Living Yoga with a Newborn, Toddler and Cabin Fever during the Global Pandemic

Hello everyone, 

What is going on? How is life? How are you?

It's been over 4 weeks since we left the house. We drove to Hot Springs with the kids just so I could quickly run into the Dollar Store to grab some diapers and a frozen pizza. YOUR GIRL JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT. It had been weeks since I left the house and that was for Indie's newborn check-up appointment! So all in all, I've been out of the house 3 times in the past 6 weeks (2 of those trips being the birth center). This can't be good. Even for a highly introverted homebody like myself. I'm not sure what comes after having Cabin Fever, but rest assured - I'm about to find out.

Things are getting weird, but in a weird good way. The highs and lows of having a newborn seem to be even more extreme. I cry and sulk one day and the next I'm up dancing around the house. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm doing it with grace. You wanna know how? YOGA. 

In tantra yoga we talk about making your mess holy. We talk about holy paradoxes and how to find the calm in the chaos. It's a lot of balancing opposing forces. Or shall we say CONNECTING forces. The yoga that I practice is about exploring the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine at the intersection of self criticism and self love. Oh, yes, there is a meeting point. It's called pain or discomfort or unhappiness.

I hear you . . . but whatever does that mean? What does it have to do with staying sane during these unprecedented times?? 

Well, people ask me: How are you surviving . . . how are you holding up?  What's it like living with a newborn and a toddler . . .  during a pandemic . . .  in the woods?? Well, it's very quite simple - with lots of laughter and crying. See, ya gotta have both sides of the coin. :) But really . . .

Let's balance out the prolonged confinement with feelings of freedom and creativity. For us, that looks like wearing as little clothing as we want, writing and indulging in chocolate. (Then perhaps we balance out the sweets with some greens.) Let's meet our fiery rage with a soothing bath. See . .. simple, right? 
No, not always. It takes practice to walk the Earth with a steady spirit. Lord, knows I'm no zen master. However, I am way more zen about life than I used to be. 

Let's go a bit deeper. You've got time right? 

Damn it. I'm still ten pounds away from my pre-baby weight. I tell myself that it's time to detox. It's time to be diligent about your diet and exercise, Amber. You are 6 weeks past giving birth. Time to BOUNCE BACK. Every time I step on the scale or try to squeeze myself into my jeans I notice "the voice" bubbling up, disgusted with my squishy belly. I even have a name for her: ED. Yep, short for Eating Disorder. ED became my best bud in high school. We don't talk much anymore due to a major falling out. (it was time to go our separate ways) But sometimes ED likes to pop back up in my life, much like an ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be forgotten. So I just listen to her and later engage when I'm on my mat. 

During my practice I pay attention. I try to go slow to notice all of these different voices, these different parts of myself that fight for my attention. (ED included . . . bless her, she just wants control)

I'm so used to going fast, it's hard to slow down, but I try. 

I begin in standing position, aligning my body in Mountain Pose. It feels good to be standing tall. I sense my confidence growing just by rolling my shoulders back and down. I pause for just a breath. This is the part where I'm supposed to set an intention, but all I can muster is feeling grateful for the opportunity to show up. It's enough. 

Raising my arms high above my head and folding over my legs, the voices start chattering. (Wow, that didn't take long.)

My heart starts to race and my nerves get all frazzled as I notice my body wanting to move faster than the rest of me. I was already feeling the disconnection.  

My mind gets frustrated and chooses to go elsewhere. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here . . it's too painful, too uncomfortable. So it goes where it always goes - to the kids, to the dishes, to the never ending to-do list. All of that mind wandering eventually leads its way to self sabotage. 

I continue to flow through my sun salutations. I've done them for years, so it's easy for my body to go auto pilot, while my mind parades about attempting to find something to busy itself with.

Lingering in Downward Facing Dog was my bodiy's way of letting my mind settle. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know that taking time to breathe in this pose was less about stretching out my hamstrings and more about letting my mind catch up. 

Linking the breath with the movements I start to feel connected again, but the emotions are still present. My mind isn't wandering. She's present. She's just focused on convincing me about how I'm doing it all wrong and how I still have so far to go since giving birth, especially if I want to be the best, the most flexible, the most tranquil, rooted, grounded, most  inspired person ever. (Geeeze, give it a break will ya)

Feelings of shame and inadequacy surface as I lift my leg into the air to come into Warrior I. My mind says it's not high enough, I need to lift my leg higher. I feel fear thinking that I'm doing it all wrong. Questioning myself. Am I supposed to be pointing or flexing my toes at this point?? 

The self doubt grows as I stretch out my arms into Warrior II. I feel so far away from being a warrior, but I try anyway. I take the biggest inhale I can possibly take and try to conjure up as much warrior energy as I could. I'm praying the voices of self-doubt will calm down. An image of Disney's cartoon character, Mulan appears in my mind. I cling on to it. I think of giving birth. . . . twice. I think of starting my own business. I think of hiking the Appalachian Trail. I think of that one time I had that really hard conversation. I think of living through divorce and losing it all. 

For a moment, I feel strong. The same way I did in the beginning when I was standing in Mountain Pose.

At this point, I want to quit. The practice doesn't feel complete, but I feel ok. I've only been on my mat for maybe 10 minutes and already I've battled a wandering mind, feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-hatred and voices of self-doubt. Isn't that enough for a day??  

Maybe. Maybe, it is. 

I step off the mat and walk towards my baby. She's awake, but satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs to check on my toddler. He's playing with his trucks. All is well. All is ok. I can check yoga off my to do list that I was so concerned with, but I don't. 

You want to know why? Because my mind said it wasn't good enough. And that my friends, is where my healing work continues and my yoga goes root deep. Even though I know that any amount of yoga is more than good enough, there is a part of me that says otherwise. (and it's not ED) This one is called  . . .

This little booger really keeps me from living the good life. 

Perfectionsism does not like to rest. It's all work and no play. Perfectionism says there is always work to do. No time for rest and there is absolutely no time for play. Unless you can make your play productive . .. then we can talk.  Perfectionism ALWAYS has the same response: "eh, could be better." 

I'm cringing. Are you?

So here I am. It's been well over 24 hours since this yoga session and yet I could argue that I'm still in it. I'm not on my mat. Heck, I'm sitting at a messy desk with a baby strapped to me. BUT, I'm doing my yoga. 

I'm working out allllllll of those feelings I experienced on the mat. I'm processing. I'm responding. I'm rewiring my system in order to open the channels for the Love to flow through. The Love that brings the Grace and Self-Compassion. That's when the mind, body and soul are connected. You know the feeling. When you feel free of any distracting thought. When you are present and when you have the capacity to love and be Loved. OOOooof . . . cold chills, anyone? 

Let's wrap this up. 

We are in need of it. I need it and I know those around me are in search of it too. It's what we are here to do. 

Yes, we are in a global pandemic, but we needed this work long before. Thankfully, it is pushing this work into the forefront. Yoga works for me. But maybe something else helps you connect to the Love. Reading the Bible, pulling a Tarot card, Dance, or whatever it is I hope you take the time to engage, to connect, to open and to heal. 

I'm going to go put on some lipstick and pretend I'm going to a coffee shop. Hey, daydreaming is sacred. 

Love you! 

AA