Lost, isolated, confused, guilty, angry, hopeless, exhausted. These are the feelings that I associate with the first 10 months of Motherhood. It wasn’t until just before River’s first birthday that things started to really turn around for us. Confusion led to Curiosity and Anger burned its way to Acceptance. Hope rose from the ashes bringing Peace, Inspiration and Fulfillment.
I realize that every mom and baby are different. I write this as a testament to our experience and for other moms who are still struggling. I promise you can get through this and you will feel like yourself again soon. If I can do it, so can you.
Lost in the Sea of Motherhood
The days crept along, like they do in the beginning. River and I started to fall into rhythm around 4 months. Then, he had sleep regression and our rhythm broke. In the back of my mind I knew I had to do something radical because the darkness was gaining a really strong grip.
I was losing my mind. I was complaining all of the time. Depression was chasing me around everywhere. I was focused on everything negative. It was so hard to see the positives. I was resentful of my partner. I was angry and frustrated. I had outbursts and screaming fits like never before. It was alarming. I felt so misunderstood and hopeless. Like all new moms, I was depleted. I was drowning.
Sounding the Alarms
S.O.S. Please, someone help us. We are drowning. If you are not a mother, I know this must sound dramatic. Let me assure you- it’s not. New moms know that the first year is all about surviving. Just staying alive. Taco Bell came to my rescue more times than I’m willing to say. Whatever it takes. Just keep your head above water. No shame.
I did my best to communicate my needs to my partner. I did my best to ask for and accept support from our family and friends. I went to mom groups and story time. I tried to get help.
But it always seemed like the help wasn’t helping.
Alone
As Alli Wong talks about in her stand up special: Hard Knock Wife, “it’s like ‘The Walking Dead,’ you’ve just gotta hook up with a crew to survive“.
Although, “crews” are nice and it’s great to have a supportive partner (btw it’s hard to believe that some moms have to do this crazy trip alone). It was still hard to rest and gain ground. Mostly, because of the mental labor or as some women call, “the invisible labor”, that I was left to shoulder. I still found myself feeling so alone. Alone and frustrated. Keeping tabs on his eating, pooping and every little milestone moment was taking up so much mental space. It was also stressing me out.
Letting Curiosity Lead
I felt compelled to fix this issue. I became extremely introspective. I’m naturally curious but this felt more productive than my average mind-wandering. I was on a mission. Why is this chapter of my life so hard when so many other women have gone through this before me? Why do we all feel alone? Why is this so hard? We live in the cushiest, coziest time. Why is there not more support for new moms? It should not be this way.
I felt so overwhelmed after I left mom groups or read other blogs about the woes of motherhood. It was just amplifying my depression. I followed my train of thought while I nursed River everyday. It would always lead me to myself. I finally got fed up and decided that being a mom was to become a badass. A freaking warrior in love. A dishwasher ninja. A professional one-handed athlete. A dream weaver. A woman who does not give up. A woman who clings to what is important. A women who can keep her cool on the hardest of days.
My anger lit an inner fire that helped fuel my desire for clarity.
Regaining Hope Through Acceptance
Once it was clear that my life was different and wasn’t ever going back to the way it was, hope appeared. I could start to move on. I had a funeral for the old Amber by writing myself a letter to honor everything that I had done to get me to this chapter in my life. It felt amazing just acknowledging and affirming to myself that this journey has not been easy. I had to dig deep within to find the strength and courage to let go and begin anew.
Defining a New Dream
I wanted to prove to myself and to other moms that we can still dream. We may have less time and energy and space, but we can still dream. We can still dream and work towards a life that is fulfilling. So here I am, writing while River naps. I’m doing what I love with dishes in the sink and unpacked groceries on the counter. I hope you will find a way, too.
Lots of love and hope, Amber
Header Photo by Lexi B Adams.
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