us, that looks like wearing as little clothing as we want, writing and indulging in chocolate. (Then perhaps we balance out the sweets with some greens.) Let's meet our fiery rage with a soothing bath. See . .. simple, right?
No, not always. It takes practice to walk the Earth with a steady spirit. Lord, knows I'm no zen master. However, I am way more zen about life than I used to be.
Let's go a bit deeper. You've got time right?
Here's a story from earlier this week.
Damn it. I'm still ten pounds away from my pre-baby weight. I tell myself that it's time to detox. It's time to be diligent about your diet and exercise, Amber. You are 6 weeks past giving birth. Time to BOUNCE BACK. Every time I step on the scale or try to squeeze myself into my jeans I notice "the voice" bubbling up, disgusted with my squishy belly. I even have a name for her: ED. Yep, short for Eating Disorder. ED became my best bud in high school. We don't talk much anymore due to a major falling out. (it was time to go our separate ways) But sometimes ED likes to pop back up in my life, much like an ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be forgotten. So I just listen to her and later engage when I'm on my mat.
During my practice I pay attention. I try to go slow to notice all of these different voices, these different parts of myself that fight for my attention. (ED included . . . bless her, she just wants control)
I'm so used to going fast, it's hard to slow down, but I try.
I begin in standing position, aligning my body in Mountain Pose. It feels good to be standing tall. I sense my confidence growing just by rolling my shoulders back and down. I pause for just a breath. This is the part where I'm supposed to set an intention, but all I can muster is feeling grateful for the opportunity to show up. It's enough.
I start to flow.
Raising my arms high above my head and folding over my legs, the voices start chattering. (Wow, that didn't take long.)
My heart starts to race and my nerves get all frazzled as I notice my body wanting to move faster than the rest of me. I was already feeling the disconnection.
My mind gets frustrated and chooses to go elsewhere. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here . . it's too painful, too uncomfortable. So it goes where it always goes - to the kids, to the dishes, to the never ending to-do list. All of that mind wandering eventually leads its way to self sabotage.
I continue to flow through my sun salutations. I've done them for years, so it's easy for my body to go auto pilot, while my mind parades about attempting to find something to busy itself with.
Lingering in Downward Facing Dog was my bodiy's way of letting my mind settle. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know that taking time to breathe in this pose was less about stretching out my hamstrings and more about letting my mind catch up.
Linking the breath with the movements I start to feel connected again, but the emotions are still present. My mind isn't wandering. She's present. She's just focused on convincing me about how I'm doing it all wrong and how I still have so far to go since giving birth, especially if I want to be the best, the most flexible, the most tranquil, rooted, grounded, most inspired person ever. (Geeeze, give it a break will ya)
Feelings of shame and inadequacy surface as I lift my leg into the air to come into Warrior I. My mind says it's not high enough, I need to lift my leg higher. I feel fear thinking that I'm doing it all wrong. Questioning myself. Am I supposed to be pointing or flexing my toes at this point??
The self doubt grows as I stretch out my arms into Warrior II. I feel so far away from being a warrior, but I try anyway. I take the biggest inhale I can possibly take and try to conjure up as much warrior energy as I could. I'm praying the voices of self-doubt will calm down. An image of Disney's cartoon character, Mulan appears in my mind. I cling on to it. I think of giving birth. . . . twice. I think of starting my own business. I think of hiking the Appalachian Trail. I think of that one time I had that really hard conversation. I think of living through divorce and losing it all.
For a moment, I feel strong. The same way I did in the beginning when I was standing in Mountain Pose.
At this point, I want to quit. The practice doesn't feel complete, but I feel ok. I've only been on my mat for maybe 10 minutes and already I've battled a wandering mind, feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-hatred and voices of self-doubt. Isn't that enough for a day??
Maybe. Maybe, it is.
I step off the mat and walk towards my baby. She's awake, but satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs to check on my toddler. He's playing with his trucks. All is well. All is ok. I can check yoga off my to do list that I was so concerned with, but I don't.
You want to know why? Because my mind said it wasn't good enough. And that my friends, is where my healing work continues and my yoga goes root deep. Even though I know that any amount of yoga is more than good enough, there is a part of me that says otherwise. (and it's not ED) This one is called . . .
Perfectionism.
This little booger really keeps me from living the good life.
Perfectionsism does not like to rest. It's all work and no play. Perfectionism says there is always work to do. No time for rest and there is absolutely no time for play. Unless you can make your play productive . .. then we can talk. Perfectionism ALWAYS has the same response: "eh, could be better."
I'm cringing. Are you?
So here I am. It's been well over 24 hours since this yoga session and yet I could argue that I'm still in it. I'm not on my mat. Heck, I'm sitting at a messy desk with a baby strapped to me. BUT, I'm doing my yoga.
I'm working out allllllll of those feelings I experienced on the mat. I'm processing. I'm responding. I'm rewiring my system in order to open the channels for the Love to flow through. The Love that brings the Grace and Self-Compassion. That's when the mind, body and soul are connected. You know the feeling. When you feel free of any distracting thought. When you are present and when you have the capacity to love and be Loved. OOOooof . . . cold chills, anyone?
Let's wrap this up.
I'm sharing all of this because: CONNECTION, Joy, Healing.
We are in need of it. I need it and I know those around me are in search of it too. It's what we are here to do.
Yes, we are in a global pandemic, but we needed this work long before. Thankfully, it is pushing this work into the forefront. Yoga works for me. But maybe something else helps you connect to the Love. Reading the Bible, pulling a Tarot card, Dance, or whatever it is I hope you take the time to engage, to connect, to open and to heal.
I'm going to go put on some lipstick and pretend I'm going to a coffee shop. Hey, daydreaming is sacred.
Love you!
AA
Thursday, December 10, 2020
Soul Chat: CAVE DAYS
Hi dear ones,
I'm popping out of my cave to say "hello" and that I hope you are doing well! Although I am in hermit mode, I am still thinking about you and praying for you, my golden threads!
There is a New Moon approaching, along with a Solar Eclipse AND Winter Solstice is right around the corner! Phew, who has time to think about Christmas when so much is happening with the current astrology. Ha, Ha. Just kidding. I'm kind of a Christmas nerd. There is always time for Christmas in my house. We put our tree up a few nights ago. All of the bottom ornaments keep disappearing, because River thinks it's hilarious to take them off just so he can watch me put them back on. I thought my days of half decorated trees were over when our cat, Happy, grew out of his kitten phase . . . Oh, well. . . 'tis the season.
I made this little video last night due to a spontaneous burst of energy that I'm guessing was generated from the same hormones that have me running around organizing every little nook- the "nesting" is real! Anyway, it's just a short little update from my cave, as well as, a loving, invitation for you to go inward, too. <3
I mean we live in such a pressure-filled, production-focused world. We gotta take time to slow down and rest. Ya'll, these cave days have been EVERYTHING. I feel grounded, less anxious, well-rested and super focused. But I know what you are thinking. When is there ever a time to slow down?? And rest? Ha! What is that? I know. I know. The guilt for going against the collective norm is REAL. It doesn't seem possible. UNTIL, you figure out how to just freaking do it. Even in a small way such as breaking away from Social Media or un-consuming from all the spam in your inbox. Or how about saying "no" to some social obligations. (which honestly should be pretty easy right now) If this pandemic has gifted us with anything good, it's the fact that we have an excuse to sloooooooow down. To stop doing so much. Stop trying to be in a thousand different places. Stop trying to accomplish fifty things before the next week.
Let's take a cue from Nature, and get cozy in our dens. Slow down, sleep longer and tune in. As in: TUNE INWARDS. Take time for yourself to listen to your own thoughts and feelings and adjust your life accordingly. This is our time. As women, it's time for us to separate from value systems that aren't serving us. It's time to honor our own feelings and to find home within our own true Self. Please, I urge you to take this time to re-connect with yourSelf. Turn the dial down on the outside world. Get into your body. Root into your own Spirit. Dive into the beautiful, intuitive Self that is waiting for you. Cry the tears. Feel the sadness. Let the Anger transmute into Passion. All of those feelings that we bottle up and push down so well . . . FEEL them. They are our greatest gift. They are our guide.
More on: Cave Days
Cave Days are not just about disconnecting. They are about re-focusing. They are about re-connecting with ourselves. It can be as simple as a mental shift. What is truly necessary in your life? Cave Days are about living simply and living wholly. Stripping away everything that you don't need and re-focusing on things that nourish you. Like good sleep, clean foods, warm baths and family dinners. Cave Days can break habitual patterns like always checking your phone in bed or reaching for more sugar to sooth your stress or always over committing yourself from having weak boundaries.
The still, cold, quiet winter season affords us the space to get clear about the next chapter of our lives. As long as we cut out the noise, rest, reset and listen with our hearts open. We are who we've been waiting for. Here's to retreating to our personal caves, whatever that may look like and getting clear on what needs to shift and change in our lives. Here's to being strong women who intentionally choose to live mindful and passionate lives! Here's to showing up with a full glass. Here's to living into our fullness and to being ALIVE and well.
I love each and every one of you. As I get closer and closer to bringing my daughter into the world, I can't help but get all teary eyed about the simple fact of what it is like being a woman in today's world. It's a lot. But I have so much hope for her generation. Well . . . and ours! We have come so far and I am grateful to be on the journey with you.
As always, thanks for walking with me.
Love, Amber
PS: I'd love to hear from you! Let me know what's up in your life. Are you in a cave? Have you put up a tree? Are you feeling Christmas anxiety? What's up?
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Life Update: I'm Going Inward
ð“Š“ I’m retreating to the cave. ð“Š“
I’m getting cozy in my inner sanctuary this lunar cycle. Pressing pause on social media and other external content like podcasts and blogs because my mind is NOISY. I’m choosing to prioritize deep rest and play. Focusing on CREATING art- doing the soul work that doesn’t happen on here. CONSUMING LESS and taking time to integrate everything that 2020 has taught me. Wow. We all have so much to digest, right??
This upcoming New Moon has been an invitation that I can’t ignore. An invitation to reset, reassess my path and connect with the wisdom within. To meet the muse, the wise woman, the wild woman. To strip everything down to bare bones like the naked trees outside my window. To go underground and tend to the sacred seeds I planted in April. To spend more time cuddling with River, loving Josh, baking pies, writing the hard stuff, writing thank you letters, finishing poems, traveling the realms, immersing myself in my Yoga practice, tightening my circle, preparing for birth, taking baths, nesting, reading, listening, reflecting and taking good care. 💛
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Inner Alchemy, A poem
Trying to turn pain into art
But fears and distraction has kept me from taking action
Will I ever find my voice? Will I ever calm the noise?
I’m taking a break from social media to raise my self esteem
Always feeling blue after looking at the screen
Always feeling lonely after the self-sabotaging routine
I know I’m better than this
Why can’t I just quit the bullshit
A prisoner of my thoughts
Got my stomach in knots
I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired mom-
Wondering what in the world have I done wrong.
Where has my self esteem gone?
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I thought my days would be full of color and play.
I left the corporate world so I could do more of what I love-
Sacrificing the stability and pay
You know, so I could make art and do the things I’ve been dreaming of.
But I’m scared.
What will they think? What will they say?
If I declare something true. If I paint something new.
If I stand for something they stand against.
If I make an uncomfortable mess.
If I choose to confess.
Things need to be put to rest.
This will be the ultimate test.
Can I alchemize
The tears that I’ve cried?
Can I visualize
A new me, a new you-
And be brave enough to believe it may come true?
I want to be cool. I want to fit in.
I want to be seen for the real me.
I want to be accepted.
I’ve been rejected.
It hurts for a minute, but then I’m over it
And ready to get back in it.
But this time I have different intentions.
This time I’m aiming to be respected.
Respected for trying.
Respected for truth-telling, being scared and crying.
Respected for messing up
And having the faith to get back up.
To transform these deep emotions
Into stories of love, hope and devotion
Would be an act of spiritual alchemy
Then, maybe, I will finally feel free
Sunday, March 1, 2020
People Pleasing, Recovery & Why I'm here.
I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt.
Today, I woke up with a little more clarity than yesterday and I remembered something.
I don’t belong in a box.
Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I said that I was going to post some delicious smoothie recipes and that every Thursday I would post five of my favorite things. Although, the truth is – I don’t want to do that. . . never really did.
Do you ever do this? Commit to something that sounds good on paper, but it doesn’t per say, “light you up inside“?
I mean it sounds fun and all- maybe, one day I will write a story about an epic smoothie adventure, but not now. Now is time for stories of the soul. You see, I have been trying to fit in a box my whole life and honestly, I’m fed up with boxes right now. I was trying to fit in the smoothie box for a handful of bad reasons. Although, one reason in particular shoots up a red flag. Inthauntencity.
A Word on Boxes and Belonging
I think a lot of us do this. We are smitten with boxes. Yet, we fail to see that the box we are trying to put ourselves in, well, it’s just too small and too rigid. (Especially if you are an Enneagram type 4 or ruled by Neptune and Picsces, like yours truly.)
As a young blossoming creative person, I need a vessel made of clay that isn’t quite formed yet. I need to be able to pushhhh the edges and know that if I crack the container, it’s okay- I can just fix it with a little spit and dirt. I’m a free-spirited, go with the flow kind of person. So every time I put limits on myself or I attempt to reach some sort of inauthentic goal that I just adopted from a top blogger or my parents, my spirit FREAKS OUT. And honestly, she goes on strike for a little while. I get confused and down on myself- like: hot dog, Amber, you were so stoked about that new project. You worked so hard to get it polished and beautiful. Why are you giving up?? Because . . .
I was trying to fit in a box and I’m learning I don’t belong in boxes.
(I may have to boycott the square for a while in protest of it’s perfection that it so effortlessly flaunts.)
Don’t get me wrong. I have respect for boxes.
Boxes are safe and safe feels good. People like boxes- they are useful. You can get a pre-made box and get a jump start to whatever it is you are building. Like a pre-made website template and well crafted recipes – no problem using the tried and true method as a step to your masterpiece.
Boxes can appear to be perfect with their straight lines and equal number of sides. However, boxes are not very great containers for leading a creative life. Have you ever seen a wild animal in a box? Kills their spirit! We can try to jazz up our box with color and photos of rainbows and lightning bolts, but at the end of the day a box is a box. It’s lacking in character, quirkiness, grit and WILDNESS. It’s vanilla. Stale and overused.
Anyway, I think you get the point. Use boxes, but don’t get yourself stuck in one.
Don’t get yourself stuck in a boring box that you don’t want to be in.
I’m not here to please you.
Ok, let’s get this out of the way: I’m not here to please you. I’m not here to fit nicely in a box or even do box things. I’m here to be like unfired clay.
Sorry if that’s an ouchie, but I just don’t care what you think anymore. I love you, but I’ve wasted too much time and energy worrying about your opinion. I urge you to stop, too. Can we please all stop doing this??
I’m a bit embarrassed to say that the smoothie post and the five favorite things posts were both motivated by a desire to be “liked, accepted, seen, heard”. My poor little mind. She was trying to be so clever. I’ve exhausted her by trying to figure out how to “do what I’m passionate about while being “successful”. Let me rephrase that.
I’ve exhausted my mind trying to figure out how to please others and myself, simultaneously. It’s all so sad but true. And I’d say . . . ohhhh, 99% impossible.
I am not here to please you.
Are YOU letting others control your life through people-pleasing?
I believe that many of us get caught up in this teeter-tottering action of doing, saying and creating WHAT WE TRULY LOVE and WHAT WE THINK WILL GET US LOVE.
I can recall moments in my life when I started something that I was excited about, whether it be a new career, relationship, art project, business, home remodel, etc. The inspiration was pure but somewhere along the way it slowly shifted into something far from my original vision, all because I got wrapped up in thinking about what others will think. So there I was, just trekking down a trail that I don’t want to be on with people that I didn’t click with. Waking up somewhere I didn’t belong going: “how the heck did I end up here??!”
Peace, love and freedom are on the other side of people-pleasing.
In Recovery
So here I am. 31 years of age. Sharper. Wiser. More intuitive than my younger self. Right?
Definitely, but my journey is not over.
Like a dog with a keen sense of scent, I can sniff out any funny business that my mind is trying to trick me into wayyyyy before I’m down the trail. I can hear the tempting voices howling promises of instant comfort. I feel the aching longing to be loved, accepted and part of a team. I know what I need now. I need to listen to my head, but I need to follow my heart. EVERY TIME.
Well, it turns out, I’m just a human, not a dog, and I make human mistakes and I’m still honing my abilities to act from a place of self-love. Recovering from people-pleasing and deeply rooted limiting beliefs, like perfectionism, takes practice.
It takes devotion and diligence and forgiveness and lots of self-love.
Following your own wise, heart is a courageous daily practice.
Bottom line: Surprise! I’m a human healing. I tried to be “likeable” instead of just being me- it happens. People-pleasing is an unhealthy habit that takes time to change. I’m in recovery and doing my best to love, accept and show up as poetry loving, holistic wellness obsessed, astrology nerd, spiritual Amber more often. I’m being called to serve. Let’s talk more about what lights you up inside soon.
A Takeaway (for people-pleasers and confused minds)– Ten years ago, on the brink of my spiritual awakening, I probably would have said something dumb like this: “just be you, because everyone else is taken.” Today, I’m opting for this:
If you have been through a traumatic life event, oh, say like: a divorce, career change, death or birth, (ya know, those major rites of passage that invite you to re-discover yourself through hard life-lessons, e.i., your saturn return), then you might do silly things in the process. Transitional phases of life are very fertile ground for experimentation and silliness! However, these times can become dark and we can become desperate for the light. (mmm, I feel the ache-ness just writing this) We can get real turned around and out of sync with ourselves. So we do silly things like eating raw cookie dough or cutting off our hair or taking bad life advice from middle aged white men that certainly know squat about our story. We go a bit mad.
We keep trying. It’s a process. You will get there.
Be easy on yourself. It’s ok to do something and later realize that was a total mistake. You are allowed to make mistakes and you can always change your mind. Just keep coming back to self-love. Remind yourself that you are growing and please ask yourself if you belong in a box.
Perhaps, you are better suited for a clay vessel. Perhaps . . .
You can always begin anew.
Go Deeper:
Can you pinpoint areas in your life that don’t feel quite “right”?
Are you people-pleasing your way through life?
What was the inspiration or motivation behind your latest instagram post?
Do you know what Enneagram type you are?
What does your astrology say about your uniqueness?
Sunday, January 5, 2020
The Deep Work, A Poem
Keep hiding, keep safe.
Don’t put yourself out there for Heaven’s sake.
Just keep to yourself. Free from judgement.
Free from fear of what others will say.
Because…
How will they take you
with your mess and your sadness….
Don’t risk being rejected,
just be quiet and feel accepted.
Damn.
Just want to feel loved and cool.
Thought I left all this shit in High School.
I’m 31 and still concerned with my self image.
Can’t I just be happy with what I’ve been given?
Can’t I be content for just one minute?
Thinking. . .
Gotta be liked. Gotta be something.
Better be good or else I’ll be running
I look at my son and hope he’s not like this.
I hope he gets his daddy’s self confidence.
I hope he doesn’t stress about paying the rent.
He’s bound to be more. Right?
Because I’m learning what to say.
I’m trusting it will all be okay.
Even when the blue skies fade to grey,
I’ll think back to my time I lived on Renee-
When I would cry everyday and just pray
for the sadness to go away.
Been becoming more aware of my actions.
Noticing that my phone is a tasty distraction.
That this consumption and obsession with superficial stuff
Has us all running amok
God, please help me be more spiritually tough.
I’ll pray it everyday.
God, please help me be more spiritually tough.
Help me believe that I am enough.
I know my son is watching.
Always pulling out pots and spatulas-
trying to cook just like his daddy does.
He wants to be just like us.
They say kids change you
Now, I know that’s true.
Got caught up in religion
Now, I’m trying to live by my own intuition.
I’ve been battling my own reflection
since I ran for homecoming queen and faced rejection.
Trying to control my happiness
through numbers and caffeine.
And by connecting on screens.
Spent a long time contemplating life.
Spent a long time wondering why.
But my son gives me hope.
If God chose me to be a mom,
I’ve got to find a new way to cope.
This fear and anxiety cannot get the best of me.
The universe is counting on me to get it together.
Mothers, let this be a truth to remember:
The universe is counting on us to get it together.
Through the sleep deprivation,
we must be the true education.
To love ourselves and honor all creation.
To be examples of strength and vitality.
To teach our children to dream,
but understand living in reality.
I have to be better at believing in myself.
I know it’s an investment in my health
and ultimately my wealth.
It’s all for my son
and the generations to come.
He makes me want to do my part.
Do the deep work and make good art.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)