I have a lot of things to say.

I think I'll start saying them... yep. Let's start with this little truth for all of my introverted, shy pals...

I grew up "the shy one" - being consistently scared of people. At times my timidness was so bad that my sister or best friend would have to speak for me. I was always, secretly living in fear. Scared of hurting, disappointing, or making others feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar? ( I've also developed a really good "I don't care" attitude, but really I always care. ) I'm really good at observing and noticing the subtleties. I have the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear. I'm like expert people pleaser. It comes in handy sometimes. Actually, I love my spider senses of knowing what people need to hear. But I've learned that people pleasing doesn't always help. Actually, most times, the truth is hands-down the most healing. Even when it hurts. So let's do ourselves a favor and just say what we want to say. . . In the kindest, most compassionate, most understanding, empathetic way possible. ☺️ we all got problems. Woo ... ok.... that was enough for like the year. HA. #babysteps #thereisalioninside 🌋🌋🌋 

photo of how I look 90% of the time by sister, Lexi B Adams. #onamission

I think there is something to these childhood desires . . .



I like to use childhood desires as a compass. Let's time travel! Let's go back to age . . eh, 8 - 10 year old you. You were probably in 4th, 5th or 6th grade. zooom zoom zoom zooom zoom zoom zoom zoom wish wish wish wish swish swish swish (these are the sounds I imagine I time machine would make. . I should know. . . I built one when I was 11 with my sister and neighbor friend) OK. Can you picture it? Can you see the younger version of you? Pay attention. This is important.



What the heck did you want to be?? You know the question. The one we were asked all the time. . . What do you want to be when you grow up? Which interestingly enough, turned into "what are you going to school for?" I'm finding out that the majority of the time these answers did not match up.



Growing up, I wanted to be an astronaut. I was memorized my the moon. I saw a movie called Space Camp when I was like 8 or 9 and afterwards I was convinced that some day I would be standing on the moon. I remember thinking that it was going to be hard work. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to like the simulator training. "I would probably get sick. But it was worth it. Only a couple people get to stand on the moon and I want to be one of them." I thought.



Something happened over the years. I became interested in boys and my own image. And I forgot about that astronaut dream. The love of the sky has never left me. I would still gaze up in child-like wonder every night. But when it was time to "pick a college", my own true hearts desires weren't even considered. It didn't matter anyway, that dream had been buried with false realities. I had been swept up in "cool kid" stuff which at the time was cheerleading and boys and being really, really skinny. Ya know, so I could model and really "be somebody."



Fast forward to present moment. Today, I am looking back and wondering.



I'm wondering so many things. I feel those childhood dreams resurfacing. That love of the moon and saturn and soaring above the earth, looking back at our planet from space. I am wondering what 8,9 and 10 year old Amber was thinking. . what did she have right? I am so unbelievably wrong right now. I need answers. Little Amber, give me ANSWERS! I am so unsatisfied with these things I have been chasing that I thought I "should have been chasing" like the ideal job, family, image and home.



ANYWAY, I'm really curious: If I were to ask you in elementary school: what do you want to be growing up? What would your answer be?



I'm curious. What did you study post high school? Did you follow that dream? What happened?

.

5 am | September 26th, 2018 ( 4 days prior to River's due date)
Like usual, I woke up with the urge to pee. I waddled downstairs to our newly installed toilet and discovered that I had just lost my mucus plug. (I know, sounds gross and weird) I went back upstairs and in a very calm, matter-of-fact tone told Josh: "babe, it's happening." I crawled back in bed and went back to sleep for a few more hours. I credit my hypno-birthing daily practice for how calm I was through-out my pregnancy and even the moments leading up to the birth!


I knew we were close but I was sure we had a couple more days before the actual birth. After all, the birthing class we took prepped us that pre-labor could last up to two weeks! However, I was determined for River to be an October baby like his mama (ha, like I had any control over his birthdate).
We both had full days planned, conveniently being at our most favorite places. Josh went to the skatepark, while I went to the spa. Truly divine timing. <3 Well done, universe!




For me, saying goodbye to my pregnant belly meant taking million selfie photos the morning I went into labor. Ha!


Although, I most have known on some level that River was coming because I was snapping photos of my belly every hour. I also pulled into Walmart like I was on mission. . . and truly I was. A mission to get Pumpkin Pie in my mouth as quick as humanly possible. :)




I sent this photo to my sister with a text that had way to many emojis regarding my feelings about pie for breakfast. Also, I randomly had a fork in my car and was really thankful for that.
Before I arrived at the spa to receive some good body love, I had to do some candle deliveries. Side note- I was able to carry 40 lbs of candles up and down 3 flights of stairs on the reg. and definitely credit this obligated form of exercise to my wonderful pregnancy and birthing experience.
My "Braxton- Hicks" contractions seemed strong, but at this point I was still convinced that River was staying in there until a few more days. Boy, was I wrong! I somehow got it in my head that my next body cue was my water breaking or when I started to feel contractions in my back. (Little did I know that not everyone experiences back-labor.) My water never broke, nor did I experience back-labor.
12 pm | Spa Time
I showed up to the spa where I met Joshua's mom, Jade (best-esthetician-EVER) and told her a had lost my mucus plug and had been feeling the "Braxton-Hicks" contractions all day. "Amber, you are in labor," she said. (She's the ultra-intuitive type and she was right.) STILL, I was convinced that we had plenty of time before River arrived because I wasn't feeling any pressure in my back.
So I got my facial and we starting tracking the contractions. They were consistently 12 minutes a part at this point. I remember laying there, holding my belly, feeling the tightening of each contraction and very much at peace. Every 12 minutes calling out to Jade "here's another one . . . ok it stopped."




The day was turning out to be the most perfect beginning of River's journey into the world. I was in my happy place and feeling so serene and connected to my body.
Josh called to check-in from the skatepark: "Hey! Mom just texted me and said you were in labor???" I simply replied back: "nah, I really don't think so . . . call ya when I leave!"(contractions were now 1o minutes apart)
During my massage, the contractions started getting more intense and thought: "ok, oh wow, this may be happening." I had the therapist incorporate acupressure points to help the baby get in the optimal position for birth. River had spent his whole time curled up on my right side and we were trying really hard for him to move into a better position to avoid delivering him "sunny-side up". And whatever she did worked worked like a charm!
5:30 pm | Midwife Check-in
I called my mid-wife after leaving the spa and was told to go home and notify her if the contractions got more intense or if I started having them 4 minutes apart. Still, I'm wondering . . . is this happening tonight? tomorrow? next week? I have no idea. During my hour commute home, I called to update my family. Then I turned on my Birthing Affirmations cd that I listened to everyday, rolled down the windows and enjoyed the ride home. My baby was coming soon.
6:30pm | Trying to Stay Calm While at Home
I pull up to the drive way of our house. It's long and bumpy and I'm feeling my body telling me that it's time. It's time, it's time, it's time. But the more logical side of me wanted to hear it from my mid-wife because, btw, she is the expert. . .
So I went upstairs, plopped on my birth ball and tried to get some work done. Which lasted all of. . eh. . .5 or 10 minutes. Contractions were getting stronger and longer. I started to get a little panicky and anxious.
We need to get to Asheville, was all I kept thinking.
Luckily, the day before, I had packed our bags so that we would be ready to go to the birth center at any given moment. I even created a little booklet that had a list of "Things to do before leaving the house", birthing affirmations and hypno-birthing cue words for Josh. I had a playlist and candles, palo santo, essential oils and items to look at during labor to remind me of my spirit guides and my own inner strength. I had a whole vision for my birthing time.
None of that stuff really mattered in the end, but I love planning a good ceremony and the intention was there.
Anyway- There I was, on my birth ball, leaning over my bed, my thoughts racing. I think we need to leave . . . I gotta call mom . . . I need to relax . . . but I can't settle in and relax when I know we need to leave soon . . . I'm bleeding, what does that mean?! . . . I want to call the midwife again but my contractions aren't constantly 4 minutes apart yet . . . but when they are, what does that mean?? Will we have time to get to the birth center? WE are an hour away. . .should we just drive there and wait in the parking lot?? . . . I need Josh . . . why is he asking me if we are still making curry for dinner?! . . . ok, relax, amber just get somewhere and relax.
7:15pm | Making the Journey to Asheville
My contractions were now one minute long and coming every four minutes. I get the midwife on the phone and update her.
Hey Melissa, it's Amber, ummm . . . so I think I need to leave my house. My contractions are getting worse and. . . uuuuuuuuhhhhhg, hold on, another one is coming.
At this point, Josh grabs the phone and I'm leaning over the sink waiting for the contraction to pass. Hoping that we will get the O.K. to come to the birth center so I can finally settle in, turn my mind off and let my body take over. But we didn't get the O.K. Instead, she told Josh to get me in the shower and to call her back with an update.
~~~~~~ This part of the night is blurry. All I remember is bits and pieces of Josh running around the house- trying to feed the animals, get our stuff in the car and get clothes on me. And being really concerned about updating our moms. And then being in the car on our way to Asheville. ~~~~~~
9:08pm | Arriving at the Birth Center
My contractions just kept intensifying. I tried not to hold my breathe. I tried to "sink into the pain" like the way we talked about in our birthing class.
I was tracking them on my phone and grunting "ok go . . . ok stop" with each rise and fall. It seemed like it took so long to get there. But we made it.

10:08pm | September 26th, 2018 (4 days prior to River's Due Date)
By the time we reached the birth center, my contractions were happening about a minute apart from each other. I remember having one as Josh was helping me out of the car and another one as soon as we walked into the door.
The midwife wanted to check me immediately. Standing at the bed with Josh supporting me, I felt her check my cervix and then I heard her say: "oh wow you are definitely having this baby! You are already 6 centimeters dilated!"
Thank God. Finally, we were at the location where I would birth my baby.
I felt my body take over, as my eyes closed shut and my whole being seemed to transcend into another dimension. A primal place. A space I never knew existed. I space where pain didn't feel like the pain I knew. A space where I made animal noises and my body moved into positions it had never been in. A sacred space where we were connected- my voice, my body, my breath.
I labored completely naked in the shower for about an hour as the pool filled with water. I sat on the birth ball while holding onto josh, the water at my back. Then I went to my hands and knees. I remember my body heating up and craving to be completely submerged in the water.
I made my way to the pool with the help of Josh, both of my arms wrapped around him tight as if I could transfer some of the pressure onto him. My body loved the water. I was leaning over the edge of the pool facing Josh, holding both of his hands with my face downwards toward the water.




My body was shaking and every once in a while I would whisper to myself, "breathe, breathe, breathe."
I felt safe. I could hear the nurse, Desdemona, guide me back into the intensity by softly saying: relax your shoulders. With each surge of pressure, I visualized going under the wave. I didn't want to ride on top of the wave. I wanted to sink low and deep - into the dark place of feeling. I focused all of my energy and attention into the downward motion. Sometimes the intensity would shoot me up and I would hear my moans go high and sharp. But my body always found its way back to the low, primal chanting.




Opening. Surrendering. Trusting. Transforming. <3 The most spiritual experience of my life. <3
I did a lot of shamanic journeying throughout my pregnancy to connect with River. We would always meet under the sea, where we would swim together with the sea turtles and meet his dad at a spot with colorful coral sandcastles. I never intended for us to meet there; it's just the vision that would always come to me. Now I know why. I needed that vision- that feeling, that memory of being calm and at peace beneath the sea, trusting in my baby, letting him lead.
Suddenly, my mom was in front of me holding my hands. I remember getting this burst of energy as she was with me. It was one of the few times my eyes were open. She stayed with me for a few minutes while Josh took a break. She told me how strong I was and how good I was doing. I felt so energized by her words and presence.
Time unknown | Transition
Josh came back from his much needed break and the midwife decided to check-me again. Apparently, at this point she had to rupture my amniotic fluid, but I was in such a meditative state I don't remember much of that. I do remember this stage being the most intense. I was in "transition".
The contractions were so close together- giving me maybe 30-45 seconds between them to rest. I was in the pool for hours, but it didn't feel like it at the time. I remember howling and swaying and mumbling "oh, baby" to Josh. My body was shaking and every once in a while I would whisper to myself, "breath, breathe, breathe" with my face almost touching the water.
I went into some sort of lung position to help River find his way. Ahhh, magic spot. He liked that and started to wiggle down further.
4:44am September 27, 2019| Time to start pushing
Then, I heard my midwife say: "She is ready to push." When I heard this I thought it was over . .. I thought I would give one big grunt and River would just plop out . . . now, I know that pushing is a whole new phase. A phase that requires a lot more work, just a bit different.
It took me while to move out of the the deep relaxation mode into the more action mode and figure out "how" to push. Eventually they convinced me to get out of the tub and on to the toilet in the bathroom. I didn't care where I was, whatever needed to happen to get my baby out. I made a lot of progress pushing on the toilet. Josh was standing by my side and both of my arms were wrapped around his waist. I was leaning back with a pillow at my back and my feet were on my midwife's shoulders. She was helping by s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g my vagina open and rubbing arnica oil on it.
With big deep breaths, I did 3 big pushes and then waited for the next urge. I see the head! I heard my midwife exclaim. But then it went back in. I tried a few more times . . . but it was like River was playing peek-a-boo with us and just teasing me. So we changed positions again. I remember being nervous about moving to the bed because I could feel him so low and I don't know why but I thought walking would hurt him . . . like his would fall out and get stuck. It was such a foreign feeling, but I was reassured that he would be fine and so would I.
Anyway, we get in the bed. I'm laying on my side with a peanut ball between my legs. Josh is kneeled down beside me with our faces close together. I could tell when another urge to push was coming and I would tell everyone so they could get in position. The nurse would move the peanut ball and hold my feet, while the midwife would help me open up.
The crowning was the worst. Mainly, because it was unexpected. The whole labor felt intense, but very natural and gradual. The crowning felt sharp and fast and sent my voice skyrocketing. I was getting tired and emotional. I felt like I was doing my best. I was trying so hard but it didn't seem to be "good enough". (seriously, inner critic, this is no place for you right now)
I had a moment, where I didn't believe in myself. I thought, "nope, this baby is not coming out. It's just going to have to stay in me forever."
And then I heard Josh's voice "just like last the time- you did it. . . do it again"
He had been quiet pretty much the whole time- just holding space and offering me something to drink from time to time, which is exactly what I needed from him. Up until this point, when he knew I needed him to go into full on cheerleading mode. The nurse and midwife were also encouraging me, but those words from Josh were the ones that carried me through to the end. The last couple of pushes I gave it all I had. I pushed past all of the fear. The fear of tearing, the fear of my voice being too loud or weird, the fear of the pain . . . and with one final wild woman howl, out came my baby!
5:44am September 27, 2019 | River is born.
I'm hysterical. Completely overcome with emotions. I'm crying, smiling, looking at Josh in complete euphoria, humbly thanking the midwife and the nurse and then there is River . . . laying on my chest.
We did it. Hi, I'm your mama. I told him.




"Hi, I'm your mama," I told him, over and over again.
It was the happiest, most spiritual day of my life. The three of us stayed in bed together for a couple of hours falling deeply in love.