Wednesday, May 5, 2021

My Fears of a Garden Taught Me I had to Let Go in Order to Bloom

“Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.” ― Joyce Meyer,

It was the perfect day to get the seeds in the ground. The sun was shining and Josh had finished work early, so we could all plant them as a family. Although, I was feeling resistant and I wasn’t sure why. Josh reminded me how much I wanted to do this and that we have been holding on to the seeds for over a year. ‘Fine.” I thought. Let’s just get this over with.

We started our first garden and now I’m realizing how much fear I had surrounding it.

I wanted the plants to stay close to me. I was scared to put the seeds in the ground. What if they wouldn’t sprout from me doing something wrong?

I kept the lettuce in pots, thinking they would be safer. Putting them in the ground was overwhelming to me. So many things could go wrong and it seems so permanent. Where as, if they are in a pot, I have the freedom to move them around or repot them if need be.

I wanted to be in control.

What if it rained too much? What if it didn’t rain at all this season and I forgot to water them one day? What if the deer get to the veggies? What if the weeds take over? WHAT IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I don’t really know what I’m doing anyway. Isn’t there a science to this? How much space do we need between each plant? Which direction do the rows need to go in? How do we know if the soil is healthy? What else do I not know?

I was beginning to feel completely inadequate in gardening. I hadn’t even begun.

Do you ever feel like this when starting something new?

If so, I invite you to reflect with me.

How can we practice being brave in the act of letting go of control? How can we not only have Faith in God; but also have Faith in ourselves? Can we believe in ourselves, in our abilities to tend to our hopes and desires? Can we plant new seeds and trust in our caretaking skills? Can we believe that we are CAPABLE, POWERFUL and WORTHY of blooming?

Can we be patient enough in the struggle as we push up through the soil? And then take time to celebrate our strength, our resiliency and our new growth before moving on to the next season of life?

The answer, of course, is YES. You know it and I know it.

But every time we are faced with fear of the unknown we have an opportunity to plant more seeds. It’s a lifelong practice. We must remember though, that we can’t reap the benefits of seeds we don’t sow.

So let’s encourage each other to take action and get our seeds in the ground.

May the promise of new growth outweigh our fear of stumbling.

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Living Yoga with a Newborn, Toddler and Cabin Fever during the Global Pandemic

Hello everyone,

What is going on? How is life? How are you?

It's been over 4 weeks since we left the house. We drove to Hot Springs with the kids just so I could quickly run into the Dollar Store to grab some diapers and a frozen pizza. YOUR GIRL JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT. It had been weeks since I left the house and that was for Indie's newborn check-up appointment! So all in all, I've been out of the house 3 times in the past 6 weeks (2 of those trips being the birth center). This can't be good. Even for a highly introverted homebody like myself. I'm not sure what comes after having Cabin Fever, but rest assured - I'm about to find out.

Things are getting weird, but in a weird good way. The highs and lows of having a newborn seem to be even more extreme. I cry and sulk one day and the next I'm up dancing around the house. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm doing it with grace. You wanna know how? YOGA.

In tantra yoga we talk about making your mess holy. We talk about holy paradoxes and how to find the calm in the chaos. It's a lot of balancing opposing forces. Or shall we say CONNECTING forces. The yoga that I practice is about exploring the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine at the intersection of self criticism and self love. Oh, yes, there is a meeting point. It's called pain or discomfort or unhappiness.

I hear you . . . but whatever does that mean? What does it have to do with staying sane during these unprecedented times??

Well, people ask me: How are you surviving . . . how are you holding up? What's it like living with a newborn and a toddler . . . during a pandemic . . . in the woods?? Well, it's very quite simple - with lots of laughter and crying. See, ya gotta have both sides of the coin. :) But really . . .

Let's balance out the prolonged confinement with feelings of freedom and creativity. For us, that looks like wearing as little clothing as we want, writing and indulging in chocolate. (Then perhaps we balance out the sweets with some greens.) Let's meet our fiery rage with a soothing bath. See . .. simple, right?
No, not always. It takes practice to walk the Earth with a steady spirit. Lord, knows I'm no zen master. However, I am way more zen about life than I used to be.

Let's go a bit deeper. You've got time right?

Here's a story from earlier this week.

Damn it. I'm still ten pounds away from my pre-baby weight. I tell myself that it's time to detox. It's time to be diligent about your diet and exercise, Amber. You are 6 weeks past giving birth. Time to BOUNCE BACK. Every time I step on the scale or try to squeeze myself into my jeans I notice "the voice" bubbling up, disgusted with my squishy belly. I even have a name for her: ED. Yep, short for Eating Disorder. ED became my best bud in high school. We don't talk much anymore due to a major falling out. (it was time to go our separate ways) But sometimes ED likes to pop back up in my life, much like an ex-boyfriend who doesn't want to be forgotten. So I just listen to her and later engage when I'm on my mat.

During my practice I pay attention. I try to go slow to notice all of these different voices, these different parts of myself that fight for my attention. (ED included . . . bless her, she just wants control)

I'm so used to going fast, it's hard to slow down, but I try.

I begin in standing position, aligning my body in Mountain Pose. It feels good to be standing tall. I sense my confidence growing just by rolling my shoulders back and down. I pause for just a breath. This is the part where I'm supposed to set an intention, but all I can muster is feeling grateful for the opportunity to show up. It's enough.

I start to flow.

Raising my arms high above my head and folding over my legs, the voices start chattering. (Wow, that didn't take long.)

My heart starts to race and my nerves get all frazzled as I notice my body wanting to move faster than the rest of me. I was already feeling the disconnection.

My mind gets frustrated and chooses to go elsewhere. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here . . it's too painful, too uncomfortable. So it goes where it always goes - to the kids, to the dishes, to the never ending to-do list. All of that mind wandering eventually leads its way to self sabotage.

I continue to flow through my sun salutations. I've done them for years, so it's easy for my body to go auto pilot, while my mind parades about attempting to find something to busy itself with.

Lingering in Downward Facing Dog was my bodiy's way of letting my mind settle. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know that taking time to breathe in this pose was less about stretching out my hamstrings and more about letting my mind catch up.

Linking the breath with the movements I start to feel connected again, but the emotions are still present. My mind isn't wandering. She's present. She's just focused on convincing me about how I'm doing it all wrong and how I still have so far to go since giving birth, especially if I want to be the best, the most flexible, the most tranquil, rooted, grounded, most inspired person ever. (Geeeze, give it a break will ya)

Feelings of shame and inadequacy surface as I lift my leg into the air to come into Warrior I. My mind says it's not high enough, I need to lift my leg higher. I feel fear thinking that I'm doing it all wrong. Questioning myself. Am I supposed to be pointing or flexing my toes at this point??

The self doubt grows as I stretch out my arms into Warrior II. I feel so far away from being a warrior, but I try anyway. I take the biggest inhale I can possibly take and try to conjure up as much warrior energy as I could. I'm praying the voices of self-doubt will calm down. An image of Disney's cartoon character, Mulan appears in my mind. I cling on to it. I think of giving birth. . . . twice. I think of starting my own business. I think of hiking the Appalachian Trail. I think of that one time I had that really hard conversation. I think of living through divorce and losing it all.

For a moment, I feel strong. The same way I did in the beginning when I was standing in Mountain Pose.

At this point, I want to quit. The practice doesn't feel complete, but I feel ok. I've only been on my mat for maybe 10 minutes and already I've battled a wandering mind, feelings of shame, inadequacy, self-hatred and voices of self-doubt. Isn't that enough for a day??

Maybe. Maybe, it is.

I step off the mat and walk towards my baby. She's awake, but satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs to check on my toddler. He's playing with his trucks. All is well. All is ok. I can check yoga off my to do list that I was so concerned with, but I don't.

You want to know why? Because my mind said it wasn't good enough. And that my friends, is where my healing work continues and my yoga goes root deep. Even though I know that any amount of yoga is more than good enough, there is a part of me that says otherwise. (and it's not ED) This one is called . . .

Perfectionism.

This little booger really keeps me from living the good life.

Perfectionsism does not like to rest. It's all work and no play. Perfectionism says there is always work to do. No time for rest and there is absolutely no time for play. Unless you can make your play productive . .. then we can talk. Perfectionism ALWAYS has the same response: "eh, could be better."

I'm cringing. Are you?

So here I am. It's been well over 24 hours since this yoga session and yet I could argue that I'm still in it. I'm not on my mat. Heck, I'm sitting at a messy desk with a baby strapped to me. BUT, I'm doing my yoga.

I'm working out allllllll of those feelings I experienced on the mat. I'm processing. I'm responding. I'm rewiring my system in order to open the channels for the Love to flow through. The Love that brings the Grace and Self-Compassion. That's when the mind, body and soul are connected. You know the feeling. When you feel free of any distracting thought. When you are present and when you have the capacity to love and be Loved. OOOooof . . . cold chills, anyone?

Let's wrap this up.

I'm sharing all of this because: CONNECTION, Joy, Healing.

We are in need of it. I need it and I know those around me are in search of it too. It's what we are here to do.

Yes, we are in a global pandemic, but we needed this work long before. Thankfully, it is pushing this work into the forefront. Yoga works for me. But maybe something else helps you connect to the Love. Reading the Bible, pulling a Tarot card, Dance, or whatever it is I hope you take the time to engage, to connect, to open and to heal.

I'm going to go put on some lipstick and pretend I'm going to a coffee shop. Hey, daydreaming is sacred.

Love you!

Thursday, January 28, 2021

The Birth Journey of Indie Oaks Home Video

You can also read the story here. Hope you enjoy! We had so much fun making this.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

The Birth Story of Indie Oaks

Dear Indie,

It’s 9:45 am on a Thursday in January. You are 3 weeks old and I've been attempting to string some words together to tell your birth story. It was such an event! I was only in active labor for four hours but the whole process leading up to the moment you were in my arms was quite frankly, dramatic and intense. So intense that my labor completely stalled for a whole day due to emotional stress!

Sweet girl, one day you may experience giving birth and I hope that I am right beside you every step of the way like Daddy and Grammie were for me. It is one wild ride and guess what. All you really have to do is relax and enjoy it for the most part. Then towards the end, it's some work, but I know you will be strong and I know you will believe in yourself and your body. I know, because I’m going to teach you. I will teach you how to trust yourself and breathe properly and have faith that everything is going to be ok.

Indie, we welcomed you during a beautiful snowy, white Christmas weekend. Everything was glistening as the sun beamed down upon us. I was basking in the beauty and gratitude as we drove home with you and River in the backseat. I just kept saying to everyone that congratulated us, “I’m so glad she is here.” I am. I am so insanely happy you are here beside me, making your little grunting noises and looking at the world with your big wandering eyes.

On May 1st, 2020 I discovered that I was pregnant with you.

Did you know that Beltane is on May 1st? A day symbolizing fertility and the unity of male and female energies to create new life . Scotland and Ireland observe it as a special holiday by celebrating with a big fire festival. You have scott-irish blood! How cool is that!?

I was a little in shock because we weren’t “trying” to get pregnant but you really wanted to be part of the family and grow up with River. We accepted this and started getting ready for you! Grammie and I went and bought you new clothes, blankets and other goodies so that it would really feel like home to you. I think Daddy was the most excited. He really wanted a little girl and has been working around the clock to provide for you and our family. He has plans to make you your own room very soon! I found some floral wallpaper that I think you will love. When you get a little older, you will be able to decorate it however you want. It will be your sacred space.

During the time you were in my belly, I was really sick . . . a lot. You wouldn’t let me eat pizza or drink soda water (two of my favorite things). You wouldn’t let me take a bath or sleep on my right side. You were very active in the womb, constantly kicking and stretching. You are already so strong from those exercises! You love lifting your head up and trying to stand already!

So yes, being pregnant with you wasn’t all that fun. We were also in a global pandemic! So I couldn’t see my friends. It was hard, but we got through it.

Towards the end, I was very ready to meet you. I thought you might have been coming around Thanksgiving because my contractions started getting stronger and you seemed to be moving down instead of sitting up in my chest! I had to pee all the time because you were sitting on my bladder!

It was on Christmas Eve when you started to make your descent into the birth canal.

You heard all of us celebrating and you just couldn’t wait. You were ready to meet your family! So as soon as we said bye to Grammie, Pappy, Aunt sis, Body, Uncle Tuck and Uncle J, you pretty much said “wait ya’ll I’m coming!”

I felt my belly tightening every 10 minutes! I gave the family a big hug and as they walked out the door, my smile grew bigger as I blurted out "see ya in a couple days!" I knew I was going to hold you soon. I went upstairs to finish wrapping Maya Moon’s gift before we left for Grandma-ma and Pappa D’s house and felt my belly tighten with more contractions, one after the other! I knew it was time. So me and Daddy got our bags packed and prepared to go to the Birth Center.

On our way to town, we figured out where River was going to go because he couldn’t be with us. We had plans for him to stay with Grammie and Pappy at our house but they got stuck driving in the snow! So we dropped him off to spend the night with Maya Moon.

This was our first night without your brother. I didn’t realize how sad it would make me. I didn’t like leaving him, but we had to. Daddy and I get in the car and started driving to the Birth Center so we could meet you!

But there was a problem . . .

The snow was coming down fast and hard! It was like a blizzard! The roads were covered and everyone was driving really slow so they could be safe. I was scared we weren’t going to make it! And you know what happens when a birthing woman is scared? Labor stops. Yep. My labor started slowing down when we were in the car and by the time we got to the Birth Center, my contractions completely stopped!!

We tried all sorts of things to try to induce labor again. I was doing laps around the room, lots of lunges and circling around on a big giant yoga ball. Daddy helped, too. He put a big giant scarf around my belly and tried to shimmy you around. Nothing seemed to help. I think you needed rest after the big stressful drive. I think I needed rest, too.

I was so sad. I was sad to be away from your brother and I was sad that the nurse and the midwife that drove out to help us were away from their families on Christmas and I was sad because we weren’t going to meet you (yet).

We were stuck

We had to stay the night at the Birth Center so we could leave safely in the morning when the roads were clear.

My sweet girl, just remember, not everything goes according to plan during birth . . . or in life. We can’t control everything. We must learn to go with the flow and trust in the Mystery.

The next morning we wake up and drive to get River. We were so excited to go home and spend Christmas together. We had gifts under the tree and banana bread to eat! But we ran into another problem . . . we couldn’t go home! Our mountain roads still had lots of snow on them. So we waited and waited for the snow plows to clear the roads, but they never came. During all of this waiting in the car, River was getting cranky, I was getting hungry and we ran out of diapers. And guess what . . . No stores were open! Not even Walmart!

So we went back to Grandma-ma’s and Pappa D’s and on the way there we decided to stay the night because I was afraid the roads would get bad again overnight and we wouldn’t be able to make it to the birth center if you decided to come again!

While Daddy and River played in the snow, I rested the whole day and I prayed that you would wait a little bit longer, because I really needed to recover from all the chaos and you did.

We finally made it home the next day and celebrated Christmas together.

Daddy and River played outside some more while I repacked our bags. During dinner, the contractions started happening again and I looked at Daddy like “uh oh . . . she could be coming tonight.” Then, “BAM” my water erupted! I screamed because for a split second I didn’t know what had happened. I thought someone had punched me in the vagina! But . . oh no . . wait … . I’m all wet! My water broke!

Chaos ensues.

Daddy gets panicky (which is strange because he never does)! River is scared and senses our stress. I’m trying to talk to the midwife and explain to her that “YES, I’m one thousand percent sure my water just broke”. As much as we had prepared, we still felt like we weren’t ready. BUT YOU WERE!
After running around like chickens with our heads cut off, we finally get in the car and start driving to the Birth Center. It’s dark and there is still so much snow on the ground. Luckily, Daddy is a great driver and got us to the Birth Center safely and quickly!

It’s a little blurry from here. One day, you might understand first hand how this part of the journey gets fuzzy. You have to focus with all of your might on your breathing. You have to get super connected with your body. Nothing else matters. You just take it breathe by breathe.

I was so grateful to have Daddy and the Birth Center team there holding space for me. They encouraged me the whole way through and made me feel safe and like I was doing exactly what I needed to do.

Just a few more hours and we would be laying in bed together!

I labored in the shower on my hands and knees for about an hour. The intensity was so strong and my body was working so hard. My knees started to go numb and my inner thighs were aching. I could barely stand up when we started to move to the birth pool. I leaned on Daddy and the nurses as they helped me get into the water.

Ahhhh. . . the water felt so good. I could hear the midwife and nurse gathering supplies to catch you. “Wow, “ I thought, we are almost to the pushing phase. I made all kinds of animal noises. I howled and growled and moaned. One day, I will teach you about how opening your throat and jaw helps to open your pelvis! Your body is so cool.

So the wider I could open my mouth and the deeper I could get my voice to go, the easier it was to help you move down. We were working together. I moved into low lunges and deep squats and once I flipped around I felt ready to push. But I couldn’t get grounded in the water. My body just kept floating to the top. So we moved to the bed, which is where I birthed River!

Daddy was behind, holding my hand and cheering us on the whole time. I pushed for only twenty four minutes! (River took two hours!) At the very end, I felt defeated. I was exhausted. Depleted and like I had given it my all. Your head was half way out. All I needed was one more big push, one more big roar. I heard the nurse say “you have to do this. Do this for your baby.” And that’s all it took to unlock my fear. I gave all that I didn’t even have left to give and you were born. (that’s motherhood) Conjuring up energy when you have none.

Once I felt you on my chest, all was right in the world. I was full of gratitude and love and euphoria. Nothing compares to birth. Nothing.

I love you, Indie Oaks.

-Mama

Monday, January 25, 2021

Postpartum Day 28 Vlog

Hey, we’re doing ok

🍯 real talk about our life at 4 weeks #postpartum. And a story about a bird that reminded me I’m not alone... also extending an invitation to join me in trying to find ✨steadiness & ease✨ during this challenging time. Love you! Here to spread hope. Thanks for walking with me. 🕊 #postpartum #motherhood #yogaeverydamnday #birdfriends

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Postpartum Day 16

Sharing some stuff from 16 days postpartum.

This is our life and I bet it looks a lot like other families’. It’s my second baby and I’m still struggling with this whole “being a mom isn’t enough” narrative, ahem LIE. Even though I know it’s bullshit, the story runs deep. So I’m putting this out there to try to help change that narrative. Mothering is a high calling. It requires everything and more. So stop feeling guilty for wanting a day off, stop beating yourself up for not “being productive” or for not crushing your to-do list. Holding your baby on the couch while she sleeps is more than enough. Eating lunch and soaking your vagina 2 weeks after birth is not only acceptable, it’s essential. This sacred period does not last for forever... soak in it. Nurse, Bond, Sleep, Eat, play with your toddler, give your husband a kiss. And for heavens sake, allow yourself to recover. ❤️ amber

(Words to myself but if they help you, by all means, take them)

Monday, January 11, 2021

My Postpartum Body

This is my body 4 days after giving birth. Round, swollen, bleeding, tender, healing, transforming.

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It was New Years day and I couldn’t help but take a little video of myself massaging oil on my squishy postpartum belly. It was a big moment for me because I had just stepped on the scale, (gasp, not the scale!) looked in the mirror & felt nothing but gratitude for my body. This was a big change in attitude for me. It was a New Year & new Amber.
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This body and I have been on a journey. Actually, my whole life has been akin to one big war: Amber verses her own body. Sounds sad and dramatic but the reality is that many women my age have the same story. (where my soul sisters at?) I hated this body for a long, long time. And that hate seeped into every area of my life- destroying relationships, dreams and who knows what else. My body wasn’t thin enough or tall enough or smooth enough or strong enough . . . the list goes on, but I don’t think we need to go down that rabbit hole today. I’ll save the body dysmorphia, obsession and eating disorder stories for another time.
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What I am here to say today is I LOVE MY BODY. I CELEBRATE MY BODY. I am AMAZED at this body. This body carried, grew, nourished and birthed not one but TWO healthy babies!!! 💛 Our relationship has been rocky, dark and painful. So much hatred and self sabotage ultimately brought me to the bottom of the ocean. There I met the Divine, Mother Earth, the Feminine, my true essence. Years of healing and cultivating a loving relationship with my body led me down the most amazing path- becoming a wife to my favorite person and a woman who would rather channel wolf energy to be able to howl and growl her babies into the world instead of help from modern medicine. A woman who trusts in the mystery.
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Tonight, I am cozy in our den with my two babes and I’m in awe of how we got here. This life, this human journey is just so beautiful. Maybe it’s the postpartum hormones, but I just well up with tears thinking about all the transformation I’ve experienced. All the growth my soul has gone through. I look forward to the journey ahead with Faith, Gratitude, Humbleness & newfound Strength.

Thank you, friends, for seeing me in my fullness, radiance and beauty. Thank you for reflecting this back to me over and over again. Especially my husband- He is such a light in my life. I am so happy to have people in my life who illuminate truth.
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Gahhhhh now I’m rambling. Gotta go take care of the kids!
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I love you. Talk soon.
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May you trust in your body. May Love lead you all over the map and through a wide range of emotions that teach you about your own innate wisdom and power within! 🙏 So much love, Amber #postpartumbody #fourthtrimester#motherhood #bodylove#womanhood #riteofpassage

Friday, January 8, 2021

Postpartum Day 10 Vlog

💘 Postpartum Thoughts 💘

Lots of thoughts from my last 10 days postpartum. Kinda preachy, def. rambley, all raw truth. 🥰Hoping it will resonate with someone. ❤️ If I had the energy to re-record, I’d substitute the word “crazy” for “wild”. So just keep that in mind. Words matter- birth isn’t so much “crazy” as it is “wild.” A shaman once told me I use the word “crazy” too much... Haha... now i know I do... whoops. 🤪Ok . Thanks shaman! Ok. Enjoy listening to a little of our story. Birth story still to come. 💓💓💓 take care & love on your mamas!! 🙏#motherhood #postpartum #soulchat

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