By the time we reached the birth center, my contractions were happening about a minute apart from each other. I remember having one as Josh was helping me out of the car and another one as soon as we walked into the door.
The midwife wanted to check me immediately. Standing at the bed with Josh supporting me, I felt her check my cervix and then I heard her say: "oh wow you are definitely having this baby! You are already 6 centimeters dilated!"
Thank God. Finally, we were at the location where I would birth my baby.
I felt my body take over, as my eyes closed shut and my whole being seemed to transcend into another dimension. A primal place. A space I never knew existed. I space where pain didn't feel like the pain I knew. A space where I made animal noises and my body moved into positions it had never been in. A sacred space where we were connected- my voice, my body, my breath.
I labored completely naked in the shower for about an hour as the pool filled with water. I sat on the birth ball while holding onto josh, the water at my back. Then I went to my hands and knees. I remember my body heating up and craving to be completely submerged in the water.
I made my way to the pool with the help of Josh, both of my arms wrapped around him tight as if I could transfer some of the pressure onto him. My body loved the water. I was leaning over the edge of the pool facing Josh, holding both of his hands with my face downwards toward the water.
My body was shaking and every once in a while I would whisper to myself, "breathe, breathe, breathe."
I felt safe. I could hear the nurse, Desdemona, guide me back into the intensity by softly saying: relax your shoulders. With each surge of pressure, I visualized going under the wave. I didn't want to ride on top of the wave. I wanted to sink low and deep - into the dark place of feeling. I focused all of my energy and attention into the downward motion. Sometimes the intensity would shoot me up and I would hear my moans go high and sharp. But my body always found its way back to the low, primal chanting.
Opening. Surrendering. Trusting. Transforming. <3 The most spiritual experience of my life. <3
I did a lot of shamanic journeying throughout my pregnancy to connect with River. We would always meet under the sea, where we would swim together with the sea turtles and meet his dad at a spot with colorful coral sandcastles. I never intended for us to meet there; it's just the vision that would always come to me. Now I know why. I needed that vision- that feeling, that memory of being calm and at peace beneath the sea, trusting in my baby, letting him lead.
Suddenly, my mom was in front of me holding my hands. I remember getting this burst of energy as she was with me. It was one of the few times my eyes were open. She stayed with me for a few minutes while Josh took a break. She told me how strong I was and how good I was doing. I felt so energized by her words and presence.
Time unknown | Transition
Josh came back from his much needed break and the midwife decided to check-me again. Apparently, at this point she had to rupture my amniotic fluid, but I was in such a meditative state I don't remember much of that. I do remember this stage being the most intense. I was in "transition".
The contractions were so close together- giving me maybe 30-45 seconds between them to rest. I was in the pool for hours, but it didn't feel like it at the time. I remember howling and swaying and mumbling "oh, baby" to Josh. My body was shaking and every once in a while I would whisper to myself, "breath, breathe, breathe" with my face almost touching the water.
I went into some sort of lung position to help River find his way. Ahhh, magic spot. He liked that and started to wiggle down further.
4:44am September 27, 2019| Time to start pushing
Then, I heard my midwife say: "She is ready to push." When I heard this I thought it was over . .. I thought I would give one big grunt and River would just plop out . . . now, I know that pushing is a whole new phase. A phase that requires a lot more work, just a bit different.
It took me while to move out of the the deep relaxation mode into the more action mode and figure out "how" to push. Eventually they convinced me to get out of the tub and on to the toilet in the bathroom. I didn't care where I was, whatever needed to happen to get my baby out. I made a lot of progress pushing on the toilet. Josh was standing by my side and both of my arms were wrapped around his waist. I was leaning back with a pillow at my back and my feet were on my midwife's shoulders. She was helping by s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g my vagina open and rubbing arnica oil on it.
With big deep breaths, I did 3 big pushes and then waited for the next urge. I see the head! I heard my midwife exclaim. But then it went back in. I tried a few more times . . . but it was like River was playing peek-a-boo with us and just teasing me. So we changed positions again. I remember being nervous about moving to the bed because I could feel him so low and I don't know why but I thought walking would hurt him . . . like his would fall out and get stuck. It was such a foreign feeling, but I was reassured that he would be fine and so would I.
Anyway, we get in the bed. I'm laying on my side with a peanut ball between my legs. Josh is kneeled down beside me with our faces close together. I could tell when another urge to push was coming and I would tell everyone so they could get in position. The nurse would move the peanut ball and hold my feet, while the midwife would help me open up.
The crowning was the worst. Mainly, because it was unexpected. The whole labor felt intense, but very natural and gradual. The crowning felt sharp and fast and sent my voice skyrocketing. I was getting tired and emotional. I felt like I was doing my best. I was trying so hard but it didn't seem to be "good enough". (seriously, inner critic, this is no place for you right now)
I had a moment, where I didn't believe in myself. I thought, "nope, this baby is not coming out. It's just going to have to stay in me forever."
And then I heard Josh's voice "just like last the time- you did it. . . do it again"
He had been quiet pretty much the whole time- just holding space and offering me something to drink from time to time, which is exactly what I needed from him. Up until this point, when he knew I needed him to go into full on cheerleading mode. The nurse and midwife were also encouraging me, but those words from Josh were the ones that carried me through to the end. The last couple of pushes I gave it all I had. I pushed past all of the fear. The fear of tearing, the fear of my voice being too loud or weird, the fear of the pain . . . and with one final wild woman howl, out came my baby!
5:44am September 27, 2019 | River is born.
I'm hysterical. Completely overcome with emotions. I'm crying, smiling, looking at Josh in complete euphoria, humbly thanking the midwife and the nurse and then there is River . . . laying on my chest.
We did it. Hi, I'm your mama. I told him.
"Hi, I'm your mama," I told him, over and over again.
It was the happiest, most spiritual day of my life. The three of us stayed in bed together for a couple of hours falling deeply in love.
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