Thursday, April 27, 2023
The Bees Are Awake
"Mommy. Mom? Mom?" my four-year-old son, River, calls.
"Uh-uh," I murmur, wiping the sleep from my eyes as I walk toward the coffee pot.
"Are the bees awake?" he asks, concerned.
I peek outside, praying that the bees are far, far away. One . . . two, three, four. Nope, the bees are up and at 'em. Lively, buzzing from flower to flower steps away from the front door.
My mind searches like a frantic bunny hopping to and fro, looking for a thorny bush to shelter in. I need something to say other than the truth- the truth that is sure to break him into a million pieces. I can't handle that yet. I need coffee. If I'm going to deliver the truth, I have to have a side dish to soothe the heat. I can't just whip around and say point blank, "Yes, hunny, they are." I know better than that. As his mother, I do my job to meet his needs.
My mind races to create a little white lie. Something like, "Yeahhhhh, I think I see one, but it looks like he's getting sleepy. I bet if we eat breakfast, he will go away."
You know– those ridiculous statements we parents say to herd the kids in the direction we want them to go. I caught myself telling my daughter Indie yesterday "Baby, you gotta brush your teeth. You've got bugs in your mouth." Which isn't entirely false . . . microorganisms right? Still- I knew I had to paint a ridiculous picture to compel good hygiene action. I'm embarrassed that it was fear related, but I digress. Back to the bees.
You see, River is deeply terrified of bees. He was stung a few years back, but the pain remains. Me too, buddy . . . I always think.
He doesn't want to be hurt again. He wants nothing to do with the things. So he stays inside and hovers close to my leg when he has to venture out, staying on full alert.
I don't know how to help, and this bugs me. (no pun intended) I don't know what to do to ease his anxiety. I try the ole "hey buddy, don't move. Just stay really still. It won't bother you if you don't bother it."
He shrieks at the sight and hyperventilates at the sound. His nervous system can't handle it.
He's only four, and I wonder what other fears he will have to face in life. So many, I am sure of it. My mother hurt throbs thinking about this.
It makes me think about my fears, past and present. What makes my skin crawl? Ahd what helps get me through it? Of course, heights, death, and all those big-ticket fears flash through my mind, but I dismiss those. I want to go beyond the surface.- past being bitten by a shark or mauled by a bear. I reflect for a moment on the fears I'm dealing with daily like River's bees. . . Then, Ahhhhh, I discover the ouchie zone- being late, being seen as irresponsible, being scared that someone will think I'm a bad person.
Perhaps, we all have bees that we wish would go to sleep. Yep, I'd say we do.
Nothing left to do but serve some little white lies to help us cope. We can wrap around the leg of our mother, pray for bravery, and walk through the flowers shrieking, whether on the inside or echoing for the whole holler to hear.
Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Yoga Pose Spotlight: Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)
Downward Facing Dog
(Adho Mukha Svanasana )
Adho Mukha Svanasana or Downward Facing Dog is classified as an inversion as well as an arm balance and a basic standing pose that elongates the spine and works the entire body. Great for beginners!
Adho Mukha Svanasana is part of the Family of Foundational Yoga Poses, a collection of poses that act as the essential building blocks of a strong physical practice. Foundational poses are used to build upon and are effective prep and counter poses to many other asanas. They help us become more aware of habitual patterns of asymmetry in our bodies. They teach symmetry and are strengthening and stabilizing.
STEP BY STEP HOW TO: DOWNWARD FACING DOG
- Start in plank pose with your shoulders over your wrists. Hands should be shoulder-width apart and grounded through four corners of your palms.
- Press down and out into your hands and lift your hips up and back
- Pressing through fingertips, paying special attention to rooting the space between thumb and first finger. (use a blanket for wrist pain)
- Lift and engage forearms.
- Broaden through collarbones.
- Externally rotate inner-upper arms to widen shoulder blades.
- Remove all tension from neck
- Reach the heels toward the floor. Careful not to hyperextending the knees (If your hamstrings feel tight, you can put a slight bend in the knees)
- Hold for at least 3 breaths.
- To exit pose, simply lower back to plank and onto the floor.
Go deeper! Try placing a block between your inner-upper thighs. Squeeze the block, press into your hands, lift lower arms to the sky, engage thighs and curl tailbone into your naval. Hold for 3 - 5 breaths.
Benefits ☺
- Lengthens spine, hamstrings and calf muscles.
- Strengthens upper body, forearms and wrists.
- Slows heart rate as a result of being a slight inversion, making it a calming pose for the mind and nervous system.
- Alleviates low back pain.
Energetics ☽☉☾
- Grounding
- Balancing
- Stimulating
- Neutralizing
꩜ Balances Root & Heart Chakras
Wednesday, May 5, 2021
My Fears of a Garden Taught Me I had to Let Go in Order to Bloom
“Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.” ― Joyce Meyer,
It was the perfect day to get the seeds in the ground. The sun was shining and Josh had finished work early, so we could all plant them as a family. Although, I was feeling resistant and I wasn’t sure why. Josh reminded me how much I wanted to do this and that we have been holding on to the seeds for over a year. ‘Fine.” I thought. Let’s just get this over with.
We started our first garden and now I’m realizing how much fear I had surrounding it.
I wanted the plants to stay close to me. I was scared to put the seeds in the ground. What if they wouldn’t sprout from me doing something wrong?
I kept the lettuce in pots, thinking they would be safer. Putting them in the ground was overwhelming to me. So many things could go wrong and it seems so permanent. Where as, if they are in a pot, I have the freedom to move them around or repot them if need be.
I wanted to be in control.
What if it rained too much? What if it didn’t rain at all this season and I forgot to water them one day? What if the deer get to the veggies? What if the weeds take over? WHAT IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I don’t really know what I’m doing anyway. Isn’t there a science to this? How much space do we need between each plant? Which direction do the rows need to go in? How do we know if the soil is healthy? What else do I not know?
I was beginning to feel completely inadequate in gardening. I hadn’t even begun.
Do you ever feel like this when starting something new?
If so, I invite you to reflect with me.
How can we practice being brave in the act of letting go of control? How can we not only have Faith in God; but also have Faith in ourselves? Can we believe in ourselves, in our abilities to tend to our hopes and desires? Can we plant new seeds and trust in our caretaking skills? Can we believe that we are CAPABLE, POWERFUL and WORTHY of blooming?
Can we be patient enough in the struggle as we push up through the soil? And then take time to celebrate our strength, our resiliency and our new growth before moving on to the next season of life?
The answer, of course, is YES. You know it and I know it.
But every time we are faced with fear of the unknown we have an opportunity to plant more seeds. It’s a lifelong practice. We must remember though, that we can’t reap the benefits of seeds we don’t sow.
So let’s encourage each other to take action and get our seeds in the ground.
May the promise of new growth outweigh our fear of stumbling.
Wednesday, February 10, 2021
Living Yoga with a Newborn, Toddler and Cabin Fever during the Global Pandemic
Hello everyone,
What is going on? How is life? How are you?
It's been over 4 weeks since we left the house. We drove to Hot Springs with the kids just so I could quickly run into the Dollar Store to grab some diapers and a frozen pizza. YOUR GIRL JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT. It had been weeks since I left the house and that was for Indie's newborn check-up appointment! So all in all, I've been out of the house 3 times in the past 6 weeks (2 of those trips being the birth center). This can't be good. Even for a highly introverted homebody like myself. I'm not sure what comes after having Cabin Fever, but rest assured - I'm about to find out.
Things are getting weird, but in a weird good way. The highs and lows of having a newborn seem to be even more extreme. I cry and sulk one day and the next I'm up dancing around the house. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm doing it with grace. You wanna know how? YOGA.
In tantra yoga we talk about making your mess holy. We talk about holy paradoxes and how to find the calm in the chaos. It's a lot of balancing opposing forces. Or shall we say CONNECTING forces. The yoga that I practice is about exploring the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine at the intersection of self criticism and self love. Oh, yes, there is a meeting point. It's called pain or discomfort or unhappiness.
I hear you . . . but whatever does that mean? What does it have to do with staying sane during these unprecedented times??
Well, people ask me: How are you surviving . . . how are you holding up? What's it like living with a newborn and a toddler . . . during a pandemic . . . in the woods?? Well, it's very quite simple - with lots of laughter and crying. See, ya gotta have both sides of the coin. :) But really . . .
Let's balance out the prolonged confinement with feelings of freedom and creativity. For us, that looks like wearing as little clothing as we want, writing and indulging in chocolate. (Then perhaps we balance out the sweets with some greens.) Let's meet our fiery rage with a soothing bath. See . .. simple, right?
No, not always. It takes practice to walk the Earth with a steady spirit. Lord, knows I'm no zen master. However, I am way more zen about life than I used to be.
Let's go a bit deeper. You've got time right?
Here's a story from earlier this week.
Damn it. I'm still ten pounds away from my pre-baby weight. I tell myself that it's time to detox. It's time to be diligent about your diet and exercise, Amber. You are 6 weeks past giving birth. Time to BOUNCE BACK. Every time I step on the scale or try to squeeze myself into my jeans I notice "the voice" bubbling up, disgusted with my squishy belly. I even have a name for her: ED. Yep, short for Eating Disorder. ED became my best bud in high school. We don't talk much anymore due to a major falling out. (it was time to go our separate ways) But sometimes ED likes to pop back up in my life, much like an ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be forgotten. So I just listen to her and later engage when I'm on my mat.
During my practice I pay attention. I try to go slow to notice all of these different voices, these different parts of myself that fight for my attention. (ED included . . . bless her, she just wants control)
I'm so used to going fast, it's hard to slow down, but I try.
I begin in standing position, aligning my body in Mountain Pose. It feels good to be standing tall. I sense my confidence growing just by rolling my shoulders back and down. I pause for just a breath. This is the part where I'm supposed to set an intention, but all I can muster is feeling grateful for the opportunity to show up. It's enough.
I start to flow.
Raising my arms high above my head and folding over my legs, the voices start chattering. (Wow, that didn't take long.)
My heart starts to race and my nerves get all frazzled as I notice my body wanting to move faster than the rest of me. I was already feeling the disconnection.
My mind gets frustrated and chooses to go elsewhere. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here . . it's too painful, too uncomfortable. So it goes where it always goes - to the kids, to the dishes, to the never ending to-do list. All of that mind wandering eventually leads its way to self sabotage.
I continue to flow through my sun salutations. I've done them for years, so it's easy for my body to go auto pilot, while my mind parades about attempting to find something to busy itself with.
Lingering in Downward Facing Dog was my bodiy's way of letting my mind settle. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know that taking time to breathe in this pose was less about stretching out my hamstrings and more about letting my mind catch up.
Linking the breath with the movements I start to feel connected again, but the emotions are still present. My mind isn't wandering. She's present. She's just focused on convincing me about how I'm doing it all wrong and how I still have so far to go since giving birth, especially if I want to be the best, the most flexible, the most tranquil, rooted, grounded, most inspired person ever. (Geeeze, give it a break will ya)
Feelings of shame and inadequacy surface as I lift my leg into the air to come into Warrior I. My mind says it's not high enough, I need to lift my leg higher. I feel fear thinking that I'm doing it all wrong. Questioning myself. Am I supposed to be pointing or flexing my toes at this point??
The self doubt grows as I stretch out my arms into Warrior II. I feel so far away from being a warrior, but I try anyway. I take the biggest inhale I can possibly take and try to conjure up as much warrior energy as I could. I'm praying the voices of self-doubt will calm down. An image of Disney's cartoon character, Mulan appears in my mind. I cling on to it. I think of giving birth. . . . twice. I think of starting my own business. I think of hiking the Appalachian Trail. I think of that one time I had that really hard conversation. I think of living through divorce and losing it all.
For a moment, I feel strong. The same way I did in the beginning when I was standing in Mountain Pose.
At this point, I want to quit. The practice doesn't feel complete, but I feel ok. I've only been on my mat for maybe 10 minutes and already I've battled a wandering mind, feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-hatred and voices of self-doubt. Isn't that enough for a day??
Maybe. Maybe, it is.
I step off the mat and walk towards my baby. She's awake, but satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs to check on my toddler. He's playing with his trucks. All is well. All is ok. I can check yoga off my to do list that I was so concerned with, but I don't.
You want to know why? Because my mind said it wasn't good enough. And that my friends, is where my healing work continues and my yoga goes root deep. Even though I know that any amount of yoga is more than good enough, there is a part of me that says otherwise. (and it's not ED) This one is called . . .
Perfectionism.
This little booger really keeps me from living the good life.
Perfectionsism does not like to rest. It's all work and no play. Perfectionism says there is always work to do. No time for rest and there is absolutely no time for play. Unless you can make your play productive . .. then we can talk. Perfectionism ALWAYS has the same response: "eh, could be better."
I'm cringing. Are you?
So here I am. It's been well over 24 hours since this yoga session and yet I could argue that I'm still in it. I'm not on my mat. Heck, I'm sitting at a messy desk with a baby strapped to me. BUT, I'm doing my yoga.
I'm working out allllllll of those feelings I experienced on the mat. I'm processing. I'm responding. I'm rewiring my system in order to open the channels for the Love to flow through. The Love that brings the Grace and Self-Compassion. That's when the mind, body and soul are connected. You know the feeling. When you feel free of any distracting thought. When you are present and when you have the capacity to love and be Loved. OOOooof . . . cold chills, anyone?
Let's wrap this up.
I'm sharing all of this because: CONNECTION, Joy, Healing.
We are in need of it. I need it and I know those around me are in search of it too. It's what we are here to do.
Yes, we are in a global pandemic, but we needed this work long before. Thankfully, it is pushing this work into the forefront. Yoga works for me. But maybe something else helps you connect to the Love. Reading the Bible, pulling a Tarot card, Dance, or whatever it is I hope you take the time to engage, to connect, to open and to heal.
I'm going to go put on some lipstick and pretend I'm going to a coffee shop. Hey, daydreaming is sacred.
Love you!
AA
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