We live in a seemingly connected world. Technology has enabled us to connect whenever, wherever. It has made our lives more efficient and we now have access to an abundance of resources. One can argue that we are connected to everything ALL OF THE TIME. Yet, we are finding ourselves separate from the things that matter most. Our best friends are in our back pocket, but we still feel lonely.

Distracted, Discontent and Disconnected from the real world.

This became all too clear when I gave birth to my first son, River. I found myself feeling alone and frustrated. I was doing all the things I thought would help bring me closer to my joy. I was going to story time and visiting with family and going to mom groups. I even tried to start a mom blog.

None of that seemed to work. It just made me feel more lonely. It took all year to figure out that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just too dang distracted. I made the link between social-media and my feelings of “dis-connect”. Everyday I felt this weird pressure to post, like, engage, follow, connect. Since I had used social media as a Marketing tool in my prior business the habitualized “need to be active online” pattern way of thinking was strong. Naturally, I thought connecting online was the most efficient way to gain support and not lose my shit as a new mom. So I would hop on a mom Facebook group while breastfeeding or scroll Pinterest for some meal inspiration. But it just made me feel more overwhelmed, sad, alone and anxious.

“Earth to Amber”, I would hear Nature whisper. “It’s time to come back to reality.”

It was stealing so much of my time and stressing me out. I had to take a break. So I did a 30 day social media cleanse. It was freeing and insightful. I was surprised at how easy it was, but I was excited to get back online. Spending time on Social Media had become a ritual and a creative outlet, especially since I started posting my poetry on Instagram.

sometimes you need more than a short shower

It was only a couple days of me being back online when a sinking, intuitive feeling came about. I had just wasted precious napping time mindlessly scrolling. I knew I needed a longer break to change this unhealthy relationship I was having with my phone. Every time I would grab it my fingers instantly swiped open my social apps and then I checked my email. I was addicted to that little dopamine hit that we get from notifications!!!

Babies bring motivation.

A few weeks before River turned one, I had a big ah-ha moment after he began imitating me cleaning. Oh my gosh, this baby is watching my every move. I have to be the best role model I can be! I was inspired and motivated to be a better mother- a mother that was not consumed by her phone. I mean, I’m molding the future. This is an honor, a privilege and a huge responsibility. I’m taking this role seriously. I thought to myself.

I vowed to get off social media until I felt more confident and connected with the things that mattered most.

I’m currently 52 days social media free and one thing is for sure. I’m doing a lot more of what I love. This blog is a testament to that! So far, I’ve been writing everyday- focused and fearless. I’m betting that I will feel more present through the holidays, which will in turn make me feel more connected to my family and friends. I know that by the end of this, I will return to social media with a stronger mindset, clear intentions, healthy boundaries, better sex life, better attitude and way less anxiety.

What is it?

What are you focused on? What are you working towards? What is up ahead? What Mountain are you climbing? What is at the top? What will your reward be?

- A flower garden?

- A lover that really gets you?

- A pay increase?

- More play and less stress?

- A friend or lover?

- A trip to Spain?

- A little plot of land in the mountains?

- A steady income?

- A closet of clothes that feels like you?

What do you go to bed thinking about? What do you wake up thinking about?

For me, it's so complicated. Yet, so simple.

In a lot of ways, I have accomplished many of my dreams. I have a lover who honors and respects me. I have a beautiful son. And I have a cozy home in the mountains. But my soul longs for more. I dream of community and art that will start movements. I dream of spontaneous road trips. I dream of peace, beauty, ease, connection, power and sacredness.

I guess I dream of feeling good most of all. Feeling good and doing good. I'm still just a girl who carries around a heavy soul with a pocket full of dreams. And a head full of questions.

God, please send more dreamers my way. Send us an anchor so we don't drown in our sea of ideas.

Current happy moods:

Good Coffee

Ashwagandha

Sex in the middle of the day.

Billy Strings on the radio.

Cold beer (crushing on this one)

Writing poetry

Listening to this podcast

or this one

Astrology with Virginia Rosenberg

Dreaming about Camp Happy Mundo

The Artist Way by Julia Cameron

Low Gluten and Dairy

photo via pinterest

Wonder with me for a moment. .

When a dream is realized but it's not how you imagined. . .

something is out of place,

missing

or perhaps the color hue needs adjusted-

just slightly.

What do you do?

What do you do when you long for a place that no longer exists?

Or maybe it does exist, but not in the same way you remembered

Things have grown and so have you.

The place is different and so are you.

How can a dreamer be satisfied when the dreamer's dream is

actually a living nightmare?

Fear runs the month. Under the supervision of the past.

Anxiety rules over the year. Under strict supervision of the future.

vvvvvv INSERT MOM RANT (for context) vvvvv

My body hurts from carrying a 22lb baby around. Picking him, putting him down, tossing him in the air, fighting him to get his diaper on because apparently that isn't . . . fun for him. . .??? I smell like old milk. It's disgusting. I don't know what my personal style is anymore, since I can't breastfeed easily in the majority of my wardrobe, but that really doesn't even matter these days. I'm mentally checked-out. See-ya bye. I'm actually on a beach somewhere quiet. with a cold "mommy beverage" and a book, getting a massage with no pressure to do anything afterward but lounge and read a book and drink hot coffee. Yep, hot coffee and a cold bubbly drink . . . give 'em to me. No one touch me. Except for the massage person.

If I have to research one more thing about babies in the next 24 hours, I am going to combust. My brain can't take it. There is so many conflicting opinions and studies and parenting styles and people out there preaching "rights and wrongs". Bah! I don't know what the right thing to do is!? I don't feel 100% great about any decision we make and that makes me feel awful. I'm already bad about making decisions and now I have to make them for someone else! YIKES.

But, I'm not on that beach. Nope, I'm with my adorable family. In my adorable cabin-home nestled in my adorable little woodland cove. Plagued with guilt of feeling depleted and grey and ungrateful and soulfully ugly.

*** Ok, rant over. Phew.***

I did not dream of this. It just happened. Careful, sleepwalkers! You, too, can wake up in a strange reality. Left to wonder: Where the heck am I? How did I get here? And where do I truly belong?

"Where do I belong?"

I left a mom group today questioning where I belong. I felt out of place. Even though, all the moms were nice and great and we had babies around the same age and we lived close by and we all brought fruit. . . still, I found myself getting quiet and falling into the background as they started to share about their medicated hospital births and sleep training techniques and going back to work. When I was asked about my methods- I seemed to have the "outcasted" method of parenting. So many thoughts flooded my mind "OMG, am I doing this wrong?" "Ah! Do they think I am doing this wrong?!" "I want so badly to be liked so we can hang out and I can not go insane on this journey. . . "

I knew this was all bull shit. (My thoughts, that is.)

I knew I was being overly paranoid and sensitive.

I also knew that this wasn't where I belonged.

And that was fine.

This question of belonging has been eating at me. . . I tried journaling about it. Where do I feel at home? Where do I feel like I can be 100% me and feel supported. Where does my heart long to dwell? It's been a while since I have felt true belonging.

Can I create that special dwelling place? If so, what does it look like or feel like? And will others join me? Or will it just be a wall around me and my own "special thoughts and things". I'm good at creating castles where only I live and reign. Isolated- a prisoner of my own mind.

But the truth is: I don't want a castle any more. I want a village. I want like-minded people who seek truth and hunger for connection. I want in person communication. Dinner gatherings, campfire chats and morning walks.

So, the reality is, I didn't dream of this. But I am here. Still moving, still breathing.

The spark is alive and the fire is glowing. Now, if I can just find some more dead wood and helping hands. All that I can do is feed the fire.

This new journey is only just beginning.

I have a lot of things to say.

I think I'll start saying them... yep. Let's start with this little truth for all of my introverted, shy pals...

I grew up "the shy one" - being consistently scared of people. At times my timidness was so bad that my sister or best friend would have to speak for me. I was always, secretly living in fear. Scared of hurting, disappointing, or making others feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar? ( I've also developed a really good "I don't care" attitude, but really I always care. ) I'm really good at observing and noticing the subtleties. I have the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear. I'm like expert people pleaser. It comes in handy sometimes. Actually, I love my spider senses of knowing what people need to hear. But I've learned that people pleasing doesn't always help. Actually, most times, the truth is hands-down the most healing. Even when it hurts. So let's do ourselves a favor and just say what we want to say. . . In the kindest, most compassionate, most understanding, empathetic way possible. ☺️ we all got problems. Woo ... ok.... that was enough for like the year. HA. #babysteps #thereisalioninside 🌋🌋🌋 

photo of how I look 90% of the time by sister, Lexi B Adams. #onamission

Stillness in movement. This has been my spiritual practice. 🏄‍♀️

Finding little moments to take in a big belly breath and chant my mantra. Today, River and I went for a walk in the park. As soon as he fell asleep, I desperately wanted to park the stroller and plop down on a bench to catch up on emails, read, write, meditate, really anything instead of worrying and focusing all of my attention on him.... but I knew if I stopped walking that he would wake up... because he always does. This ain’t my first time around the block. So instead, I tried my best to find stillness and peace in the walking. It felt weird. But I knew it was my only choice.

This has been my daily practice.

I hear my Guides, my ancestors, my God calling me. I hear them saying: “It doesn’t matter where you are or who you are with or what you are doing... just show up. We need to talk about things.” So I keep walking. And try to calm my mind. And I keep showing up. As much as I want to sit in a quiet little spot by the water, with my eyes closed all alone... it’s just not gonna happen right now. So I find my stillness at the back of a stroller in the midst of strangers walking their dogs. I listen deep and I hear my angels say “My child, you are an ocean with crashing, powerful waves... but even waves rest. We are here for you. Lean into us whenever you want. Keep walking.” 🙏🏻 

If you, too, are seeking stillness and peace , I hope you can find it wherever you are. #thoughtsontheway#beherenow #trying #dailypractice#momlife

Here I am.

In this moment

and I can't help but feel the pull

of every women wondering

if someone else is out there.

The shy little kid in me

wants to hide. "Shhhh, be quiet . . .

don't move. They might find us."

I know this little girl is trying to protect me.

But the pull is strong

and so am I.

I have things to say to these women.

I have things to share. Like,

Hi, I'm out here and I feel alone, too.

I'm hurting and I'm confused and struggling.

The shy little girl flinches- waiting

for someone to laugh or criticize.

But no one does.

Instead, she feels Love.

A multitude of heavenly hosts coming to her side.

She feels safe again.

And at peace for

she doesn't have to hide any longer.

Lost. Seeking. Hiding. Found.

Here we are.

Dear River,
9 months with you have been hard and fun and enlightening. I am swept back to the day you entered this world and feel butterflies- big, strong ones. If I’m being completely honest it was pretty freaking traumatic but in the best kinda way. I’m realizing I still have so much to process about birthing you. I wonder if other women give it much thought afterwards... like really deep reflections. Or do they just keep their head down and continue going through the motions. We women are good like that. I wonder how much emotion is stored away in our bones of those first couple of weeks and months... when we are getting to know our babes. Phew... those days. Nothing is quite like it. I am your mother and I have so much to teach you. So much to tell you.

I believe in God.

I belive in dreams.

I believe that Love is the bridge.

I believe in superpowers.

I believe in Beauty as a portal

and that doors open

during golden hours.

I believe dreams come and go.

The true ones live in our bones.

Josh and I talked for hours this morning about religion, the Bible, spirituality, loving our family, finding community and how it’s all just so freaking hard to meet in the middle sometimes. We see eye-to-eye on a lot, but like any other relationship, we also have our differences- mainly when it comes to beliefs, methods and eating cake.
I live for these deep conversations about the meaning of life and what’s really at the bottom of the everything we think and do... but sometimes the rabbit hole can be scary. Which brings me to a favorite memento: LET LOVE LEAD. Let love bring you back to heart. ⋒

Together, Josh and I have journeyed through difficult, awkward, painful conversations. We’ve navigated times of disagreement, confusion and moments of misunderstandings. We’ve learned to breathe through every single triggering word or tone. I know there are more to come and I welcome them.

When we really listen and take in each other’s side of the story, compassion expands our hearts and more love comes in- filling in the holes of hurt and insecurities. It’s like our differences have in a way bonded us together through acceptance and understanding. ⋒

Relationships. Phew. The great teacher about myself. And really the universe... Bottom line: walking through differences always bring me to LOVE. Love is the guide, love is the way, love is the end. Love will take you home. ⋒

The challenge now lies in releasing control and insecurities. By letting fear move out of the way and letting Love lead, we can actually get somewhere great. If we all began to listen deep, speak truth and let Love show the way... maybe we can all be bonded together by the willingness to accept our differences and the fact that we don’t understand and that’s ok!! #unity#collectiveconsciousness #lovewins

Be still and know ⋒

One of my favorite texts from the Bible. It’s so simple, yet so powerful. And just the words I’ve needed lately to anchor into the present moment (where the magic happens). Be still and know that other forces are at play. Be still and know that you are healing. Be still and know that you are light, love, darkness, formless and everything in between. Be still and know that you are not alone. Be still and know that what you are feeling is truth. ⋒
May you take some time to enter into the deep, divine feeling place and know whatever comes up for you is exactly what you need. Trust it.

U-N-F-O-L-D-I-N-G. 🌸

Adding layers, peeling them back, letting them go or tucking some away for another day. We all contain so much wisdom in our layers of life experiences. Today, I let one go. Today I choose not to feel bad about wearing lipstick and mascara. Somewhere (probably while hiking the AT) I picked up a story that wearing makeup was dishonest and not “natural” enough. 〰️〰️〰️ Jeeeee-wiz, amber. Loosen up, girl. You can be so rigid and serious sometimes. Right?? Hmmmm, so today’s wisdom seems to be coming through as : if it feels good, don’t suppress or resist it. Do it! Be it! Love it! And maybe, find some time to be a little silly. 💋💄💁‍♀️💃🏻 #rejoice in #femininity !!! #hershelterpoetry

True story: in my head, in dreamland, in the astral realm- I walk tall.

I speak seldom but with authority. I’m confident in myself, my ideas and my creations. I am powerful. In this physical plane, not so much. But working on it!!

Are you also making yourself small? Like your shoulders are hunched and you find yourself wishing to be invisible in public spaces? And sometimes you try to talk but the words don’t leave your lips??? You see yourself differently. You know in your core you are creative and strong as hell but you have problems manifesting that version of yourself? Or maybe articulating? Welp, me too! You aren’t alone! Yay! Yay internet for connecting us. I’ve been doing my darnest to step outside my comfort zone and follow my intuition instead of my head. So maybe I can live up to the Amber I really like when I’m dreaming. Will you join me? 💞 #introvertconfessions#calkingalldreamers #hershelterpoetry

I feel it.
Like I’m not in control.
Just the vessel, just the shell.
The container that carries it all.

The weight,
The wildness that inhabits me
cannot be fully contained.
Sometimes I break.
I crack. I crash.
And the wildness falls out.
I used to hurry to put it back.
But now I don’t.
I used to pretend like there were no cracks.
No brokenness.
Only temporary releases that could be filled with make-believes.
I used to pretend.
#hershelterpoetry

🌷🕊 Growing up, my mom would take me and my sister Easter dress shopping where we would find coordinating outfits to match our brother and dad. Every year, we would wake up to hunt for an Easter basket that was hidden somewhere inside of the house. Then we would snap a family porch picture, hop in the car and drive about a mile away to our little country church. And afterwards we would spend the day hunting eggs that we had dyed the weekend before.

This year I have my own little family. And I’m hit with a wave of #gratitude for my parents. I had no idea how much effort goes into keeping family traditions... well... traditions. So shout out to all the parents for making this day special and memorable. It may not seem like a big deal to dye eggs or hide baskets, but it is.

Thank you mom and dad for my magical childhood. I’m so happy I have you as parents. ❣️ I’m thanking my lucky stars for my little family and for this beautiful Earth we get to call home. A planet that awakens each Spring with color and new life. I’m so excited for creating our own traditions together in this sweet little cove.
And of course today I honor and celebrate the story of Jesus. That guy is a special dude- the real deal messenger of hope, love and kindness. Thank you Jesus for being a light for me.

I love this season of hope and renewal so much.

Feeling alive, feeling new-
Fresh, like the kiss of morning dew.
Is this what it’s like to really be true?
I asked the Dogwoods,
“How can I always feel like the real me?” Singing in harmony, they have replied:
“You can choose what you want to see.
You can choose who you want to be.

This is your power.
This is the key.

You can see the burning tower.
Or you can see the blooming flower.
Thinking, feeling and dreaming are all good.
But this is only a fraction
of the way to true becoming.
The rest is about taking action.

Watch as we stand in our glory.
We will teach you how to share your story. “

#hershelterpoetry #treetalks#poetsofinstagram

There is a place to go within.

for the roaming mind to rest
for the soul-seeking journey to begin

a shelter for life’s hardest of days
for you to be alone and still feel ok

where feeling gives way to healing
and answers arise through
words gracefully moving
across the minds eye

where we can string together
the song of our heart-
our life’s work, our art.

where we can watch as thought
manifests into form
opening portals, opening doors

where we become one with the muse
the source that resides inside
our spirit, our life force
the true Divine

and when it’s time
we fly, we soar
finding our flock while finding our core
like birds in the sky
gently awakening all that pass by

Dear River,

We’ve been side-by-side for six months. And I mean that very literally. We have only been away from each other a handful of times.

Every morning you wake up happy and chatty. I like to imagine your dreams being full of adventurous, wonder and you are telling me all about them.

We spend all day together, everyday.

I’m told by some people that this is not healthy for either of us. Apparently, I’m creating attachment issues. But, ya know what? I don’t care what they think. I love our time together. Although, sometimes I wish you would chill a bit more so that I could write or eat a warm meal. 📷

We walk the aisles of bookstores and grocery shops like it’s our job. You LOVE being outside and people watching. You got your first tooth this week! It’s on the bottom and right in the center. You are growing like a weed and we are bagging up all of your stylish clothes to pass on to your future BFF cousin! (he’ll be here later this year) You met the ocean this month. Your attitude towards it was as mysterious as the ocean itself. You love to study and observe. (hmmmm, I think you get that from me AND daddy) Oh, and I almost forget- today you tried your first food! The delicious, nutritious AVOCADO. You seemed to like it, but you liked drumming with your spoon more.

River, I hope you will always see and feel and know that me and Daddy are doing our best with what we have been given. I hope that you always feel supported and loved at every phase and stage and age of your life.

Liberation from old thought patterns, stories in my head, self-sabotage, toxic environments, the need of approval. #moksha #happiness

Inner Guidance: set yourself FREEEEEEE! Be that bird in the background. Love one another. Be gentle. Be easy. Let go. Rise up.

“What in the world! It feels like there is a phone buzzing in my ovaries!”

Yep – I felt implantation vibration.

At first I thought it was stress related. I was working on my feet all day, everyday on hard concrete floors and I was exhausted. So I chalked the buzzing ovaries up to another symptom of adrenaline fatigue. But two days later and the buzzing was still happening- my spidey senses started kicking in. “Could I be . . .”

The full moon was in 8 days. Maybe I’m feeling that, I thought. I’m 3 days late. Hmmm, but my period tends to show up at all different times, so that didn’t mean much to me. I told myself that I would take a pregnancy test on Friday so that I wouldn’t be distracted during the work week if I was actually pregnant. (see, I already knew).

I pulled out my tarot cards and laid out a pregnancy spread which ended up being pretty dang accurate! Then I googled “early signs of pregnancy” all day. Two days later, I took a test and got confirmation that I was pregnant.

Trust that intuition, mama!

These two words sum up our current situation: SETTLING IN.

We are 4 months into this journey and I feel like we made it to the “settling-in” part. The first 3 months were very much survival mode- for both me and baby River.

He’s over there thinking: “where the heck am I? It’s bright and loud and people are looking at me and putting clothes on me and I’m not sure what to do. . . when do I get to eat again?”

While I’m over here like: “Am I holding him the right way? How do I clean his penis? Is he even breathing right now? Crap, my water has been boiling for an hour, I NEED TO EAT my oatmeal. Crap, I forgot I started laundry, again. How do I carry packages into the post office AND him? How do I run my business when I can’t even manage to eat, sleep and shower? What are the breastmilk rules, again . . .4 hours and still good?? Babe, I’m sorry I can’t look at how beautiful it is outside, I’m too busy to even look at my own reflection in the mirror!

Those first 3 months were R -O-U-G-H. Holy Moses. But now we are settling-in. “So how did we arrive here,” I ask myself. Well, it helps that River feels more comfortable and safe now. If he is crying, we usually know why. And we are feeling way more confident as parents, well, more so than those initial weeks of his life. Although, now that I’m on the other side and reflecting on the past three months, I realize that we also had to be intentional and shift some things before we could leave the “survival-mode”. In no particular order:

Acceptance. Surrender. Sacrifice. Adapting.

I had to accept the fact that I could not run a business and take care of a newborn. So I put the business on hold and we figured out a way to pay all the bills from Josh’s income.Accepting help without feeling anything other than grateful. This is a biggie. I had to let go of the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and let people help me. Dishes, dinner, changing diapers, whatever was needed – I eventually realized that I had no room in my system for feeling guilty about accepting help.I had to surrender to his minute-by-minute needs and be more go-with-the-flow than ever before. If that meant abandoning a fully loaded grocery cart due to a fussy session so be it. If that meant leaving a loud restaurant because he was over stimulated even through I was really enjoying the company and conversation, so be it.Lowering cleanliness standards.Adapting to an earlier bed time. Actually, scratch that and let’s just say adapting to a new way of life. A life where everything is done in 2 – 3 hour increments.Saying BRB to some of my favorite clothes and being ok with wearing the same outfits over and over because they are more breast-feeding friendly.

Tell me: How are you settling into Motherhood or your pregnancy?

Dear Cheerleaders,

With the rise in popularity of magical and spiritual things, it’s time to talk about your role within the student body. Let’s cut to the chase: you are a healing artist. It’s time to start acting like one.

Once I graduated high school, I became embarrassed if someone found out that I was a former cheerleader. I hated being judged as the stereotype of a clueless, boring person who dated football players and only cared about being popular. If you are reading this, maybe you relate? It’s unfortunate that I spent ten years disowning that part of my past. Because cheerleading definitely got me here. Some of my favorite stand-out memories are associated with cheering. Now, I understand why. Cheerleading is spiritual.

How strong is your school spirit . . . really? Do you know what it means to be a cheerleader?

It was in a therapy session when I realized that cheerleading is magical. Think about it. We create pep rallies that unify a whole student body. We bring people together and remind them that they are a part of something greater. We lead people in chants that shift the vibration of a whole stadium filled with people. We quite literally lift others up. We are movement artists. Have you ever stopped to think about the artistic skills that are required to sketch out formations and choreograph half-time routines? Art!

Change the stereotype. Elect better captains. Impeach clueless coaches.

Cheerleaders are natural-born leaders. It’s probably why most of them are “popular”. They are usually likable, positive, and caring individuals. So why are cheerleaders so easily stereotyped as ditzy, snobby, vain, and even mean? That doesn’t seem to support our mission of encouraging others.

Perhaps, it’s because there are not enough of us who are taking our roles seriously? Maybe, there are not enough captains who understand what the real roles of cheer actually are? Is your coach doing her job?

Don’t let the “haters” get ya down.

It’s frustrating. I get it. I was often irritated when others would argue that cheer was not a sport. People would roll their eyes at me when I told them I was a cheerleader. Looking back, I can agree with the “haters”. Cheer isn’t just a sport. It’s an art form. Sure, you have to be athletic and work as a team and sometimes you compete but the sport of cheerleading is not the driving force of “why we cheer”. I can understand the eye-rolling, too. A lot of cheerleaders aren’t doing their job to the best of their ability. It’s time we start. I know we can do better. At least, I know we could have done better in 2010 . . . I’m assuming not much has changed. Maybe it has and this means nothing. In that case, horary!

I’m not in school anymore. I guess, technically, I’m not a cheerleader, but as a former captain I still feel a sense of responsibility to lead. Even if it’s by sharing a new perspective that could help better my old stomping grounds.

To all of you former cheerleaders, don’t forget your time on the platform- it has molded you into the speaker of hope and the spirited person that you are.

May your spirit be strong and your team beautifully, unified. 

Lots of love and respect,

Amber

Sources: 12 years of cheer. Many under the great, Judy Henderson. Pic of the squad below.